Johnston - Midlife maze: a map to recovery and rediscovery after loss

Midlife Maze

Midlife Maze

A Map to Recovery and Rediscovery after Loss

Janis Clark Johnston

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

Lanham Boulder New York London

Published by Rowman & Littlefield

A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

www.rowman.com

Unit A, Whitacre Mews, 26-34 Stannary Street, London SE11 4AB

Copyright 2017 by Janis Clark Johnston

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review .

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available

ISBN 978-1-4422-7269-9 (cloth : alk. paper)

ISBN 978-1-4422-7270-5 (electronic)

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

To Lois Treasure Whitacre Clark,a mother for all ages,

and to everyone who grapples with loss

Contents

I am indebted to a mainstay, my mother, Lois Treasure Whitacre Clark, for both my birth and her unwavering support throughout my life. Mom and my late father, Robert Dale Clark, taught the value of lifelong learning. Mom took me to the public library as a child. Every week I checked out ten books. Our home was filled with books my home is filled with books. While today I find many learning opportunities in person and online, I continue to read many books from public libraries.

Mom also taught the value of making a difference. If there is one notion to capture my mothers peace-in-the-world actions over her 94 years, it is Henry David Thoreaus words, offered gender free: If a man or a woman does not keep pace with their companions, perhaps it is because they hear a different drummer. Let each step to the music which he or she hears, however measured or far away . Human behavior, in daily drumbeats, suggests that people lean toward pessimism or optimism. Mom leans not only on her walker these days, but she leans toward optimism. Her ability as a difference drummer, every day making a difference in small steps, inspires me. Her present-moment living is an example of how to make our world a better place.

Two more mainstays are my children, Ryan Clark Johnston and Megan Gale Johnston, who taught me more about present-moment living than they might guess. While each generation models a way to live for future generations, children have a tremendous influence in shaping parental behavior. My beloved late husband, Mark Emmett Johnston, and I were truly blessed as parents to have their child guidance. Their incredible childhood creativity stoked my desire to meet my own need for creativity. I continue to reap many insights from my wise children.

I am very grateful to Dick Schwartz for his Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy training. As I adapted IFS to work with children in my family therapy private practice, I found that adult clients also benefited from drawing personality maps to understand and change their behavior. I am equally grateful to Francine Shapiro for her development of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. Shapiros integrative psychotherapy is powerful in treating PTSD and bereavement. This book complements diverse therapeutic approaches to loss and grieving.

Midlife Maze was a seed ready to sprout when Bill OHanlons online course on book writing reached my email treasure chest. Bills expert coaching helped to germinate this book. His straightforward feedback led me out of an initial haze of crisscrossing ideas. His sound advice was just what I needed to organize my thoughts. Thanks to Deborah Malmud for her online course in publishing.

My first reader, Melanie Weller, made poignant suggestions; I am so appreciative of her fruitful support of this work. Other generous readers added fertilizer to the growing manuscript: Frieda Brown, Jean DAmico, Alice Epstein, Gail Gehrig, Marnie Gielow, Mary Rose Lambke, Theresa Lebeiko, Celia Schulhoff, Ann Solari-Twadell, Joan Suchomel, Annie Tolle, Carol Wade and LeeLee Ward. Gini Williams asked all the right questions about glitches in my book proposal.

I am truly blessed to have the support of an extended community. I am forever grateful to my book group for 25 years of sharing tea and talk about great books, my mahjong group for creating incredible food and fun, my tai chi and yoga partners for savoring balance and breath, my gym exercise buddies for enduring belly and brain workouts, my gardening volunteer companions for expanding plant awareness and appreciation, and my church and meditation community for giving compassion and clarity.

Since I thoroughly enjoyed working with Suzanne I. Staszak-Silva, senior acquisitions editor at Rowman and Littlefield, on my first book, It Takes a Child to Raise a Parent, I am grateful for another opportunity to learn from her editorial expertise. Also, special thanks go to the Rowman & Littlefield team, including Kathryn M. F. Knigge, Anita Singh, and Indrani Samaddar among others.

Ongoing thanks to numerous friends who shared heartfelt stories of loss and recovery. And especially, I am deeply grateful for countless client families who were not afraid to air their sadness and pour out raw passion regarding their significant losses. I have been privileged to walk by their side in rediscovering meaning after loss. I am honored to have their trust. They taught me much of what I know about a healthy grieving process. Each one of us has something to teach another.

Janis Clark Johnston

Midway upon the journey of my life I found myself in a dark wood, where the right way was lost.

Dante, Middle Ages Italian poet, The Divine Comedy

Born between 1946 and 1964, the baby boomers bloomed, well most of them. The generation following the boomers (born between 1965 and 1981), Generation X, germinated and grew, well most of them. Have you found yourself wilting in midlife, and wondering what you might do to flourish in your remaining years? Have you lost your way in the midlife maze due to a significant loss? Did you lose your job or desired career advancement? Did you separate or divorce? Did your last child leave home? Did your family experience a virtual storm of bankruptcy or lose your life savings to Bernie Madoffs fraudulent Ponzi scheme? Or did a real storm a tornado or hurricane demolish your home? Did you or someone in your family experience the loss of good health? Or did you weather the death of a family member, partner, or friend? Your loss story is personal. Your path through winding passages in the midlife maze is unique. The most important encouragement for your grieving process is to know this simple fact: grieving is a natural healing response to loss rather than a pathological experience.

MIDLIFE: THE AFTERNOON OF LIFE

The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.

Swedish proverb

The change for midlife women is not the only change. Ready or not, many changes flood midlife. Denial of the need to change is common. Denial of time to grieve changes brought by loss is especially common. Who has any time? Midlifers are on the cusp of handling mortgages/rents that are too high, juggling career/lifetime decisions, and perhaps navigating the throes of parenting. Middle-aged adults cope with the afternoon of their lives as well as the morning of childrens lives if they are parents, teachers, and/or coaches. Most baby boomers view themselves as still young, in spite of advancing numbers on their birthdays. Some boomers consider themselves more as the lunch bunch along with Gen Xers, rather than the afternoon nap crowd. However, loss has a way of letting you know that there is no free lunch.