Lancaster - By the Numbers

To: christophersinclairjr@calmail.berkeley.edu,

jessica@sinclairsartorial.com

From: the_bride@kelseylovesmilo.com

Date: May 30

Subject: Greetings from Bridal Central!

Hi, you guys!!

Im soooo excited to see you both! I cant believe Im getting married in a weekWOOOOOO!! Its, like, everything that the fam is going to be together one last time in the house, except for Barnaby, which, OMG, dont get me started or I will be sobbing all over again.

Listen, I need you two to have my back on somethingMom says Daddy cant stay over Friday night, which is ridic because theres oodles of space. Like, hes supposed to drive all the way back down to his place with Stassi in the city after the rehearsal dinner, then turn around and come back to the burbs first thing in the morning? What if hes so tired he crashes on the Edens or something? I mean, WEDDING DAY RUINED, right? I kept pleading and pleading and she was finally all, He can get a hotel room, an Uber, or a time machine and a code of ethics. His choice. Shes THE WORST. When you guys get here, please, please help me change her mind. Like, we can make up a spreadsheet or somethingthose are always her jam.

Bee-tee-dubs, shes been such a bitchacrite about everything. Shes all, Are you sure you want to decorate the tent with rusty birdcages? Happy to buy you new ones if youd like. Would you prefer champagne glasses? Might they be easier to drink out of than Mason jars? Why is she so controlling? She so doesnt get my curated aesthetic, which is gonna be great, right?

I think thats it as Im currently tied up sourcing an iron bathtub to hold craft beers at the receptionand it will be EPIC.

Big love,

Kels

P.S. Milo is bringing his food truck as a surprise for the after-party following the reception!

P.P.S. I just got a flock of sparrows in flight tattooed across my collarbone. Bridesmaids dont HAVE to get a coordinating sparrow inked, but its my gift to them, so theyre strongly encouraged to opt in. Dont tell Mama Killjoy.

To: christophersinclairjr@calmail.berkeley.edu

From: jessica@sinclairsartorial.com

Date: May 30

Subject: Flight info

Toph,

What day are you coming home? My flight arrives from JFK on Wednesday at noon. Thats as late as I can possibly get in without (a) making Kelsey absolutely banana-sandwich-crazy by not being there sooner and (b) still being able to hit the party at Mimsy and Gumpys club. You know I love me some cocktails with the grandparents.

Other than dinner with the oldsters, Im not looking forward to any of this. For real. From the nosy cousins grilling me, all, Since when is fashion blogging a career? to the three-ring-hipster-shitshow of a wedding party to the tremendous passy-aggro question mark that is whatll happen when our mother comes face-to-face with Dad and Stassi (whos actually really chill), this will NOT be fun.

I feel like the only lucky one is Barnaby. At least he had the good sense to die before Kelsey could proceed to drape his noble self in daisies and trot him down the aisle with the rings. Did we break some sort of record for worlds oldest beagle? Wait, Im sure our mother knows the exact longevity statistic and will tell us allabout it.

TTFN,

Your favorite sister

P.S. I am not getting Kelseys basic bird tattoo; I want to be crystal clear about that.

P.P.S. If Kelsey doesnt shave her pits for the big day, I will hold the bitch down and shear her like a sheep.

To: jessica@sinclairsartorial.com

From: christophersinclairjr@calmail.berkeley.edu

Date: May 30

Subject: Re: Flight info

Jess,

I dont start my new job with Goldman until June 15th, so Im coming home on Monday and flying back to San Francisco a week later. Really looking forward to being in Chicagoits been way too long. Think I can sneak away to catch the Cubbies on Thursday?

Hey, saw your latest Instagramnot to sound like a cousin, but how do you afford the sweet Chelsea loft and boots with a comma on the price tag? Maybe you should have been the one to go into finance, because clearly you know something we dont about cash flow.

Anyway, see you soon.

Topher

P.S. Kelseys higher than usual if she thinks Im wearing the straw boater AND the bow tie AND the arm garter. Im a groomsman, not a member of a goddamned barbershop quartet.

P.P.S. R.I.P. Barnaby. You were a real good boy.

P.P.P.S. No more Mom bashing, though, okay? Dont forget, Im on her team.

I say, Im Penelope Bancroft SinclairPennyand I can tell you when youre going to die. Then I raise my wineglass.

Kelsey gasps and claps her hands over her eyes. Jessica makes a moue of disgust, grimacing with a delicately curled lip. Thats when I realize Ive said the wrong thing and embarrassed my daughters.