Lunden Joan - Had I Known: a memoir of survival

I dedicate this book to my amazing family, my friends, and all those who reached out to me day after day on social media, sending me their prayers and well wishes. You have all provided me with healing strength.

While Im not always forthcoming with expressing how I feel with my emotions, its necessary to say a thank-you. My love runs deep, and my heart is full from how you rallied around me in my time of great need. I will admit to you only now that yes, I needed you. You have always been there for me when Ive needed you, even if I never said it. And yet never more unconditionally than how you gathered around me during these past nine months. Your strength, support, and unwavering love did not go unnoticed and certainly didnt go unappreciated. Your strength and encouragement are what helped me remain so strongI could not have made it through the fire without all of you.

This is the story and my personal journey of how I faced my breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment head-on. Yup, its the good, the bad, and the bald, ugly truth.

Breast cancer is not a one size fits all disease. It requires great personalization for treatment and therefore no two battles are the same. If you think you might have breast cancer or are currently in treatment, its critically important that you seek your own medical advice for proper diagnosis and treatment. The information I offer throughout the pages of this book merely details the path I chose to follow for my personal treatment. There are many roads to walk, and this is the one I took. I am not a medical professional and therefore the advice and information I share throughout this book are in no way intended to be offered as medical advice.

For whatever reason, it has never been easy for me to accept help from anyone, family or friends, so when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wasnt sure how or even if I would allow myself to accept the unconditional love and kindness you all showed. It didnt take a dance with death to know that I had an incredible partner in my husband, Jeff. I have had Jeff by my side throughout this journey, and in my head: Each time I felt down or stressed out, he would remind me of my personal fortitude and the enormous amount of love and support I had. Jeff has truly been my anchor through it allhes shown such amazing love, loyalty, and patience. I especially appreciate that last one, his patience.

Of course, none of this has surprised me. Jeff is one of the most loyal, caring, and conscientious people Ive ever known. When you meet Jeff, its hard not to be bowled over by his presence. Hes incredibly charismatic, and what can I say, hes a tall, handsome, athletic guy. And you would think that would be enough, wouldnt you? Yet those characteristics that one would look for in a mate take a backseat to his character, his loyalty, his compassion, his convictions, and his tenderness. I remember the first day I ever saw Jeff, at a deli in Rye Brook, New York. Ironically, I was having lunch with my friend Laura (and the coauthor on this book) and my daughter Sarah, who was ten at the time. I looked up and saw him standing in the doorway, looking around the restaurant, and suddenly, our eyes met. He flashed me that thousand-watt smile of his.

I turned to Sarah and said, How can I meet a nice guy like that?

To which Sarah said, How do you know hes nice? And being ten, she added, Go say hi and meet him.

I told her it didnt work that way.

Why not? she asked.

I explained that girls dont just walk up to boys and say, Id like to get to know you.

She shot back, Why not? Thats stupid!

Okay, so maybe she had me there.

Jeff kept looking at me throughout lunch, and Ill admit, I kept sneaking looks at him, too. The funniest part was we kept catching each other looking. Id smile but turn away, embarrassed, like a schoolgirl whod gotten caught staring at her crush.

What do you like about him, Mom? Sarah asked.

I told her I thought he looked confident but not arrogant; that he looked very kind; and that he had a smile that could light up the Empire State Building.

It was right about then that Jeff boldly walked to our table and introduced himself and ultimately asked for my number so he could take me out to dinner sometime. I was single, but clumsy single. I was also not so quick to give out my phone number, even though I desperately wanted to. Laura, being a great friend, figured out right away that I was too shy and scared to give him my number, so she grabbed a pen from her bag and wrote my office number on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

That was a Saturday.

On Monday morning, he had already called the office by the time I was off the air from Good Morning America. From our first date, I believe we both knew that not only did we feel immense chemistry, but we greatly admired each other and what we stood for in life. So Ive always known he was special, though only this journey has shown me just how special.

And the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

My mother-in-law, Janey, often jokingly reminds me, Ive trained him well!

Yes, you did, Janey!

Of course, her husband, Donny, helped, too.

Going through chemo produces something known as chemo brainits a kind of fog that gets in the way of concentrating and hearing things the first time people tell you something. One day Jeff laughingly equated living with my chemo brain with a woman putting up with a mans selective hearing. I love that analogy. Dont tell anyone, but I may have to milk this one for a while.

I have always had wonderful relationships with my daughters Jamie, Lindsay, and Sarah. Im so proud of the lovely women theyve become. However, a disease like cancer can connect and bond a family in such miraculous ways that relationships deepen, bringing out the very best in everyone. It can also send them running for the hills out of sheer panic or, worse, break them apart.

My older daughters have been there for me in ways I could have only hoped and prayed for but never fully imagined. They were by my side for every doctors visit and treatment, regardless of what they had on their schedules and despite my assurance that I didnt need them to be. They checked in with me daily, just to be sure I was keeping my glass half full (both philosophically and literally!).

When Lindsay gave birth to my first grandchild, her beautiful little girl, Parker Leigh, in late August 2014, she gave me the most precious reason to maintain the warrior mode I had gone into from pretty much the moment I was diagnosed. Looking into the eyes of my daughters beautiful baby girl, I knew I had to fight harder than ever to beat my disease. There were so many days ahead for all of us to celebrate the joys of lifenot the tragedy of possible death.

When Lindsay gave birth, she took three months maternity leave from her role as vice president at my production company. I was wonderfully blessed to have Lindsays younger sister, Sarah, fill her shoes. At the time, Sarah was living and working in television production in Los Angeles but was more than willing to come back east to help out. It was no small request! She was just hitting her stride in L.A. when I called to ask if she would consider putting her life on holdassuring her that it would be only for a short time, until Lindsay was able to come back to work. I knew it was a bold move for Sarah to leave California and her job on such short notice. But I didnt know who else to turn to.