2017 Thomas H. Christofferson
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the publisher, Deseret Book Company, at permissions@deseretbook.com or P. O. Box 30178, Salt Lake City, Utah 84130. This work is not an official publication of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The views expressed herein are the responsibility of the author and do not necessarily represent the position of the Church or of Deseret Book Company.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Christofferson, Tom, author.
Title: That we may be one : a gay Mormons perspective on faith and family / Tom Christofferson.
Description: Salt Lake City, Utah : Deseret Book, [2017] | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017025630 | ISBN 9781629723914 (paperbound)
Subjects: LCSH: HomosexualityReligious aspectsThe Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. | Mormon gays. | Christofferson, Tom. | The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day SaintsDoctrines. | Mormon ChurchDoctrines.
Classification: LCC BX8643.H65 C47 2017 | DDC 261.8/35766dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017025630
Printed in the United States of America
Lake Book Manufacturing, Inc., Melrose Park, IL
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
For my incomparable parents,
Paul Vickery Christofferson and Leah Jeanne Swenson,
who have been and remain the foundational blessing of my life
And now Father, I pray unto thee for them,
and also for all those who shall believe on their words,
that they may believe in me,
that I may be in them as thou, Father, art in me,
that we may be one.
3 Nephi 19:23
Contents
Publishers Preface
Among the many important books that we present each year, the uniqueness of this particular volume seems to invite a word of introduction from the publisher. It is a book that is both timely and needed by individuals, family members, and ward brothers and sisters who find themselves navigating one of the more difficult and emotionally intense topics of our time.
In this book, Tom Christofferson speaks from his heart. In doing so, he allows us to travel with him on a journeya unique journey, because it is his and his alone, but one filled with insight and learning for all who are striving to understand and love their fellow man more fully and completely. In many ways, Toms story is a love story. It is a story that recounts the love of parents for children, of children for parents, of siblings for each other, and of Saints, leaders, and members in the Lords Church for one another.
Everyone who has worked on this project has witnessed Toms gracious acknowledgment of the difficulties inherent in creating a book such as this one. His willingness to accept the risk of having his choices second-guessed and his motives misconstrued is testament to his desire to help others. And this book will help. It opens new dimensions to the dialogue about homosexuality and other gender-related issues that are so prevalent in todays societyand that result in very real questions among Church members.
The fact is, there is so much that we simply dont know. Where does homosexuality originate? Why does it even exist? What are its causes? For Latter-day Saints, who acknowledge the central role of marriage and family in our Heavenly Fathers plan of salvation, those questions become even more poignant, complex, and heart-wrenching: What choices do those who identify as gay or lesbian have if they wish to remain faithful to gospel covenants? What is our Fathers plan for these individuals in the eternities?
Although we recognize that not every LGBTQ individuals experience will mirror Toms, we hope that his contribution to the dialogue will open doors and offer perspectives that readers may not have considered. Charity, the pure love of Christ, should, after all, be a universal experience among the family of God.
Introduction
I sat in my car in front of the bishops house, too early to go to the door and too embarrassed to drive around the neighborhood one more time. It was a winter evening early in 2008. I had moved to New Canaan the previous summer. My partner and I had looked at a number of homes (it felt like we had looked at every house for sale in the lower Fairfield County area of Connecticut) before settling on the one at Four Winds Lane. I had felt drawn to the area because a long-ago BYU roommate of mine had lived in New Canaan, and I knew there was a ward there. As we were looking for homes we would often drive past the LDS chapelthe first time, my realtor pointed it out and said, Thats the Mormon church. Theyre good customers; lots of kids, so they buy big houses.
This meeting tonight would represent a significant step, one I had been contemplating for several months, ever since I had begun attending sacrament meetings frequently. On those Sunday mornings, I tried to time my arrival at the chapel to be about five minutes after the service had begun. I would sit in the back, in the overflow area in the cultural hall on those miserably uncomfortable steel folding chairs, and bolt for the door the moment I heard the amen of the benediction. But in that intervening hour, I felt the stirrings of something familiar, the Spirit-to-spirit confirmation of doctrine and testimony.
This would be my first formal conversation with a Church leader since I had left the Church more than twenty years earlier.
In 1984, I had been living in Southern California. My short-lived marriage to a wonderful woman, who had no way of understanding the havoc that marrying a man who thought he had tendencies would bring into her life, would soon be annulled. I felt I had tried in every way I knew how to be the perfect Mormon boy and man: president of every class and quorum, a love- and testimony-filled mission to Montreal, Qubec, a degree from BYU, and marriage in the Los Angeles Temple. And yet, despite hours of prayers, days of fasting, years of service, I was still gay. I had reached the breaking point; I felt I couldnt keep moving in the direction I had been going. I had no concept that one could be gay and Mormon, and it felt important to me to feel I was approaching the next phase of my life with integrity, not trying to hide what I had come to know about myself. So I asked to be excommunicated in order that I could set out to discover if I could be gay and happy. At that time, simply identifying oneself as gay was sufficient reason for excommunication, so the council was brief and the result unsurprising.
Indeed, I had been blessed with a very happy life. An interesting and rewarding career had allowed me to live and work in Los Angeles, New York, Luxembourg, San Francisco, and London. In San Francisco, I met the man who would be my partner of nineteen years. He was a hospital administrator who would later qualify to be a family medicine doctora kind, smart, funny, generous, and thoughtful person who would become beloved of my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews.
But two decades after leaving the Church, despite that enjoyable and fulfilling life, I felt the lack of a strong spiritual center. My partner and I had attended a number of churches over time, and many embodied an admirable gospel of Christian action in the world, but they were missing the theology of the Restoration, so important to me. As a teenager, I had received a witness of the Book of Mormon, and that conviction had never left me. Wise parents had managed the process of ensuring that my partner and I were fully integrated into the family, so I had no feelings of anger, bitterness, or pride to keep me from acting on the desire to return to some kind of participation in churchthe LDS churchto the degree possible.
