Michael J. Fox - No Time Like the Future: An Optimist Considers Mortality

August 13, 2018, 6:30 a.m.

Im going down. Its a flash fall. Vertical to horizontal in a blink. I twist my head to save my face from collision with the kitchen tile. What the hell just happened? I rise up on my right elbow, expecting to shift my weight to the left and push up onto my feet. Surprise: I cant feel my left arm. As my shock subsides, its clear that I need help. Slithering forward on my belly toward the wall-mounted phone, I am a one-armed commando crawling under the table, across the floor, and through a thicket of chair legs, dragging a sandbag of a left arm that remains unresponsive and unavailable.

After thirty years of Parkinsons, I have established a sort of dtente with the disease. Weve had a history together. Ive long realized that control is out of the question; instead, Ive settled for an understanding that requires adaptability and resilience. PD is like the persistent and cutting jab of a boxer, manageable if Im willing to do a little feinting and weaving. But then came the check hook; the blow that put me on my knees for a while. Unrelated to PD, a tumor had been found high on my spinal cord. The mass was benign, but constricting, and well on its way to leaving me paralyzed. Menacing all on its own, the defect necessitated high-risk surgery, which was completed just four months prior to this moment on the kitchen floor. Through the crucible of recovery and rehabilitation, I have gone from wheelchair to walker to cane to, at last, walking. And then this happened.

The day before the accident, I flew back to Manhattan from Marthas Vineyard, in the middle of our summer vacation. Tracy was concerned about me staying in New York by myself. I was still what we would both describe as a little wobbly on my feet. But Id been asked to do a one-day cameo on a Spike Leeproduced movie, up in the Bronx, and it offered a brief window of independence. Ill be back in two days, I promised. Save me a lobster.

Schuyler, one of our twenty-five-year-old twin daughters, also needed to head back to the city for work, so we traveled home together. She lingered with me for dinner, take-out pasta at the kitchen table. Polishing off the last forkful, she had a question.

How do you feel about going back to work?

I dont know, I guess I feel normal again.

But are you nervous, Dood? All of my kids call me that. Not Dude, Dood.

I flashed a confident smile. Hey, its my job. Its what I do.

Sky offered to stay over in her old room, in case I needed her to fix breakfast in the morning or to help me get organized before leaving for the set. Skeeter, I love you. Ive done this a million times. You go back to your apartment, get some rest. Ill be fine.

Okay, she said, but promise me you wont

I finished her sentence walk with my cell phone.

She smiled. It was a gentle reprimand, and deserved. I am an expert at walking and chewing gum at the same time, but the consensus is that Im incapable of doing it safely with a phone in my hand. It wreaks havoc with my coordination.

You got it.

I hugged her good night and watched the elevator doors close. For the first time in months, I was alone.

Whatever it was that brought me down, it brought me down hard and in a hurry. I have fallen andlike that pitiable older woman splayed at the foot of the staircase, next to an upended laundry basketI cant get up. I have a theory about pain: If an injury hurts immediately, I know for sure its benign; but pain that intensifies after a few minutes is reporting real damage.

And now, here comes the pain.

A tiny transfer of weight to my left summons two revelations. One, a sleeve of hurt rockets down my useless arm; and two, I realize that my cell phone is in my pocket. I slipped it into the back of my sweatpants before I came into the kitchen. (Note to Schuyler: It wasnt in my hand). My first instinct is to call Tracy, but she is five hours away on Marthas Vineyard, and I dont want to freak her out. Instead, I call my assistant, Nina, who jumps in a taxi and is on her way within minutes.

Oddly, I think of Jimmy Cagney, of all people. He once sent me a note on the first day of a new movie. Be on time, know your lines, and dont bump into the furniture. This morning, I was on schedule and I knew my two pages of dialogue, but the third point was a colossal fail.

While I wait for Nina, I slump on the kitchen floor, pissed off, my misery multiplying exponentially. I try to make sense out of this shit-show, but none of my all-purpose bromides and affirmations serve the moment. There is no spinning this. Its just pain and regret. There is no finding the positive and moving on to the next circumstance life has to offer. I feel something beyond frustration and anger, something akin to shame: embarrassment. Every day since the spinal cord surgery in April, everyonedoctors, family members, and friendshave repeated this message to me over and over. You have one job: Dont fall. Yet here I am.

This incident on the kitchen floor brings me down in more ways than one. It isnt that I am hurt; Ive been hurt many times. Ive been through a lot, suffered the slings and arrows. But for some reason, this just feels personal.

Make lemons into lemonade? Screw itIm out of the lemonade business.