Maitland Iain - Out of the madhouse: an insiders guide to managing depression and anxiety

OUT
OF THE
MADHOUSE

AN INSIDERS GUIDE TO
MANAGING DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

MICHAEL MAITLAND
AND
IAIN MAITLAND

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

Contents

Preface

Out of the Madhouse tells the story of Michael Maitland, and that of his family dad Iain, mum Tracey, younger sister Sophie and younger brother Adam, plus Bernard the family dog.

Michael went to university in 2007 to do a degree in Illustration and, whilst there, he suffered from depression and anxiety which led eventually to anorexia and, finally, hospital and the Priory.

Thats where our story begins, in the Priory in the late autumn of 2012. It is a story with a mix of happy and sad times, highs and lows and tragedy. The story comes to an end in 2017.

The book is divided into three parts Into the Priory, Going Home and Inside the Maitland Family. Michaels diary and notes form the backbone of much of the book and let fellow sufferers and their parents and loved ones see inside the head of someone with mental illness and understand how they think and feel.

Alternating with Michaels words, I write about the effects upon and feelings of the family if you have a loved one with mental illness, you are not alone and will recognise much of what our family experienced over the years. I also offer self-help thoughts and ideas through the book that will help those with mental health issues, and those who love them, to manage depression and anxiety and related issues.

This is a memoir, a self-help guide and more happiness, sadness, stupidity, regret, pain, shame, embarrassment and so many other emotions are all here. So too is love angry, frustrated, irritated, worried and more but always love. It is a strong and golden thread that runs from the start, right the way through to the end, and beyond.

Iain Maitland

P.S. With one or two exceptions, we have anonymised the names and slightly changed the details of everyone referred to in the book, other than the main Maitland family: Iain, Tracey, Michael, Sophie and Adam and Bernard the dog.

A FAIRY STORY

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, there was a nice family called the Maitlands who lived in a lovely house by the sea in Suffolk. Iain, the father, was a writer. Tracey, the mother, was a teaching assistant at a local primary school. They had three children Michael, Sophie and Adam and a Jack Russell dog named Bernard.

Iain spent 30 years writing books and articles, mostly on business and finance but also on health, wealth and happiness articles such as Swop Your Cheese & Tomato Sandwich for 30,708, How to Make Someones Eyes Pop Right Out of Their Head and Men! Restore a Full Head of Hair with a Hot Fresh Cowpat.

Traceys work at the local primary school involved spending time with small, usually sweet and sometimes noisy, children between the ages of five and eight years. She occasionally had to dress up as historical figures, such as a pirate or a serving wench. She also made regular appearances as Wheres Wally. There were always copious amounts of paperwork to complete and meetings and stuff like that. There was plenty of wee, poo and sick at times as well.

Michael had a happy childhood, full of family fun, lots of friends and days out and holidays galore. He had a love of art, and a talent for it, from an early age. Having got a stack of GCSEs at Ipswich School and four A Levels at Northgate Sixth Form College in Ipswich, Suffolk, he did a degree in Illustration in Norwich in 2007. He went on to begin a masters degree in Moving Image and Sound in 2011.

Sophies childhood was equally happy. She was Head Girl at Amberfield, an all-girls school in Nacton, Suffolk, and then won a scholarship to go to Ipswich School to do her A Levels. She too got plenty of GCSEs and A Levels and went to Durham University to do a degree in Psychology from 2011 to 2014.

Adam, eleven years younger than Michael, and seven years younger than Sophie, was at Amberfield until he was seven and then moved to Ipswich School. With Michael having left home in 2007 and Sophie leaving in 2011, Iain, Tracey and Adam were a close, tight-knit family along with Bernard the dog.

Bernard lived on a farm with a farmer and his wife and daughters for the first four years of his life. Niamh, who owned Bernard, went to university with Michael as boyfriend and girlfriend. Bernard came to live with the Maitlands in 2008. For a long time, Adam and Bernard were constant companions.

One evening in October 2012, Iain received a text from Michaels girlfriend, Niamh. She texted that Michael had been taken to hospital with pneumonia and a collapsed lung. Anorexic, after years of anxiety and depression, he was on the brink of death.

So, what with that and one thing and another, the Maitlands didnt live happily ever after at least, not for a very long time. In fact, there were times when they thought theyd never be happy again.

Part One

INTO THE PRIORY

November 2012

First thoughts

Im being transferred from Ipswich Hospital to the Priory in Chelmsford (Essex). Im dreading it, being away from Niamh and my life. But I know that if I dont go in, Ill probably be sectioned. If I go in voluntarily, Im more likely to get out faster. Im hoping I wont be in for more than a couple of weeks.

Ive decided to keep a diary whilst Im there. Ive been told (by several health professionals) that its a good thing for me to do and will help pass the time. I dont mind the first bit. The second sounds ominous. Its been suggested that I start writing by explaining how I got to this point.

I cant really believe how I managed to get this bad. At university (20072010), I slowly started to notice I didnt feel right. I began staying in more, not seeing people, and struggled with how I felt about myself. As my self-esteem dropped, so did my confidence and happiness, and I had quite a short temper at times.

University work (BA Illustration) became harder to do, and doing art was something that Ive always loved doing. Ive drawn, painted and taken photos for as long as I can remember, but I couldnt even bring myself to do any of that. I tried now and again to do things I enjoyed, but they just seemed to slip away from me. If you lose passion for something, then whats the point?

I felt like I had lost all my purpose and drive. This dragged me down further and I started hiding away and not seeing friends. I only saw my family very occasionally because I was with my girlfriend, Niamh, in a flat in Norwich 4050 miles from where they lived. Things were mostly okay-ish between us but they did get difficult at times. Generally, Niamh was always happy and had plenty of drive (and supported and encouraged me as best she could), whereas I found it hard to even get up out of bed at times.

After university (2010), we moved back to Ipswich and this was when things got really bad. I didnt see anyone any more, rarely left the house and wouldnt talk to anyone, apart from Niamh, for days on end. It was then I think I started to feel like there was a big hole inside of me, like part of me had died. I didnt really care any more about anything especially myself. I didnt care about my health, how I looked or the fact I was on my own for much of the time when Niamh was at work. I stopped doing what normal people would do to make themselves happy. I stayed in bed and wouldnt eat and never spent any money on myself.

Once you start treating yourself like youre worthless, you start to think you are worth nothing and life can feel pretty pointless. Why get up if you have nothing, hate yourself and each day feels like a constant struggle? Its hard to describe how I felt, but each day was like a battle and I would hate waking up in the morning knowing I had to struggle through another day. I was lonely and inside I know Id given up hope of feeling happy again. I think Id forgotten what it felt like.