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Kindlon - Raising cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

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The stunning success of Reviving Ophelia, Mary Piphers landmark book, showed a true and pressing need to address the emotional lives of girls. Now, finally, here is the book that answers our equally timely and critical need to understand our boys.In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., two of the countrys leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in more than thirty-five years of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting--sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Statistics point to an alarming number of young boys at high risk for suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, violence and loneliness. Kindlon and Thompson set out to answer this basic, crucial question: What do boys need that theyre not getting? They illuminate the forces that threaten our boys, teaching them to believe that cool equals macho strength and stoicism. Cutting through outdated theories of mother blame, boy biology, and testosterone, Kindlon and Thompson shed light on the destructive emotional training our boys receive--the emotional miseducation of boys.Through moving case studies and cutting-edge research, Raising Cain paints a portrait of boys systematically steered away from their emotional lives by adults and the peer culture of cruelty--boys who receive little encouragement to develop qualities such as compassion, sensitivity, and warmth. The good news is that this doesnt have to happen. There is much we can do to prevent it. Kindlon and Thompson make a compelling case that emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer our sons, urging parents to recognize the price boys pay when we hold them to an impossible standard of manhood. They identify the social and emotional challenges that boys encounter in school and show how parents can help boys cultivate emotional awareness and empathy--giving them the vital connections and support they need to navigate the social pressures of youth.Powerfully written and deeply felt, Raising Cain will forever change the way we see our sons and will transform the way we help them to become happy and fulfilled young men.From the Hardcover edition. Read more...
Abstract: The stunning success of Reviving Ophelia, Mary Piphers landmark book, showed a true and pressing need to address the emotional lives of girls. Now, finally, here is the book that answers our equally timely and critical need to understand our boys.In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., two of the countrys leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in more than thirty-five years of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting--sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Statistics point to an alarming number of young boys at high risk for suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, violence and loneliness. Kindlon and Thompson set out to answer this basic, crucial question: What do boys need that theyre not getting? They illuminate the forces that threaten our boys, teaching them to believe that cool equals macho strength and stoicism. Cutting through outdated theories of mother blame, boy biology, and testosterone, Kindlon and Thompson shed light on the destructive emotional training our boys receive--the emotional miseducation of boys.Through moving case studies and cutting-edge research, Raising Cain paints a portrait of boys systematically steered away from their emotional lives by adults and the peer culture of cruelty--boys who receive little encouragement to develop qualities such as compassion, sensitivity, and warmth. The good news is that this doesnt have to happen. There is much we can do to prevent it. Kindlon and Thompson make a compelling case that emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer our sons, urging parents to recognize the price boys pay when we hold them to an impossible standard of manhood. They identify the social and emotional challenges that boys encounter in school and show how parents can help boys cultivate emotional awareness and empathy--giving them the vital connections and support they need to navigate the social pressures of youth.Powerfully written and deeply felt, Raising Cain will forever change the way we see our sons and will transform the way we help them to become happy and fulfilled young men.From the Hardcover edition

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RAISING CAIN HELPS US UNDERSTAND THE INNER LIVES OF BOYS MUCH AS MARY PIPHERS - photo 1

RAISING CAIN HELPS US UNDERSTAND THE INNER LIVES OF BOYS MUCH AS MARY PIPHERS REVIVING OPHELIA SHED LIGHT ON THE STRUGGLE OF THE ADOLESCENT GIRL.

The Tampa Tribune-Times

If you love a boy, were a boy, or care about boys and the men they become, read this book. Perfectly balancing cutting-edge science with engaging anecdotes and arrestingly useful insights, Kindlon and Thompson have written the book on boys. It is superb.

E DWARD M. H ALLOWELL
Author of Driven to Distraction and Worry

Raising Cain enumerates many suggestions for fulfilling the emotional needs of boys.

The Boston Herald

Raising Cain is an important book and a fascinating read. Kindlon and Thompson are persuasive in their argument that it would be good for boys to become more emotionally literate, to understand their feelings and those of others more. Parents and teachers will welcome the valuable suggestions for how to stay tuned in to a boy, while respecting his autonomy. Raising Cain gives us a much-needed glimpse into the inner lives of boys. I found it quite absorbing.

E LEANOR E. M ACCOBY , P H .D.
Emeritus Professor of Psychology, Stanford University
Author of The Psychology of Sex Differences and The Two
Sexes: Growing Up Apart, Coming Together

Among the growing list of books addressed to parents of boys, this new one by psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson is by far the best Ive seen. Raising Cain provides compelling evidence of the ways we fail to meet the emotional needs of half the population, and offers advice that should be taken to heart by anyone in a position to influence a childs growth.

Colorado Springs Independent

Offers helpful insights and anecdotes, backed by scientific research, on the inner emotional life of boys.

The Boston Parents Paper

Selected by the Book-of-the-Month Club
Selected by the Quality Paperback Book Club

Contents Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 - photo 2
Contents

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 4.

Chapter 5.

Chapter 6.

Chapter 7.

Chapter 8.

Chapter 9.

Chapter 10.

Chapter 11.

Chapter 12.


Except for Casey Johnson, Alex Sehn, and Ethan, Tyler, and Susan, none of the names appearing in the case histories and anecdotes are real, and, to further protect the privacy of the individuals involved, certain identifying details also have been changed. In addition, some of the case histories and anecdotal material about boys presented in Raising Cain are based on composites of several different boys.

Preface to the Paperback Edition

T he hardcover edition of Raising Cain was published on April 8, 1999, just twelve days before the shootings at Columbine High Schoolmaking our choice of title more prescient than we intended. As a result of that tragic murderous rampage and suicide by two high school boysfollowing as it did on the heels of similar tragedies in other citiesthe national dialogue turned to anguished questions about angry and violent boys. How could this happen? What made them do it? Why this epidemic of school violence? And, as one boy asked us in a school assembly two days after the shootings, Why didnt their parents know what was going on with those two guys?

These events shocked us all, and, at times, the dialogue moderated by the news media bordered on hysteria. National statistics clearly show that school violence nationwide is actually down, and many school administrators in poor urban neighborhoods were dismayed by the amount of attention given to violent incidents in suburban schools following decades of bloodshed in their own schools. Nonetheless, beneath the often-politicized debate about the causes of boy-generated violence, important, previously overlooked issues were being addressed.

The Columbine tragedy cast a spotlight on some of the hidden boy problems we discuss in this book, such as the adolescent culture of cruelty that preys on unpopular or nonconformist boys, and the high cost to all of us of the emotional illiteracy thats so common among boys and men. As the national discussion evolved from a focus on the psyches of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris to issues that affect many boysthe climbing suicide rate, binge drinking, steroid use, undiagnosed depression, academic underachievement, and the disproportionate representation of boys among car crash victimsthe discourse moved beyond simple sound-bites.

As child psychologists who have worked extensively with boys, we hope we can offer insight into boy behavior and feelings that others might not easily see or understand. Our experiences with parent audiences and reporters across the country have left us feeling both encouraged and discouraged about peoples grasp of the emotional life of boys. We are disheartened that the media continues to look for simple answers, such as the theory that testosterone causes violent behavior, to explain the complex psychology of boys. We were upset to hear Governor Jesse Ventura, appearing with us on a talk show, advocate the return of corporal punishment in Minnesota schools with the glib assertion, I was paddled as a boy, and it didnt hurt me. It was just humiliating. Hitting or humiliating boys is not the answer to our problems, nor is putting boys in boot camps.

On the hopeful side, we have been thrilled by the huge turnout of fathers at our talks about raising boys; typically, it is mothers who attend parenting lectures. We have been moved by the number of men who have come up to us to share their own stories or to thank us for giving them permission to show tenderness toward their boys. I was raised in a macho family, where we didnt touch much, said one father. Now I have eleven-year-old and eight-year-old boys, and we hug a lot. You made me feel like I was doing the right thing. We have laughed and been gratified when we heard from women, such as the one who told us, Ive read all the books on boys, but this is the one that made me understand both my son and my husband!

To be honest, writing Raising Cain has also been a significant psychological journey for the two of us. We have revisited our boyhoods, our relationships with brothers, fathers, and friends, and emerged with a deeper understanding about how the events of the past continue to influence us. We have had to come to terms with areas of our own emotional illiteracylimitations that became painfully obvious as we struggled to deal, man-to-man, with creative differences that emerged during the writing of this book. We understand ourselves better, as boys, men, husbands, and fathers as a result of this collaboration. We hope that Raising Cain will guide our readers, women and men, on a similar journey into the souls of boysa journey that reveals how boys suffer, how they love, and, most of all, how they often remain emotionally illiterate in pursuit of a caricature of strong, silent masculinity.

Dan Kindlon, Ph.D.
Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

Introduction

W e are two male psychologists who have specialized in treating boys for more than thirty-five years of our combined practice. From the earliest days in our training, we have been sent the angry boys, the boys who kick things, and especially the boys who dont talk. We have played pool and basketball with our patients and called it therapy. We have talked with boys while building Lego structures with them. We have discussed family problems with boys as we lined up plastic soldiers preparing for a major battle. We have left our offices to make trips across the street to the Store 24 to purchase junk food and returned to the office to eat it, discussing the relative merits of Mountain Dew and Surge in our efforts to make contact. We have conducted therapy sessions walking the streets of Cambridge or sitting in pizza parlors, in diners, in cars. We have had boys jump on our couches and leap to the floor with alarming thumps. We have had colleagues from downstairs call to complain about the amount of noise going on in our therapy sessions. All we could do was apologize: Were very sorry. Of course, therapy should be quiet. It should involve talking, not jumping. But were doing therapy with boys here!

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