Marissa LaRocca - Starving In Search of Me

STARVING
IN SEARCH OF ME

A Coming-of-Age Story
of Overcoming an Eating Disorder
and Finding Self-Acceptance

BY
MARISSA LAROCCA

Copyright 2018 Marissa LaRocca

Published by Mango Publishing Group, a division of Mango Media Inc.

Cover Design: Marissa LaRocca and Morgane Leoni
Layout & Design: Morgane Leoni
Author Photo: Heather Leigh Cullum - http://www.heatherleighcullum.com/

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Starving in Search of Me: A Coming-of-Age Story of Overcoming an Eating Disorder and Finding Self-Acceptance

Library of Congress Cataloging
ISBN: (p) 978-1-63353-712-5, (e) 978-1-63353-713-2
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017916449
BISAC SEL014000 SELF-HELP / Eating Disorders & Body Image

Printed in the United States of America

To my former self, and to those currently struggling to find comfort in their bodies, in the world.

Table of Contents

PART 1:
WHATS EATING THE WALLFLOWER

Chapter 1
WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?

Chapter 2
MY QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

Chapter 3
MY SECRET BATTLE WITH FOOD

Chapter 4
THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

PART 2:
10 LIFE TIPS TO HEAL You from Self-Harm

Chapter 5
REFLECT ON THE ROOT CAUSES OF
YOUR BEHAVIOR

Chapter 6
STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM

Chapter 7
MAKE TIME TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR BODY

Chapter 8
SPEAK UP AND ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED

Chapter 9
TRUST YOUR INTUITION

Chapter 10
MAKE CHOICES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY

Chapter 11
SPEND YOUR ENERGY WISELY

Choose Friends and Romantic Partners
Who Accept You for You

Limit Exposure to Environments and
Personalities that Drain You

Chapter 12
ORGANIZE YOUR LIVING SPACE TO PROMOTE WELLBEING

Chapter 13
EAT MINDFULLY, BUT NOT NEUROTICALLY

Chapter 14
CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF AS YOU EVOLVE

Chapter 15
FINAL WORDS

I first met Marissa about ten years ago. I happened to be dating her twin sister Kristy at the time. We were all queer in our early twenties, each of us on an existential quest to understand ourselves in a world that was only beginning to unfold.

Marissa had an eating disorder back then. The first time I came to understand the severity of it was one Christmas when I accompanied Kristy and Marissas family to their Aunt and Uncles house. We all ate a good amount of foodfirst an array of appetizers, then an array of dinner options, and a colorful array of desserts. Soon after, I found Marissa locked in the bathroom in the basement and she confided in me that she was struggling with what she had consumed. I was able to identify because Id gone through an eating disorder myself just a couple of years prior and was still very familiar with the urges. From then on it was something we would talk about every now and then, whenever we found ourselves on someones stoop smoking a cigarette after a few drinks.

Another memory comes to mind simply because theres irony in itI was lying on the beach with Kristy, reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Kristy and I were deeply interested in Buddhist philosophy . In the process of defining ourselves, and our relationship, we were drawn to the lessons presented by this book: All life is a series of present moments; Pain is the result of resisting things we cannot change; The ego is a powerful weapon that need not limit or define us we can free ourselves from suffering by cultivating self-awareness and not judging our thoughts.

On this particular day, we invited Marissa to sit with us to read and watch the ocean but, instead, Marissa was revved up in her running shorts and sneakers, ready to burn calories by running laps around the beach. The irony was that Kristy and I were reading a book about surrendering to the present moment and Marissa was running, quite literally, away from it. She was running away from herself in the way so many young women do.

I was just nine years old when I first considered the relationship between food and my body. I had a ballet teacher pinch my love handle fat and say, Dont go telling your parents I called you fat. By the age of eleven or twelve, there were weeks when all Id eat were peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And into my teen years , I was primarily anorexic. I calculated every calorie that went into my body, consuming under five hundred calories some days. Of course, my dance teachers all praised my petite frame. I got cast in every lead role in every ballet show we put on. And the more attention I got, the more it reinforced this notion that starving myself was good . Starving myself was my ticket to opportunities and admiration I would not have otherwise received. Restricting my diet to such an extreme was difficult to keep up with, considering the amount of dancing I was doing, so Id have binge days, which left me feeling indescribably horrible. I never purged; I just couldnt bring myself to do that. But I definitely had days where I danced for four hours, ate very little, and completed an hour of Tae Bo before bed.

In a recent conversation, Marissa asked me, Do you consider yourself fully healed from your eating disorder? In my response I said, I dont think I can consider myself healed unless I considered myself broken before, and I never considered myself broken. Mental disorders don t define people or their state of being. They are just experiences we have along our journeys to learning who we are. Do I allow food to control me now ? No. Do I starve myself? Definitely not; I consider nourishing my body to be one of my highest priorities. So , the simple answer would be, Yes, I consider myself healed . I consider myself happy and healthy. But do I still have moments? Days? Thoughts? Yes, of course. I relate my recovery to that of any addict. You can be an alcoholic and sober for years, but youre still an alcoholic. The difference is youve learned to become stronger than your thoughts and get in touch with something deeper in yourself, or something bigger than you, which gives you a perspective that enables you to make healthier decisions for your own well-being. This is the closest thing to healed that I think I can be: focused on self -love and willing to surrender to one day at a time.

As a YouTube vlogger, plant-based advocate, and LGBTQ activist, Ive had the privilege of touching the lives of hundreds of thousands of people around the world. I receive hundreds of messages daily, mostly from girls thanking me for helping them in big or small ways just by being ME and sharing what Ive been through. I say this in my videos constantly, but if I could send one message to young people today, it would be this: YOU ARE WORTHY. I truly believe in my heart that every single human being on this planet has purpose and massive potential, and too often it goes unrealized. Since recovering from my own addictions, I am able to see self-harm and self-hate as ways in which the negative energy in the world (or the dark sides within us) try to bring us down and shut off our light so we cant shine. I say, be your own kind of beautiful. Speak out. Share who you really are. Prove society wrong.