Tim Fitzhigham - All at Sea

The FitzHigham Papers: Volume V

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Preface
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This paperback edition published by Preface 2009

Copyright Tim FitzHigham, 2008, 2009

Tim FitzHigham has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this work under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

First published in Great Britain in 2008 as In the Bath by
Preface Publishing
1 Queen Annes Gate
London SW1H 9BT

An imprint of the Random House Group Limited

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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9781409050445

Together with the other two of the Triple Ententes (Anglo-Russian and Franco-Russian) it paved the way for World War I but thats not important in the bath story and was certainly not the intention when it was signed.

It is one of the greatest achievements of the English language that the word monosyllabic, used to describe words with a single syllable, does itself contain five syllables. I love footnotes.

For those people who dont row, me among them, a four is the most common unit of rowing crews. Single rowers are called scullers. They row in a racing boat made for one called a scull. Two rowers is a pair. Four is a four and eight rowers is an eight. Whoever patented this system was a man of staggering charm.

The Higham First Four colours were green and palatinate a kind of pinkie purple quartered. I was known as Tim Higham at college. FitzHigham simply means Son of Higham and always seemed such a mouthful and so awkward to spell that I didnt use it back then.

The Coca-Cola does not have to be drunk warm but I was cold also Im sure having thought about it that another brand of cola would be equally effective but at the time we all thought Coke had magical powers to ward off Weils Disease. Ive suggested this to the Coca-Cola empire as a marketing strategy but am yet to hear back from them: Beat Weils Disease drink Coke! (cue jingle).

I discovered later that officially, Mark had not been sworn in as a Waterman for some reason or other, but in a day-to-day sense hes very much a waterman through and through.

A thing thats not quite big enough to be a road but just too sophisticated to be a track.

Catching a crab is what they call it when you miss a stroke. I was so confused the first time I heard someone say it to a bloke, I asked how his girlfriend was coping with the news.

Sport Relief is Comic Reliefs younger, fitter sister charity, they alternate years. I had completed the paper-boat challenge for Comic Relief the year before and the bath started as a Sport Relief project. This seemed appropriate as there was a serious sporting part to the rowing.

Bernard was the rubber duck Id had since I was small and Ingrid and I thought it would be nice if he had a girlfriend.

For clarity Ive made this a single radio conversation as there were lots of simultaneous conversations flying back and forth on several mobiles and using various different radio frequencies making it very hard to be sure which part of which conversation occurred on what apparatus.

The bee transfer was placed on the urinal as a target the Victorians knew men liked something to aim at. Cleverly, the bee was even positioned in the ideal place to minimise splash back. Two lesser European bathroom companies have produced a range like this but substituting a fly for the bee (Latin for fly: Musca Domestica; not amusing at all) and have put the target in the wrong place, leading to many splashed trousers at hotels in County Cork.

When I was small it was always known at home as the First Local Difficulty. My great-grandfather was the only pacifist my family has ever managed to produce. It says a lot about him that he was a pacifist in World War I who won the Military Medal. This is the highest medal you can win if youre not an officer. Another member of the family (an uncle or cousin, Albert) won the Victoria Cross in the same war. This is the British Armys highest award for gallantry.

Dave and I had become friends playing in Edinburgh years before. It was during one of those boozy nights he first said, Tim, you only exist because P.G. Wodehouse didnt invent you first. Weve been good friends ever since. When he heard about the bath project, he left the same line as a message on my phone. Everyone involved in this book thought it was such a good summary of me that they put it on the cover.

By an odd coincidence, the man whose travel bath Id tried to auction the previous year.

For my family,
here and gone.

A blank page.
Every manual should have one.

This is the true story of how out of hand things can become from a very simple starting point. It covers the two summers when I tried to become the first person in history to successfully row the English Channel in a bath. I pursued this aim with the innocence and drive of a five-year-old and the mess this created is contained in the following volume.

Ive tried to remember the events of those two summers and the intervening winter as well as I can. I may have mixed up a sandbank here or a tide or date there but Ive tried to decipher my notes of the time (written with very badly damaged hands) to the best of my abilities to capture the story as truthfully as possible. I apologise in advance for any mistakes Ive made, but the truth of the bath remains, like the trip itself, eccentric. I do hope you enjoy reading it.

There are a few people to thank, in no order and leaving most of the more important ones out: my friends and other animals. PBJ, Janette, Mary and all at PBJ. Charlie Viney and all at Mulcahy & Viney. Patient Trevor and all at Preface. Jeremy, Karon and Joe. The theatres, kind reviewers and audiences that have kept me out of gaol all these years. The clowns who make it such a joy to make people laugh and have guided me endlessly. The Clan. St Chads College. LFH. The team of hardened drinkers who inspire me. The bar staff who inspire them. And, the bath team this is our story.