Lea Berman - Treating People Well: The Extraordinary Power of Civility at Work and in Life

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Dedicated to the individuals who taught us the most about treating others well:

My husband, Wayne Berman.

Lea Berman

My parents, Loretta and Herschel Bernard.

Jeremy Bernard

I have been fortunate to travel a lot in my life. No matter where I have been or whom I have met, treating everyone with kindness and respect is universally appreciated. Treating People Well contains terrific examples of how a little extra effort in anticipating anothers needs and expressing gratitude can build and strengthen bonds with friends, family, coworkers, and everyone you meet along the way.

During our eight years living in the White House, President Bush and I worked with three outstanding social secretaries, including Lea Berman. Along with her able staff, Lea planned and executed beautiful events with poise and grace. And her flair for entertaining made each occasion memorable.

In the Obama administration, Jeremy Bernard helped carry on the special tradition of excellent service and attention to detail that has been an integral part of welcoming a visitor to the Peoples House. Im pleased that Lea and Jeremy are sharing their life lessons and hard-won wisdom about the advantages of cultivating generosity, patience, and self-restraint.

We all have the power to brighten the lives of others in big and small ways. This book emphasizes why its good for all of us when we try. Enjoy these stories!

Warmly,

Laura Bush

The White House Secretary should combine keen perceptions and sensibilities with the strength of Hercules, the hide of a rhinoceros, great endurance and a sense of humor.

M ARY R ANDOLPH

W e were White House social secretaries for two very different administrationsLea under George W. and Laura Bush, and Jeremy under Barack and Michelle Obamabut we are also good friends. Many people have expressed surprise at our collaboration on this book. How could two people from such disparate political viewpoints find anything to agree on? Sure, were foxhole friends of a sort, having lived through a similar experience. But we stay connected out of a fundamental belief that we both want whats best for our country and that we can find a way to get there by working together rather than against each other.

Its not so easy to keep friends on the other side of the aisle in Washington, where peoples careers and success are often built on the fortunes of the political party they serve. In Washington, your politics are your living and your identity. We refuse to assume the worst about those whose views differ from ours; we accept that they see the world differently not because theyre bad people with specious motives but because they come from another place and have another point of view.

During Leas tenure as social secretary for the Bushes (20052007) and Jeremys for the Obamas (20112015), we planned events, of course, but we also managed expectations, handled last-minute crises, defused awkward moments, introduced people who became friends, kept enemies apart, placated unhappy guests (and coworkers), and took orders from our bossesand sometimes even from people who were not our bosses. We dealt on a daily basis with an extraordinary array of personalities in a highly pressurized environment. In short, we did what a lot of working people do. The difference was our office address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The White House is the storied home of our nations presidents and the seat of the executive branch of the American government. It is also a very real place, a white-columned neoclassical mansion that is at once an office, a home, and a space for social gatherings, clandestine conversations, and meetings of global consequence. The tectonic plates of American politics rub up against one another every day there. Following the direction set by the president and first lady, the job of the social secretarythe official job title is special assistant to the president and social secretaryis to maintain the civility, grace, and style of the White Houses traditions so that the real business of governing a democracy can happen. Our job is to treat people well.

In this book, we share the lessons that made us better at our jobs and, at the same time, happier in our own lives.

At the White House, we became avid observersconstantly reading the mood of a room, on the lookout for anything that seemed off-kilter. It could be minor and easy to fix, like not enough chairs set up in the East Room before a performance, or it could be something serious, like a foreign presidents interpreter pushing the State Department interpreter out of her chair to prevent the president from getting his own verbatim translations of a critical conversation. We were like old-fashioned beat cops: nothing was too small or too big to escape our attention.

While we were watching, we were learning, keenly aware of the behaviors that made everything go smoothly and those that led to bad feelings, complications, and disaster. So much of success, however you define it, hangs on how we treat others from all walks of life. We saw examples of this each day. If a senior staff member wanted to be included in a White House reception, the one who called us personally and asked about it politely received a very different response from the one who had her third assistant inform us that she would be attending. Insisting on your own importance rarely works. Everyone is important, and everyone deserves to be treated well.

We learned these lessons best from the presidents and first ladies we served. They were unfailingly kind to all of their guests, including those who were their political opponents. In fact, they sometimes worked harder to make their disapproving guests feel welcome than they did their friends because they were seeking common ground. There were countless times when we watched our principals try a series of conversational gambits in search of a safe topic with which to engage a nonsupporter. From talking sports to recalling a favorite film, they applied themselves until they found the magic subject that led to a relaxed, comfortable conversation. But it wasnt only guests whom they approached with consideration. Understanding that their words and actions carried unique emphasis and power, our bosses treated their entire staff, whether it was a member of the cabinet, an advisor, or a housekeeper from the residence, with the utmost respect. They also treated each other well, with bonds that were easy and warm. Their marriages were clearly built on friendship, love, mutual esteem, and shared life goals. We came to know what to expect from them because their reactions were reasonable and dependable.

The Bushes and the Obamas are more similar than you might think. Even when their political opponents were harshly unfair, they took the high road because they understood that each president sets a tone for the nation, and that no matter what challenges they faced, they stood a better chance of surmounting them with steadiness, restraint, and decency. Their abiding respect for the dignity of othersnot only as a principle but on a practical day-to-day basisgave them a certain moral authority and made them presidential in the way that the world expects from an American president. We became accustomed to a very high level of public conduct.