Claudia Oshry - Girl With No Job: The Crazy Beautiful Life of an Instagram Thirst Monster

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First Gallery Books hardcover edition January 2021

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Interior design by Michelle Marchese

Jacket design by John Vairo Jr.

Jacket photographs by Chad Griffith

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Oshry, Claudia, 1994 author.

Title: Girl with no job / by Claudia Oshry.

Description: First Gallery Books hardcover edition. | New York : Gallery Books, 2021. |

Identifiers: LCCN 2020029830 (print) | LCCN 2020029831 (ebook) | ISBN 9781982142865 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982142872 (paperback) | ISBN 9781982142889 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Oshry, Claudia, 1994 | Internet personalitiesUnited StatesBiography. | Girl with no job (Electronic resource)Biography. | Conduct of lifeHumor.

Classification: LCC PN1992.9236.O74 A3 2020 (print) | LCC PN1992.9236.O74 (ebook) | DDC 792.7/6028092 [B]dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020029830

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020029831

ISBN 978-1-9821-4286-5

ISBN 978-1-9821-4288-9 (ebook)

To my family, thanks for dealing with me. Id be nothing without you.

In memory of my dad, Michael Oshry. I love and miss you. I hate you for dying.

W hen I get out of bed in the morning, albeit slowly and regretfully, I get out with one goal. Yup, just one. I prefer not to set unrealistic goals for myself. That one goal is just to make people smile. It sounds incredibly corny and cringey but its true. Even if its for one second while their coworker is shaming them on a company-wide email or when their roommate ate the leftovers they were saving again. To me, that one smile makes a world of difference. Whether its from a silly meme that made you laugh for half a second or a sixty-minute podcast that made you forget about the fact that your boss hates you. If, because of me, you forgot about how hard life is, even for a second, then I did my job.

If Ive learned anything during my twenty-six long years on this earth, its that being alive is extremely difficult. I dont like to take myself too seriously. I realize that I am not exactly performing lifesaving work on a daily basis. I am no Dr. Drake Ramoray. But when I lay my head down on my pillow at night, I like to think that I am leaving the world slightly brighter than when the day started. I genuinely want to be a positive force in this sometimes-dark world. Everything I dofrom my Instagram (@GirlWithNoJob), to my podcast (The Morning Toast), to my comedyis all about bringing bursts of Taylor Swiftflavored joy into the world. Thats what I want for this book, too.

Over the course of the last seven years, Girl With No Job started as an online diary and turned into something I never expected it to bea career. I like to fancy myself the modern-day Bridget Jones, except Im chubbier; I drink tequila, not chardonnay; and I would never ever be attracted to Colin Firth. So, essentially, Im nothing like Bridget Joneswe just both had diaries at one point.

Just like Bridget, I find myself prone to self-reflection as well as self-deprecation. This book has given me the opportunity to do both. I gathered my best stories and thought about the tough lessons learned. I found the writing process to be challenging, in the sense that I was forced to look at my life as a whole, not just the highlights. I found myself digging into feelings and experiences I hadnt thought about in years. Memories I had intentionally suppressed were coming back to the surface as I began to dig. I had to take a look at my entire life, which unfortunately includes some embarrassing parts. I pretend like I dont, but I care a lot about what people think of me. Part of me was hesitant to write about certain parts of my life in this book for fear of judgment or ridicule, but I have always been honest and transparent with my followers, and this book is no exception.

From launching my first morning show with Verizon, The Morning Breath, at age twenty-two, to an epic cancellation when some old (and extremely stupid) tweets resurfaced, to then creating The Morning Toast and subsequently the Toast News Network and launching a successful national comedy tourthis journey has been exciting, challenging, and fulfilling in many ways.

Over the last year, my ass cheeks became one with my couch as I sat for hours contemplating my life experiences and the choices Ive made over the years. I must warn you, though. I wrote the entirety of this book while under quarantine during COVID-19, so I apologize in advance if I come off a little cynical. I am merely a victim of circumstance.

Writing a book can really inflate ones ego, as if I needed any help in that department. Picturing the crowds of devoted fans waiting in line to get their hands on the juicy pages of my book has been one of the biggest fantasies of my life. Who knows if thatll actually happen, but a girl can dream. Im nothing if not delusional.

I guess you could say that delusions of grandeur are my superpower. Delusions that I belong on red carpets among the very people whom I have admired and followed for years. Delusions that I will one day waddle out to a sold-out Madison Square Garden crowd. But you know what? That deluded sense of importance and ability has allowed me to accomplish more and put myself out there in ways I never imagined. So, I encourage everyone to believe in themselves in the delusional way that I do. Put yourself out there in ways youve never imagined. Life is full of highs and earth-shattering lows. Its hard not to get caught up in and torn down by all the negativity. But what if, through your own fantastical delusions, you were able to withstand the negativity and continue to grow, to learn, and to put yourself out there? I think you should all believe in yourselves to the point of taking chances and never accepting a slammed door. You should never be too proud or too dismissive to own up to your mistakes. Youll be better off for it, I assure you. So if thats what you take away from this book, I will consider it a success.

What I also want you to take away from this book is a better understanding of who I really am, because in a lot of ways, I feel very misunderstood. I want the world to get to know me a little bit better and to see the unbelievable stuff that has happened to me that made me into the disgraced queen that I am today. This book is a celebration for my followers