Special Praise for Its Not About the Sex
Its Not About the Sex offers hope and direction to those recovering from sexual compulsivity. As daunting as recovery can seem, this book helps readers gain a sense of calm by recognizing key issues that will move them forward in their lives. Susskind provides a pathway to let go of shame while garnering self-compassion and understanding. The authors years of experience also bring depth and breadth to the healing process. From living in fantasy to embracing reality, from letting go of perfectionism and image management to accepting the imperfections of humanity, and through its exploration of the possibilities of recovery, this powerful book reinforces the readers commitment to sexual sobriety.
Claudia Black, PhD
Author, Unspoken Legacy and Intimate Treason
Going beyond current tension around out-of-control sexual behaviors, such as whether we should link sexual compulsivity to a pathologizing, disease-oriented addiction model, Susskind addresses the need for humans to learn how to connect, love, and thrive in intimate relationships. The author cites brokenheartedness as cause, and his is a fresh, much needed voice in the barren landscape of treating and overcoming problematic sexual expression. This is an openhearted framework for navigating toward a life filled with healthy sexual pleasures.
Patti Britton, PhD, MPH
Clinical Sexologist, Sex Coach, and Cofounder of SexCoachU.com
Author, The Art of Sex Coaching
Its Not About the Sex is a transformative guide for those in recovery from sexual compulsivity. Andrews compassionate, forward-thinking book will help you begin and sustain meaningful connections. You will be deeply inspired by his uplifting insights as well as his own story.
Sandra Foster, PhD
Senior Faculty, College of Executive Coaching
Coauthor, Positive Psychology in Coaching
Susskind does a superb job analyzing the emotional underpinnings of sexual addiction. I particularly enjoy his human, non-mechanistic approach.
Laurence Heller, PhD
Founder of the NeuroAffective Relational Model
Author, Healing Developmental Trauma
This groundbreaking book fills a huge gap in helping sex addicts take the next steps toward sustainable, long-term recovery as they realize their fullest potential for intimacy.
Alexandra Katehakis, PhD
Author, Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation
Focusing not only on behavior change, Susskinds inspiring approaches facilitate healing and recovery by addressing intimacy and development of deeper connection and meaning in relationships.
Larissa Mooney, MD
Assistant Clinical Professor, UCLA Department
of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences
Director, UCLA Addiction Medicine Clinic
Coeditor, The Assessment and Treatment of Addiction
With sexual addiction, stopping compulsive behavior is only the first step in recovery. Sex addicts must also learn to live happier, healthier, more intimately connected lives. In Its Not About the Sex , Andrew Susskind provides a roadmap for living life to its fullest while healing from this debilitating addiction.
Robert Weiss, PhD, LCSW, CSAT-S
Author, Sex Addiction 101, Out of the Doghouse , and Prodependence
Its Not About the Sex
Its Not
About
the Sex
Moving from Isolation to Intimacy after Sexual Addiction
Andrew Susskind
CENTRAL RECOVERY PRESS
LAS VEGAS
Central Recovery Press (CRP) is committed to publishing exceptional materials addressing addiction treatment, recovery, and behavioral healthcare topics.
For more information, visit www.centralrecoverypress.com .
2019 by Andrew Susskind
All rights reserved. Published 2019. Printed in the United States of America.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.
Publisher: Central Recovery Press
3321 N. Buffalo Drive
Las Vegas, NV 89129
24 23 22 21 20 191 2 3 4 5
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Susskind, Andrew (Social worker) author.
Title: Its not about the sex: moving from isolation to intimacy after sexual addiction / by Andrew Susskind, LCSW, SEP, CGP.
Other titles: It is not about the sex
Description: Las Vegas: Central Recovery Press, [2019]
Identifiers: LCCN 2018052579 (print) | LCCN 2019004243 (ebook) | ISBN 9781949481075 (ebook) | ISBN 9781949481068 (pbk.: alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Sex addiction. | Sexual desire disorders.
Classification: LCC RC560.S43 (ebook) | LCC RC560.S43 S87 2019 (print) | DDC 616.85/833--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018052579
Photo of Andrew Susskind by Starla Fortunato.
Every attempt has been made to contact copyright holders. If copyright holders have not been properly acknowledged, please contact us. Central Recovery Press will be happy to rectify the omission in future printings of this book.
Publishers Note : This book contains general information about relationships, recovery, and related matters. The information is not medical advice. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.
Our books represent the experiences and opinions of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date. To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book may have been changed.
Cover design and interior by Deb Tremper of Six Penny Graphics .
To my grandmother, Rose Feingold, who traveled from Romania to Brooklyn to South Jersey. She believed in me when I needed it the most.
All identifying details, including names, have been changed except for those that pertain to the authors colleagues and family members. This book is not intended as a substitute for working with a trained professional.
Table of Contents
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety .
The opposite of addiction is connection .
Johann Hari
Introduction
Sexual addiction is commonplace in our culture. But so is the desire to heal. Twenty-five years ago, clients came to me with the sole purpose of stopping their self-destructive sexual behaviors. Today its a different story: not only do they want to put an end to the cravings, they want to live better lives as well, with greater intimacy. The root cause of their suffering tends to be brokenheartedness. I have found that out-of-control sexual behavior is really about pain, and the remedy is reliable relationships.
It takes hitting bottom for many people to seek help, but even after therapy theyre often vulnerable to relapse because they remain haunted by their past. On the outside, life looks stable. Yet on the inside theres a constant fear of backsliding. This is part of the sex addiction paradox: recovering addicts can appear high functioning while they deal with lingering pain, longing for meaningful connection.
