Naomi Levy - Hope Will Find You: My Search for the Wisdom to Stop Waiting and Start Living

Copyright 2010 by Naomi Levy

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

Harmony Books is a registered trademark and the Harmony Books colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Levy, Naomi.
Hope will find you : my search for the wisdom to stop waiting and start living / Naomi Levy.1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Consolation (Judaism) 2. Faith (Judaism) 3. God (Judaism) 4. Spiritual lifeJudaism. 5. HopeReligious aspectsJudaism. 6. SufferingReligious aspectsJudaism. 7. Levy, Naomi. 8. Ataxia-telangiectasia in children. I. Title.
BM729.C6L467 2010
296.7dc22 2010014593

eISBN: 978-0-385-53171-9

v3.1

For Rob, Adi, and Noa

A book without a preface is like a body without a soul.
R ABBINIC PROVERB

W hen I was a child, my father used to read me bedtime stories from a childrens Bible. I couldnt get enough of them. I loved hearing about Eden and the Flood, about Joseph the Dreamer and Moses the Prophet who found God in a withered bush. Every night before turning out the lights, my father would slide his glasses down the bridge of his nose, peer over his frames at me, and ask, So, Nomi, whats the moral of the story? I knew my father wanted to teach me to look for lessons, not miracles. I would think for a while until suddenly I could see the point of the story. Then my father would kiss my forehead and turn out the light, and I went to sleep believing in a life that made sense and in a God with a flowing white beard (thats how the books illustrator drew God) who was in control of it all. Of course, as I grew I learned that life doesnt always make sense. And God? In time I learned to see beyond the beard.

When I grew up and became a rabbi, those bedtime talks with my dad would return to me. I saw I could help people through times of confusion. By far the most common human condition I learned to guide people through is this: an overwhelming feeling that life hasnt yet begun. Throughout my years as a rabbi I counseled so many people waiting for life to begin. They would say to me, My life will begin when The people were all different, but the yearning was the same. Life would begin when certain pieces fell into place: when I lose weight, when I fall in love, when I get a job, when I get married, when I have a baby, when I buy a home, when I get divorced, when I quit my job

People came to me with their questions: Rabbi, how do you learn to embrace the present when you dont have what you yearn for? How long do you wait for things to change? How do you find the courage to make a change? What do you do in the meantime? What do you do when you are aware of a yearning but you cant even define what it is that you want or what it is thats missing? What do you do when you have to make a decision and you dont know which way to turn? And I would listen and offer guidance and hope.

But one day, without warning, I was faced with my own personal crisis. Now I was the one who was waiting for my life to begin. My professional life, my emotional life, my spiritual life were in a state of turmoil.

Its always easier to be the birthing coach than it is to be the one in labor. Its so much easier to hold on to hope for others than it is to believe the answer is coming when you just cant see it coming.

As I struggled with my fear and confusion, I could hear my father lovingly asking me, So, Nomi, whats the moral of the story? I was knocked off trackwas there any meaning in my holding pattern? The story only begins when you do something, when you courageously take the steps to overcome your fears and boldly set out on a new path. But then I remembered that my father wanted to teach me to look for lessons, not miracles. I thought and thought until suddenly I could see the point of the story. I could see my own life as a journey, as a narrative with an arc that all people must pass through in their own way.

So I offer my story. This book traces a seven-year journey. The crisis I faced, my struggle to embrace the situation Id been handed, the lessons I learned, and the ways Im still learning each day to stop waiting on the sidelines and plunge into the action.

One of the most painful aspects of waiting for life to begin is the belief that ones life as it is today has no meaning, isnt interesting enough or powerful enough to be a real life. No one wants to live a pointless existence. The reality is, every life just as it is right now has its own unique power and lesson to teach. No life is a chaotic mess devoid of meaning or structure or a message. Every day has its story. Every dream holds a lesson.

There are millions of people who share our struggles. Who isnt longing for something? Who hasnt suffered? Who hasnt gotten stuck or confused or lost? Who hasnt taken a wrong turn? Who isnt frightened?

The moment when we can see how our own story is both a unique and a shared experience, that is when we can see how we are no longer alone. That is the moment when we can see our life as a meaningful story that is shared by all people.

I wish I could say I am fully cured, that I never feel lost or stuck. But that would be a lie. Who said it was going to be easy? And who said any of us will arrive at a true and lasting peace? Perhaps a true and lasting peace is a better description of death than of life. Life is a never-ending struggle. But to give up, to give in to helplessness or resignation or paralysis, is to die when we are still alive. And who wants to do that?

The rabbi in me would like to offer a prayer for you. I pray you will learn to see your life as a meaningful story. I pray you will learn to listen to your souls insistent yearnings. I pray you will come to see just how strong and powerful you are. I pray you will learn to believe you can transform your life. I pray you will learn to live and shine inside your imperfect life and find meaning and joy right where you are.

Most of all I pray you will uncover a great miracle: your extraordinary life.

A Blessing

May God bless you and protect you.

May God bless you with wisdom and vision.

May you dream great dreams and may you see them come true.

May you be blessed with courage and the power to be bold.

May you be blessed with kindness, compassion, and hope.

May you be blessed with love, and a loving, resilient heart.

May your smile be contagious, your joy outrageous.

May you shine and light up the world.

Amen.

One doesnt know anothers sorrow.
Y IDDISH PROVERB

I N J ANUARY 1999 I received a call from a woman named Pam Smith. Pam told me about her twenty-year-old daughter, Rebecca, who was suffering from a fatal degenerative neurological disease. Pam phoned to ask if I would be willing to be the keynote speaker at an A-T fund-raiser she was hosting. I had never heard of the disease. Pam told me ataxia-telangiectasia is a very rare disease affecting only three Caucasian children in a million. Pam said she was inspired by a book I had written.

In 1999 I spent my days writing, delivering lectures around the country, teaching spiritual counseling at a local rabbinical seminary, and together with my husband, Rob, raising our two children, Adi, who was five, and Noa, who was three. I had been a congregational rabbi for seven years, but I chose to leave the congregation so that I could have more-flexible hours for writing, for teaching, and for mothering. When I got Pams call I was feverishly at work on a new book of prayers, and life was good. I had a wonderful husband and two healthy children.