Roger Zelazny - Here there be dragons

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a king who was king of a verysmall country. Indeed, his kingdom was so small that mostpeople were not even aware it existed.

The king thought that it was a fairly large kingdom,though, as kingdoms went. This was because there were manymountains around the place, mountains which were difficult toclimb. Because of these mountains, travelers would just go onaround the kingdom, rather than go through it. And very fewpeople ever left the kingdom, to come back and tell of otherlands. People were pretty much afraid to do that.

They were afraid of the dragons.

They never saw any dragons, mind you, but they were afraidof them. This is because all the maps in the kingdom showedthat they were surrounded by dragons dragons here, dragonsthere, dragons all over the place, all because of MisterGibberling.

Mister Gibberling was the Royal Cartographer. (That meanshe was the official mapmaker.) Mister Gibberling was the RoyalCartographer because his father and his grandfather had beenRoyal Cartographers. Mister Gibberling had learned hisprofession from his father, who had learned it from his father.

Since people did not visit the kingdom very often, and theking's subjects seldom crossed over the mountains themselves,it was difficult for the Royal Cartographers to know exactlywhat to put down on their maps to show what was outside. So, ashe had learned from his father (who had learned it from hisfather), whenever he did not know what to show as being in anycertain place, Mister Gibberling picked up his quill, and witha great flourish of the feather wrote (in fancy letters):

-HERE THERE BE DRAGONS-

Then he would smile, because he had explained a newterritory. Of course, since he did not really know what laybeyond the mountains in any direction, it soon came to appearthat the entire world was infested with dragons. (And he woulddraw little pictures of fire-breathing dragons, roaring andflapping their wings, beneath what he wrote which certainlydidn't help to promote tourism.)

This is why everyone was afraid of the dragons they hadnever seen. If your father were to drive into a gas station andask for a road map, and it said, "HERE THERE BE DRAGONS" and itshowed a little picture such as the ones Mister Gibberlingdrew, your father would take a dif- ferent route. So, since allthe maps in the kingdom showed dragons everywhere, breathingflames and being mean, all the people in the kingdom stayed athome, because there were no other routes.

BUT THEN ONE DAY the king's daughter, the princess, wasgoing to have a birthday, and the king wanted to celebrate itin a special way.

"I want fireworks!" he said.

"Yes, sire. A good idea," said his first adviser.

"Yes indeed, sire. A very good idea," said his secondadviser.

"Oh yes, great sire! A very, very good idea," said histhird adviser.

"Uh, where will we get them, sire?" asked his fourthadviser, who was never too popular around the court (but hisdowager aunt was a good friend of the queen, so the king kepthim about, despite his habit of asking uncomfortablequestions).

"The man who used to manufacture fireworks died some tenyears ago," he explained, "and he never trained anyone to takehis place. This is why there have been no fireworks displays inrecent years."

"We shall simply have to get them," said the king,"because I want them."

"Yes," said the first adviser.

"We shall simply have to get them," said the second.

"Because the king wants them," said the third.

"How?" asked the fourth.

"Well we could, ah import them," said the first.

"Yes, import them," said the second.

"Import them, yes," said the third.

"From where?" asked the fourth.

"Well, uh we could get them from ... Hmm.

"Yes, we could get them from Hmm," agreed the second.

"I was only hmming, not naming places," said the first.

"Oh, pardon me, I thought you meant the city of Hmm on theMm river. It is too far away, now that I think of it."

"Why don't we get a map and look?" asked the third.

"An excellent idea," said the second. "Get a map and look."

So they did. They gathered around the map and studied.

"There are dragons to the east," said the first.

"... And dragons to the west," said the second.

"... And dragons to the north," said the third.

". . . And dragons to the south," said the fourth. "Theyseem to be all around us. In fact, there is only our kingdomand dragons on the map. Consequently, we cannot import anyfireworks."

"It would seem to follow ..." said the first.

"But the king wants them!" said the second.

"But where can we get them?" asked the third.

Then the first adviser had an idea. "What is a dragon,anyway?" he asked.

"Oh, big!" said the second.

"... And mean," said the third.

". . . And ugly and scaly and strong and fire-breathing,"finished the fourth. "There is a picture on the map manypictures, as a matter of fact."

"Well," said the first, "dragons spout flames, don't they?Like Roman Candles, Vesuvius Fountains, Cannon Crackers,Whirlagigs, Blue Angels, Normandy Lights?"

"So I've always heard," said the second.

"Yes, exactly," said the third.

"When is the last time any of you has seen a dragon?"asked the fourth. "Well ..." said the first.

"Ah ..." said the second.

"Er ..." said the third.

"I was only curious," said the fourth. "I have never seenone myself."

"Oh, you. That doesn't prove anything," said the first."Now then, listen: If we can't import fireworks, why can't weimport a dragon to do the same job? Fire, colored lights thingslike that?"

"A stunning idea!" said the second. "Import a dragon!"

"Congratulations," said the third. "It is a brilliantidea. Dragons are available everywhere, while fireworks arenot."

"Yes," said the fourth. "I would like very much to see youimport a dragon."

"I shall suggest it to the king immediately," said the firstadviser. He went and suggested it to the king.

"Oh, my yes!" said the king. "Won't it be jolly to have adragon for the princess' birthday! Why didn't I think of that?"

"That is what advisers are for," said the first adviser.

"Send for a dragon immediately," ordered the king,"medium-sized, and with colored lights."

"Very good, sire," said the first adviser. "Send for adragon," he told the second.

"Send for a dragon," the second adviser told the third.

"Send for a dragon," the third adviser told the fourth.

"Who shall I send, and where?" asked the fourth.

"That is your problem," said the third. "I only relayorders."

"But I have no one to relay them to," said the fourth.

"Then do it yourself," said the third.

"This is ridiculous!" said the fourth, whose name,incidentally, was William.

"It is the order of the king," said the third. "Your placeis to obey, not to question."

"Very well," said William, sighing. "I'll give it a try.But I still think it is ridiculous."

"It is the king's order. Go, import a dragon!" And theylaughed, as the fourth adviser went away to seek a medium-sizeddragon with colored lights.

"I wonder," William wondered, "who I can send to fetch mea dragon? A knight! Of course! I'll send a knight. They aresupposed to be accustomed to doing brave and bold andcourageous things like that."

HE WALKED up the street to the local inn, where theknights spent most of their time eating and drinking. He wentinto the inn and looked for the captain of the King's Guard.The captain was seated at the first table, a huge platter ofbeef and a tankard of ale in front of him. He was a fat manwith a red face and a wart on the left side of his nose. Hekept eating while William talked to him.