Colin McAdam - Fall

I LIKE APPLES . I dont know what the simplest thing in the world is but I love it and I know I can taste it. The simplest thing in the world is something you can eat or maybe eat while youre fucking but thats complicated. I fuckin love spaghetti with butter and a Coke. Falls hand will pick up the simplest thing in the world, her thumb and perfect pointer, and plop the simplest thing in the world, pip, right in my mouth at the back of my tongue because simple is breathing not eating. Falls moms picking us up and shes late again so Falls gonna say Shes late again.

Theres a darker light in Fall when her moms around and maybe this whole parking lots darker on a dark Fall day. Its Julius and Fall, October afternoon, Im saying, and someones dimmed the brightness on our TV. Im a little high. She smiles and things brighten up and I kiss her and kiss her again with one of my better kisses. Our anniversarys in six weeks or something she says. What are we gonna do.

Lots I say. Lets think of something. Here she comes she says and she pulls away from me like we shouldnt be close around her mom. I have a hard-on but Im holding it in my pocket like a roll of quarters but bigger, ho-ho, yes. Thicker. I hope she makes spaghetti, Im fuckin starving I say.

You know she wont she says. I sit in the front because Im the male of this car and Falls mom gives me the soft, weird, nice, hot, mean and kind of creepy Hi, and its the same for Fall but theres that thing between them I will never understand. I dont want to figure them out tonight I want to eat a lot and kiss Falls neck and fuck her for forty-five seconds while her moms out of the room, Hello. I feel sick when she reverses and now Im panicking from the weed and Im wondering if Falls panicking too and now were moving forward and Im not panicking. You both look so nice in your uniforms. I look down at it and I look back at Fall and Im FALLING would everyone PLEASE look at that fuckin BEAUTIFUL face.

Face! Im not smart, maam. You look smart. When I was on TV I knew nothing about what I was saying, did I Fall, but I looked like I did. I wasnt born when you were on TV says Fall. Mean. But I saw the tapes and you were beautiful.

She turns the wheel slowly and I like her hands, theyre like Falls hands but drier, and Falls compliments hanging in the air so I breathe in through my nose because the car smells sweet and private. Thank you darling. Its a long highway drive to the High Tech Hills and Im thinking about beef and soccer. I hope you brought your appetite, Julius. I was just thinking about my appetite I say and Fall says Thats all he thinks about. I laugh because she knows thats not all I think about and I look at Falls mom whos smiling.

What else do I think about. When were you on TV I say. Im thinking about clothes and whether anyone was truly hot a long time ago. Shes beautiful. The highways grey. I used to think everything was predictable she says.

When I was on TV. I didnt know what outfit they would put me in or exactly how makeup would do my hair. Shes driving really close to that car. But I knew my blocking, I knew my cues, and I told everyone what was going to happen tomorrow. Such pretty clothes. Always skirts.

Right Fall. I want her to change lanes. I wasnt much older than Fall. You were beautiful says Fall. And then modelling. Love. Daughters. Age. Age.

No day is predictable. People are in a house one day and the next they arent. You cant stand still looking pretty and expect nothing to change. Im thinking shell say more. Shes looking at me and smiling and Im thinking shes flirting and now Im thinking thats not a smile I dont know what that is and shes gonna hit that fuckin car. And nice. And nice.

She slips away and cooks. Lets go upstairs says Fall. I want some ginger ale I say. Later. Theres Ronnie lying on my shoes already with his floppy ears and smiling tip of tongue Hey Ronnie. Im in a house.

I love the smell of your room I say. It loves you she says. When our hips are together I think shes the same height but she isnt so why are our hips together. Im gonna get out of my uniform she says. Wait outside. Ok. Ok.

I love you in your uniform. I love you in your bra. I love your feet and toes, look at those toes, come here. Wait. Come here. Ok. Ok.

Well just say hi to her ok. Lets say more, I like your mom. Why she says. Ronnie blows a bored sigh of love out his nose and I say Hey Ronnie. Falls moms pouring a ginger ale because she knows I like ginger ale. Thanks I say.

I love staring out this window, all those trees and everything finished but growing and I dont know. This is a house Im thinking. Theyre talking about fennel and lemon and I wish there was a guy around with jokes. Its good I say. Good she says. Ill get you more she says.

I look at her ass when shes walking away and I smile at Fall and were quiet. Im chewing. Shes walking back and shes frowning. Im looking at cupboards and couches. Whys she frowning. Mom. Mom.

Its the way he moves his eyes around she says. Hes eating mom leave him alone. Im talking, Fall. The three of us are grown-up and Im making an observation. Julius doesnt mind. Youre making him uncomfortable.

Theres a potato in my throat. You are both at the age when habits start to form. Habits of interaction. I saw a counsellor once Im thinking. I keep thinking that you can both set yourselves perfectly onto the right path shes saying. Develop ways of behaving with each other that will mean you get the most out of every situation.

If you look around, stare at this, stare at that, not engage, you wont take life in. But maybe Im wrong. Her eyes and fingers remind me of a bird or something mean on a diet. Falls father didnt engage, Julius. Mom. Ok I say.

Im telling Julius because I think he would be interested. Sure. Hes not. He never took me in she says. Right from the beginning. Ok. Ok.

You have to take life in to love. Fall picks up plates and saltshaker and sighs. Ok I say. Shes smiling and saying But maybe theres a time for looking and a time for thinking. I think thats right I say. It sounds right to me.

Im trying to think of a joke. She gets up and goes to the kitchen and says something to Fall and Falls walking away and going upstairs and Im not enjoying myself. Ill take this plate to the kitchen. She takes the plate and smiles. Thanks I say. Im gonna go upstairs.

I touch the side of Ronnies mouth where it looks like meat. Good boy I say. Fall shows me pictures. Fall tells me a story about when she was eleven and Im not listening. Fall cries. She says her mom just told her in the kitchen that we wont last.

I say thats a fuckin mean thing to say. She keeps crying. She shows me more pictures. What did she mean we wont last. Forget it she says. She turns away.

She cries for a long time. Wheres the fun in having a girlfriend Im wondering and wondering and working it out. Its ok I say. She snots a lot when she cries. Your moms a little kooky I say. She gets up and stands by the window.

I look at the line of her. I want something. I want some attention. I want to go. I have everything shes ever written she says. Yeah. Yeah.

All her cards and letters. Thats nice I say. She sits. She shows me pictures of her sister in a poncho and sombrero. I dont know what to think. Our legs are touching.

Im thinking about taking my cock out and maybe shed do something with it, who knows. She goes to her closet. I sigh. We should go downstairs soon she says. I say we should go. I love you she says.

Theres horses in my blood. I want to be alone with you so bad I say. She gets a box from her closet and puts it on the bed. Its full of cards and paper and envelopes and coins and Im thinking about paper cuts. She gave me this letter in a card for my birthday she says. When I was thirteen.

She made me think of it at dinner. Shes reading. Dear Fall. I watched you dance over the mat today, my darling, and I realized that you are my only friend. I need you more than I needed your father and certainly more than your father needed me. I saw a maturity in you today, darling, and felt it was a grace that can only come from understanding, and that I could rely on your understanding as we both get old together.