T HIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE WRITERS OF L ATE N IGHT WITH J IMMY F ALLON .
I T WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE WITHOUT YOU . W ELL, WITHOUT YOU AND MY FLAWLESS DELIVERY .
I may write the thank you notes, but thank you to the people who actually wrote them:
David Angelo
Alex Baze
Michael Blieden
Patrick Borelli
Gerard Bradford
Jeremy Bronson
Mike DiCenzo
Janine DiTullio
Ben Dougan
Wayne Federman
Anthony Jeselnik
Casey Jost
Eric Ledgin
Tim McAuliffe
A.D. Miles
Morgan Murphy
Amy Ozols
Bobby Patton
Gavin Purcell
Diallo Riddle
Jon Rineman
Bashir Salahuddin
Justin Shanes
Michael Shoemaker
Bobby Tisdale
Ali Waller
This book could not have been put together without the hard work of Kelly Powers, John MacDonald, Joel Knutson, Beth Rodgers, Edmond Hawkins, Lloyd Bishop, Brian McDonald, Risa Abrams, Erica Lancaster, Caroline Eppright, and Nick Caruso.
Thank you to the Late Night team for getting me through every day: Michael Shoemaker, Gavin Purcell, A.D. Miles, Hillary Hunn, Alice Michaels, and Katie Hockmeyer.
Thanks to Eric Kranzler, Simon Green, Jeff Jacobs, Peter Levine, Tom Rowan, and Ben Greenberg.
Thanks to everyone at NBC, especially Rick Ludwin, Nick Bernstein, Rebecca Marks, Marc Graboff, Amber James, Nate Kirtman, Kim Niemi, Drew Rowley, Steve Coulter, Ed Prince, Leslie Schwartz, Joni Camacho, Neysa Siefert, Scott Radloff, and Jessica Nubel.
Thanks to The Roots for everything and to James Poyser for his inspirational accompaniment.
Thank you to my wife Nancy and my parents, Jim and Gloria Fallon.
And finally, thank you thank you list at the beginning of this book for being longer than the actual book. What the hell is that about?
Thank you, reader, for buying this book. Because of you, I just made enough money to buy part of one beer. So in a way you, and a bunch of other readers, just bought me a beer. And when I drink that beer, I will stare into the glass and say a quiet thank you. Everyone else in the bar will wonder why Im talking to my drink, but so what? This is between you and me. Me thanking you for buying this book. Unless you got it as a gift. In which case, you should go find that person and thank him or her.
Now that everybodys good and thanked, go ahead and enjoy the book. I promise youll laugh. If you dont, then come find me at the bar. Ill buy you part of one beer.
the word moist, for being the worst word ever. I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we dont want you as a word anymore. God, I hate you.
Thank you
Taco Bell Chihuahua, for your many years of faithful service as a mildly offensive Mexican stereotype.
Thank you
tequila. You know why Oh, all right, Ill just say it. Thank you for making me puke up everything I ate the night before. I lost two pounds!
Thank you
Real Housewives of Atlanta, for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.
Thank you
ants around my kitchen sink, for allowing every day to start with murder. Every day you take the paper towel express to Toiletville, and yet more of you arrive the next morning. I dont get it, ants. But thank you.
Thank you
DVR remote control, for your incredibly confusing response time. I push rewind five times and nothing happens, so I push it again and suddenly Im all the way back to the beginning of the show, so I have to fast-forward again. Why wont you just work, DVR remote? Youre so confusing. Thank you.
Thank you
Dog Snuggie, for allowing us to embarrass animals in a way I never imagined possible. You did it. Thanks for that.
Thank you
slow-walking family walking in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace.
Thank you
preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.
Thank you
guy with the $10,000 sound system in his $800 car, for driving down Broadway this afternoon. Youre loud. Youre proud. Youre in a 91 Tercel. Thank you.
Thank you
guy at my dry cleaners, for charging me $11 to clean a dress shirt. It clearly doesnt cost that much, but you know Ill pay it anyway because Im not really sure what you do and how much it should cost. In fact, Im 99 percent sure that all you did was iron it and put a plastic sheet over it.
Thank you
fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.
Thank you
newly discovered virus linked to penile cancer, for making me say the words penile cancer. I dont think I have
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