Emily Halban - Perfect: Anorexia and me

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Emily Halban Perfect: Anorexia and me
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    Perfect: Anorexia and me
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    2008
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Perfect: Anorexia and me: summary, description and annotation

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Emily Halban developed anorexia in her final year at school. She went on to university at Oxford where her disease took on a powerful dimension and by her final year she was so debilitated that she had to sit her exams in a separate room where she could be fed continuously throughout each one.
With heartbreaking candour and poignant intimacy, Emily vividly chronicles the complexities and inner struggles of living with anorexia. Two years on, she traces her disease from its elusive origins, through its darkest moments of deprivation, guilt and self-loathing, and finally recounts her journey towards recovery. Emily allows us to understand what its really like to suffer from anorexia, exposing its secrets and dispelling some of the myths that shroud it.
Alive with self-awareness, but never self-pity, Perfect is an inspiring read that will help those battling with the horrors of anorexia find a way out, and those on the outside to understand more.

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Contents

About the Author

Emily Halban was born in Geneva in 1983 and spent her childhood there before moving to England to study at Oxford University. Emily developed anorexia at the age of sixteen and suffered from the disease for eight years, sitting Oxford finals in a separate room so she could be continuously fed throughout. She graduated in 2004 and moved to London where she now leads a healthy life with her fianc, Sam.

Messages from readers

This is a profoundly moving book searingly honest, uplifting, interesting and ultimately hopeful. It does not seek to offer simple solutions or unrealistic expectations, but it gives the best portrait I have read of the cruel disease that is anorexia.

K. Waldegrave

Perfect is beautifully written and very moving. I am certain that this book will help many people affected by anorexia but will also touch a far greater audience than just those who have a connection to this illness. Well done Emily on an absolutely wonderful book.

Maggi x

I love this book A few people I know have been affected by this cancer of the soul, and I wanted to read a real persons story of how they coped. I found it. Its amazing You truly are an inspiration.

Becky xxx

Hi Emily,

I am currently in recovery stage and am reading your book at the moment and cannot tell you how much it is helping me thank you so much for writing about your experiences and helping us all.

Sam x

I have just finished reading your book, and I admire your courage your book brought a glimmer of hope, that maybe one day things will somehow change, and Ill reach out and grab that glimmer.

All the best,

Louise x

Emily,

Your raw honesty brought me to tears more than once I felt like I was standing beside you through the whole experience. I just wanted to say well done but more importantly thank you.

Lots of love,

Mia

I have just finished your book and thought it was absolutely amazing. I have anorexia and am just beginning the recovery stage your book has inspired me it has really made me see and think into what my family have gone through and how this disease has affected them too. Thank you.

Much love,

Kristen xo

Dear Emily,

[Perfect] is beautifully written As a clinician, I have had some direct experience of the problem: every fact and thought I could remember from my cases was retrieved in your narrative, which, it seems to me, could stand as a clinical lesson on anorexia [My] empathy and admiration for the fine person you are.

With best wishes,

Ele Ferrannini, MD, Professor of Medicine

A brave and inspiring story by a brave and inspiring person.

Rose xxx

Dear Emily,

I was both fascinated and saddened by your story. I knew nothing about anorexia until now, but as the mum of two girls it is something Ive thought about What I found so remarkable was the way in which you were so lucid, so clearly able to understand what was happening to you while it was going on. I am sure it must be really inspirational to other young women struggling with similar issues from someone who understands, doesnt judge and who survived!

From a mother

I am a counsellor and Perfect is one of the most informative and totally honest books on anorexia that I have read. This book does not back away from reality, and through that reality there is hope for all anorexics. If you are anorexic read this book, if you are a parent or sibling of an anorexic read this book.

Mrs. Kerry D. Beck

Emily. I could not put this book down. Each word is from experience and the heart I think even those not connected to the illness in any sense would find your book well worth reading. You should be very proud of yourself not just for your book. Thank you.

Emma x

To be in touch with Emily, please visit:

www.emilyhalban.wordpress.com

Prologue I WRITE NOT because I feel that I deserve any special merit for what - photo 1

Prologue

I WRITE, NOT because I feel that I deserve any special merit for what I have been through. I do not claim the following pages to be worthy of special attention. I feel the need to share my experience precisely because it is not extraordinary. Day after day the amount of individuals bound or bound to be bound by the same fate seems to escalate at a worrying scale.

Many volumes have already been written on the subject. Some stories that have been published in the past are those of lifelong destitution and hardship. When I read through such heart-rending pages, I feel guilty. I was privileged: gifted, happy, pampered, cared for and loved; my anorexia hit me just as hard. There have been self-help books, medical accounts and explanations in so far as they exist. However, when I was ill, such documents only served to guide me further into my illness. Whenever I came across a symptom I did not possess, I was quick to put it into practice too. When I studied the ways in which to put on weight , I assiduously did all I could to perform the opposite. Anorexia has a perverse way of twisting a helping hand into a forceful grip that drags the suffering patient deeper into Hell.

What I desperately looked for at the time, and still wish I could find today, were details as to what happens when one does begin to recover. After accepting that one has the illness, after seeking help, after beginning to put on weight. When I began to eat again I was so afraid the hunger would never subside. I was afraid I would start to binge permanently. My idea of a gargantuan portion may still have been anothers slimming dish, but when how would I learn to understand what a normal quantity really was? Why was I no longer able to digest certain foods for a while? Was the weight going to stop escalating at some point? How could I know if I really was totally okay? What did that feel like anyway? No one realises how difficult the last few steps actually are. No matter how well supplied with crutches and support, I was still exhausted, afraid and incredibly confused. I needed someone to tell me what recovery was like. I wanted to hear a trustworthy real-life version of what I was to expect. I wanted a role-model with whom I could identify. I want my book to answer those whose questions still are not met. And I want to stress that anorexia is an illness. It is a cancer of the soul and it is nobodys fault. It can be healed.

Anorexia creeps into the family. People close to the victim often suffer just as much. They feel just as vulnerable and frightened. Very often they will manage to handle the situation as long as their loved one is still on the road to recovery. However, when the one they cared for finally does pull through, such individuals, faced with demons they managed to silence for so long, will typically spiral into similar or other forms of depression in turn.

I wish I could offer a coherent once upon a time. I wish I could say exactly when it all began, where and how and why. I can trace no traumatic experience that suddenly turned my world upside down. My story is not that of a miserable childhood shattered with horrifying tales to recount. I did not drink (a lot), I did not smoke (that often); the only drug I knew of was that sweet raspberry syrup I was sometimes given as a child to help me sleep. Mine is the dreamed portrait of a perfect little girl come from a perfect family of five living in a perfect House & Garden home with a puppy dog and a big kitchen and an innumerable amount of perfect friends. My life was perfectly balanced and I was perfectly happy: everything was in perfect blissful, innocent and harmless control. Then control took control and I was left with no control. It took me years to work out that things didnt have to be perfect.

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