Hamilton - Bite sized: a mothers journey alongside anorexia

Bite Sized Fiona Hamilton Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia Authors Note Bite Sized is a story from my experience, a personal story. It is not the whole story, but I hope this little book with its few words and plenty of space is enough. My daughter has given permission for some of her experience to be included. One day she may decide to tell her own story; for now, she is engaged with other creative work. I hope that readers will respond in their own ways and not feel they need to ask for more. The story is also ours.

It is shared by many people. I have met some of them, and I know there are many others all over the world. People affected by eating disorders and by other mental health issues. People navigating the complexity of growing up, or caring for others. Perhaps you will find your own connection with the themes in a different way. This book comes with a heartfelt thank you to my dear family and friends and to all the many who in different ways have been kind, bold, practical, funny, loving and prepared to learn, change, keep going, not judge, and stay alongside.

Bite Sized is also an offering to many people I dont know, who share in the story in their own ways. Fiona Hamilton Foreword
by Philip Gross, author of The Wasting Game There is a poets accuracy and tact in these short utterances that sometimes look so slight, so isolated in the white space of the page. The art is in the fact that we might scarcely think (till afterwards) that they are poetry. Any reader whose family has been through a similar experience will recognise the tentative, sometimes faltering, untidy truth of them. I am one of those readers. Page after page brought back little shocks of memory yes, Ive been there often in response to tiny details.

But I suspect there are few readers who will not catch a resonance somewhere in their circles of family or friends. The dark wing that has brushed them might not be an eating disorder. Many kinds of addiction or obsession seep into the fabric of a family in this way; when this happens, no one is untouched, and all need care. To speak with clarity and sensitivity, in a language so free of the too-available response of guilt or blame, is in itself a kind of care. This account is not a case history; it is not a family therapy session. This is one person using the disciplines of writing to set down their own journey through the new and suddenly strange landscape into which such an illness pitches the whole family.

This writing does not put words into the daughters and anyone elses mouth ... though those others might well feel enabled to speak for themselves through its example. By speaking sparely, honestly and proffering no pat answers, Bite Sized offers anyone going though such challenges the chance to see their own experiences with new clarity almost literally to inscribe them in the wide spaces on the page. At a key moment in the story, a consultant confides the uncomfortable truth that medical science does not have the answers to the problem. Rather than being dismayed, the mother is grateful, is braced by this humility and says I trust her more / not less / for telling me / how little we know. The way these pieces reach for provisional hope at the end is all the more moving for its not quite understanding where it comes from, or why the balance has tipped a little towards life.

Meanwhile, as a working principle, we might share Fiona Hamiltons humble apprehension here that love might be the place to begin. Bite Sized One day our daughter got anorexia Of course, it wasnt that simple What I remember is her standing by the window with her back to me crying Was that the beginning? I remember
she was the only one
who said she didnt want an ice cream
in the half term holiday
a few weeks before Was that the beginning? I remember
her infectious giggles
climbing trees right to the top
sucking lemons
singing That was before the beginning Maybe the beginning was at primary school
when her best friends stopped being Best
or were only some days - and she never knew which Maybe it began with girls in the playground
comparing their weight
and one girl puffing up with pride: Im only four stone Maybe it began singing solo
in the school concert I Walk Alone
applause that left a bitter taste Maybe it began with a game
of piggyback rides with boys
that depended on lightness Maybe it began with a lie
We cant lift you
in the dance class Maybe it began with a morsel Maybe it began with a bite Maybe it began with things being too much Maybe it began with being fed up Maybe it began with a gut feeling Maybe it began with something she couldnt stomach Maybe it began with a gene Maybe it began long ago Maybe it began with ashes on the tongue Maybe it began with a lump in the throat Maybe it began with ordinary sadness Maybe it began with wanting something to be beautifully, perfectly small or so light it could float away Our daughter started losing weight invisibly then visibly I watched her eat I asked her teachers to check she finished her lunch They said She is, shes having everything
just like everyone else I took her to the doctor The doctor asked some questions
plotted her weight on her baby chart
did blood tests The blood test results came through
showing nothing We went back to the doctor who did more tests and sent us home It was dark and cold Christmas was coming Midwinter: a phone call in the evening Shes probably got coeliac disease Shell need an investigation Itll have to be after the holiday weekend Time was heavy Our daughter grew lighter We got through Saturday and Sunday but Christmas morning was too much This cant be right We carried her in a blanket to A&E A windowless room Our daughter on a bed Tests Nothing obvious They sent us home with build-up drinks After Christmas she had an operation
to check her intestine Was this it? She has coeliac disease She mustnt eat gluten They sent us home for the new school term
but she wasnt well enough
to go to school We brought her meals on a tray clambering stairs like cumbersome giants in a shrinking world Her Dad and I cut up portions offering bite sized helpings elfin portions and sips of water as if from a thimble in a desert Each tiny portion weighed a ton It was backbreaking work like heaving stones in sweltering midday sun And then everything stopped We were back in hospital hearing the words Shes got anorexia Maybe that was the beginning but it felt like the end anorexia What an ugly word anorex rex rex rexia It wrecks ya, it wrecks ya anorexia It means loss of appetite which is odd because anorexia is the hungriest thing in the world It can eat you alive And when everything starts again everything has changed Our daughter has turned ferocious shes shouting and swearing thrashing her arms and legs with superhuman strength I swear her eyes have changed from blue to cold granite grey She is refusing to eat or drink anything not even her saliva she spits it out into a plastic cup over and over spits it out There is only one way to keep her alive Brave girl , says a nurse threading a tube down her nose The tube is attached to a machine that beeps and whirrs pumping creamy liquid into her stomach I dab some from the bottle onto my tongue Our daughter gazes at the digital numbers to calculate how much they are giving her it has become vital for her to know its the most important thing in her world She keeps trying to pull the tube out and pinch it closed The pump is not going to work so they abandon it and pour the liquid down the tube holding it up high to make use of gravity The young nurse looks miserable holding the plastic umbilicus tethering her to my child I wonder what she thinks of me as I watch her struggle to feed my child