Deborah Reber - Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World

differently wired

Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World

Deborah Reber

Workman Publishing New York

To my incredible boy, Asher

But of course I am dedicating this book to you, the reason for it all. I love you with everything I am.

Contents

A Differently Wired World

Normality is a paved road: Its comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.

Vincent van Gogh

A few weeks ago, my twelve-year-old son, Asher, was having trouble getting off his computer and coming to the dinner table. I dont remember why, exactlylikely hed gotten caught up in an expedition in Subnautica or experienced a critical launch failure in Kerbal Space Program, two of his passions du jour. I finally heard him close his laptop, toss his headphones aside, and release a lengthy, dramatic sigh.

Im sorry, he muttered in a low voice, head down, slowly shuffling over to his chair.

Thats okay, honey, I said as he sat down and began to eat. You didnt do anything wrong. Lets just try to learn from this so we can figure out where youre getting off track, yeah?

Before I go any further, this would probably be a good time to tell you that Asher is whats known as twice exceptional or 2e, with the trifecta diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Aspergers, and a ridiculously high IQ. Hes really good at hyperfocusing. And losing track of time. And tuning everything out. And hes not so good at transitions, switching gears, follow-through... that sort of thing.

Im sorry, Asher repeated before shoving a forkful of buttered noodles into his mouth.

Sweetie... seriously. You dont have to apologize. Its totally fine.

I refilled my glass of sparkling water and was just about to ask him a question when he interjected. I think Ive just been conditioned to apologize for everything because I had to do it all the time in school.

Well, that got my attention. What do you mean you had to do it all the time in school? Though I homeschool him now, Asher had spent kindergarten through second grade in a handful of different public and private schools.

Yeah. Every time I did anything wrong that was related to my ADHD, I had to say sorry. Like if I fidgeted. Or I forgot to raise my hand. Or I interrupted somebody. Or I got upset.

How often did that happen? I said, trying to calmly absorb this news flash.

All the time, he said matter-of-factly before picking up his Kindle and immersing himself in a book, his way of signaling that the conversation was over.

My husband, Derin, was out of town, so hed missed this Asher insight, another paper-thin layer of the onion peeling off to reveal a clearer picture of how our boy had become the person he is today.

Im not sure why I was surprised by this revelation, but I was. I mean, I was well aware of the fact that school hadnt been a smashing success for Asher. In traditional classrooms hed been anxious and by all accounts the exact opposite of thriving. Its why wed decided to homeschool him in the first place.

But this new bit of information Asher nonchalantly dropped on me chipped away another piece of my heart. Because what I know about apologies is that theyre what people say to take responsibility for things theyve done that are wrong. Things they regret. Things they could have made better choices about if theyd been more thoughtful or conscientious or good.

I thought of Asher, at the tender ages of six, seven, eightmy little guy with the too-long hair falling over his big brown eyes, his rail-thin body laboring under the weight of an oversize shark-themed backpack overflowing with library booksgoing back and forth to school every day ready to learn, grow, play with his friends, and be a kid.

And apparently, regularly apologizing for who he is.

I had to wonderHow many times in his short life has Asher gotten the message that hes wrong or broken or rude or bad?

I dont know about you, but Im not okay with any part of this story, and its indicative of a massive tragedy playing out in schools and communities and homes everywhere. We live in a world where children who are in some way neurologically atypical, or what I describe as differently wireda term I use to refer to the millions of people with neurodifferences such as ADHD, giftedness, autism, learning disorders, and anxiety, as well as those with no formal diagnosis but who are clearly moving through the world in a unique wayare being told day in and day out that there is something wrong with who they inherently are.

As you likely know all too well, parenting an atypical kid in a conventional world is an often lonely and difficult journey, with our families paying the price for the intolerance, misinformation, and lack of support that exists in todays society. Fueled by a desire to shift the way difference is perceived and experienced by exceptional kids like Asher and the parents raising them, I founded TiLT Parenting in 2016 to change the conversation surrounding neurodiversityand to help parents find more peace, confidence, and joy along the way.

Initially launched as a weekly podcast featuring interviews and conversations to inspire and inform parents like us, TiLT has developed into a thriving global community of people committed to embracing and supporting who our kids are, no matter what. My highest goal is to ensure that parents walking this unmarked path never feel alone againand have what they need so their extraordinary children can thrive.

Differently Wired wont give you a step-by-step formula for magically ending your daughters months-long regressions or fixing your sons organizational challenges. Im not going to share the secret to eliminating your childs anxiety or explain how to create a positive behavioral support chart so you can finally end screen-time battles. And this is not a book specifically geared toward any one diagnosis. Plenty of good books are already available for every developmental differencemany of them sit well worn on my bookshelf; they will give you tactical strategies for specific challenges. Many of you may not even have a formal diagnosis for your child. The truth is, dividing us into diagnostic buckets, although helpful when searching for specific tools to address specific challenges, also has the side effect of keeping us separate and secluded. The way I see it, difference is difference is difference. Though the symptoms and behaviors of our kids may vary, so many of our challenges as their parents are actually the same. And we are much more powerful together.

We need one another because Im looking to tackle something big. And, I hope, something revolutionary. Because the bergoal of Differently Wired is to redefine how neurodiversity is perceived in the world, and shift the parenting paradigm to one that acknowledges and includes our experiences. At its heart, this is a book about saying nono to trying to fit these square-peg kids into round holes, no to educational and social systems that dont respect and support how they move through the world, no to frustration and isolationand saying yes to the gifts of these unique children and everything that goes along with who they are.

Differently Wired lays out a vision for starting with usparentsand shifting our thinking and actions in a way that will not only change our family dynamic, but allow our children to fully realize their best selves. The best part? By making these shifts in our own world, we are rejecting whats broken in the status quo and demanding a new, inclusive, supportive paradigm. And that, my friends, means were actually moving the world closer to a place where difference is genuinely seen and valued.