DioGuardi - A helluva high note: surviving life, love, and American idol

This book is dedicated to youthe reader

May you find your passion in life and make it your purpose. May you find the resolve to face your deepest fears and overcome them, and lastly may you have the courage to follow your dreams so that you will never know regret. On a lighter note, when reading this memoir, I hope you laugh at times and are able to find humor in your own dark moments, too. Without that I would have been truly lost.

KARA DIOGUARDI

Contents

I think of this book as the longest song Ive ever written. In a way its the soundtrack to my life. It takes you through the events that inspired my music and influenced me to be the person I am today. My way of storytelling is truer to the art of songwriting than it is to penning memoirs because thats what I know and do best. When you sit with the pageor with your collaborators, in the case of songwritingyou never really know what piece of your past, present, or future is going to surface. But its good to leave yourself open to the surprise. What will you tap into this time? An unresolved feeling about a parent? A letter you wish you had sent to a lost love but didnt? Or a fear you thought was long dormant until it reawoke with a vengeance? You pull from different memories even though why you may be reflecting again on a moment from five years ago isnt quite clear. When you listen to your inner voice, it has an uncanny way of telling you what you have and havent dealt with yet and what you need to look at in order to move forward.

Each chapter of this book recounts a memory, experience, or, in some cases, an issue Ive really struggled with and conquered. Not surprisingly, these major life themes found their way into my musicsometimes many years later, when I finally came to understand their influence on me and the fact that so many others had felt these feelings at some point, too. I named the chapters after these songs so you would ultimately know the events in my life that helped give rise to them. I also included anecdotes that reveal a little bit about that day in the studio, in the car, in the gym, on iChat (where I wrote This with Darius Rucker and Frank Rogers), or wherever else my cowriters and I were physically, mentally, and emotionally on the day a particular song was born. Hopefully you will get a sense of how real-life experiences on the part of me and those Ive written with translate into music.

If youre not a songwriter, you may be asking Whats in this book for me? And thats a good question because at first it may seem a little like that forgotten event from five years agothe one that wasnt all that relevant until it was keeping you up at night again. The truth is, if you are, or have ever been, in search of yourself, needing inspiration, or looking for love in all the wrong places, even if just for a nanosecond on the big clock of life, then we have shared something in common and this book is for you. I have spent most of my years trying to figure out who I am and why I do what I do, whether Im asking myself this for the sake of my art or for my own well-being (usually its for the latter). Through the answers Ive uncovered, Ive been able to heal myself and help others who are asking the same questions.

Too many of us are born into families and communities that have built-in belief systems we are expected to blindly follow. Frankly, I grew up feeling trapped by traditions and expectations that had nothing to do with who I am or what I wanted to be. But thank God for my inner rebel. I spent lots of time probing my needs and desires and developing my voiceboth my singing voice and my writing voice. In retrospect, I credit my darkest timesand there have been manywith making it impossible for me not to face my demons. Fortunately, the light on the other side of that introspection made up for all the pain.

Its never easy to evaluate yourself or the direction of your life, but I highly recommend it. You never know when youre going to need to draw from the clarity and strength it provides. And you dont want to go on piling up could haves and should haves in life either.

I owe a lot of gratitude to the writers and artists Ive worked with along the way who made me feel safe enough to share my deepest secrets. They helped me face the corners of my soul that I never would have even peered into without them. They listened, comforted, and reminded me that I wasnt alone.

If you walk away after reading this book even slightly more in tune with your own needs, desires, and fears, or feeling the least bit inspired to find your true voice, then Ive succeeded in my goal. That is what this book is all aboutfinding the courage to reach for your own personal high notes in life even if it means falling flat more often than not. Most of what I have learned in life has been through my failures, not my successes. Ive experienced both and some in very public forums, but Im all the better for it, as youll soon find out.

Kara DioGuardi

Prospect, Maine, July 2010

P.S.In a couple of places, Ive changed, or left out entirely, the names of individuals who have played a role in my life in order to protect their privacy. In a few places, Ive altered details, locales, and other specifics to be sure these people are not recognizable, but in no instance have I altered or changed the stories that I am sharing with you.

T he Fourth Judge.

When you say it out loud it sounds completely harmless. Like a Fourth Street, a fourth date, the fourth time. Little did I know that three simple words (yes, I counted right this time) would shake up my behind-the-scenes life in such a remarkable, exhilarating, but mostly gut-wrenching way.

It was first relayed to me that American Idol was looking for a fourth judge when I was in my agents office (how ridiculously Hollywood does that sound?) and he closed the door to say, Ive put you on a short list to be the fourth judge on American Idol . I looked at him, completely confused, then smiled as if he had told a good joke. Was he serious?

What are you talking about? Why do they need a fourth judge? I asked.

America, understandably, would soon be asking the same question. Why fix something that wasnt broken? The shows ratings were phenomenal and everyone loved the judges. I should have known right then that there would be problems. Looking back, I was naive to think that the proposition of Idol , with all its cachet and promise of celebrity, wasnt more like having a fully loaded gun propped in my mouth and ready to go off at any time.

I left the office not even considering the possibility that Id ever be asked to join the famous judging panel. I was incredibly nonchalant about it all because, truth be told, I had probably only watched one full episode before that day. I was immersed in my career as a songwriter, A&R executive at Warner Bros., producer and co-owner of Arthouse Entertainment, a music publishing company. I never had time for television other than episodes of Law & Order (I am obsessed with Sam Waterston and love to watch him take those creeps down). Plus, Id worked with a lot of the idols after their victories, and I didnt want to be overly influenced by the singers performances on the show. I wanted to keep an open mind about their musical styles and abilities for when I met them in person.

A few weeks later I got a call to meet the producers of the show and several of the network executives. Could they be serious about this whole fourth judge thing? Despite these nagging questions, I put on my best tight skirt and bought a designer blouse (because, lets be honest, the sweatpants and vintage tee that I usually wore to the studio werent going to cut it) and I walked confidently into the meeting at 19 Entertainment.

I entered with a cool, empowered demeanor because I never thought for one second that the interview would amount to anything. The one familiar face I saw was Simon Fullers. He is the powerhouse behind Idol , the owner of 19 Entertainment, which looks after many of the contestants, including some who have earned the Idol title, and he is the manager for other celebrity talents including the Eurythmics, Spice Girls, and Victoria and David Beckham, just to name a few. Talk about an entertainment mogul. Since I had briefly been in the band Platinum Weird with Fullers client Dave Stewart, he had to have known about the duos failure, and maybe even about my brief stint on The One , an ABC summer music show in 2007 that garnered the lowest debut ratings that season and was yanked off the air in its second week. Yikes, seeing Fuller started to bring back the memory of these unfortunate back-to-back failures! As if that wasnt bad enough, all these other self-sabotaging thoughts crept into my head, like, Why hadnt he told the others? Surely they wouldnt have taken the meeting. I became painfully self-conscious. I didnt look anything like a star. But as I now know, nobody does until the stylists put a million pounds of makeup on you and tease your hair to high heaven. As you can imagine, it was an intense meeting. Nobody really spoke too much, which made me talk even more (a nasty little habit that reared its ugly head whenever I was nervous and would later make Simon Cowell want to duct-tape my mouth shut).