Kristie Tobias - Fearlessly Made You

When I started writing this book, one of the first things I was asked was, Whom do you see out there that does what you want to do? I remember thinking of a few authors who have great fame or even a phenomenal message. I didnt see many authors, though, who reminded me of me. The closest I could find was Michelle Obama, and though were both black women who have muscular arms and enjoy a glass or two of wine, thats about where the compar ison ends.

I know we all have a story to tell, no matter where we are in our lives. That story is hard to understand if we cant find at least one person who can not only relate to that story but also show us what it looks like to be on the other side of that story. There are stories that lift us up and bring us life, and there are stories that cause us stress, trauma, and a desire to escape from our current life. Not only do I want to show you both through my story, I also want to show you how to own your story. You may not have control over everything that happens in your life, but you can take control of how you respond, and you can thrive through even the most difficult situations. My commitment to you, the reader, is to transparently share the honest and authentic truth of who I am with the hope that you will see your stor y in mine.

I grew up the oldest of four in a God-fearing, high-achieving black Jamaican American middle-class family. To answer the question that undoubtedly came to mind when you saw the word Jamaican , yes, we grew up with delicious jerk chicken, plantains, and rice and peas (not to be confused with rice and beans; dont ever call it rice and beans in a Jamaican homeyou will never be asked back!). We also ate a lot of homemade macaroni and cheese, Hamburger Helper, McDonalds, and the occasional frie d chicken.

We ate all of these things not just because we were black American or Jamaican but because my family loves to eat and loves to invite people over to eat with us. Our house was a revolving door of strangers who had no place to go, colleagues of my parents, friends who had amazing home lives, and friends who were going through terrible heartache at home. My siblings and I all played sports growing up, and with every sport came a new group of friends and families that were invited to our home. We were taught that everyone has something going on in their lives, and everyone deserves to have someone to be there for them. I grew up understanding the importance of opening your home and your life to those a round you.

My parents met and married before I was ever a thought and have been together for better or for worse for almost forty years. We have endured the excitement of a new baby; the loss of an unborn child; the thrill of new birthdays; the heartache of losing yet another young soul; the simplicity of a homemade family dinner; the chaos of misplaced anger, punched walls, and misspoken words; the exhilaration of graduation and new beginnings; and the distress of brokenness from violated trust. Through it all, I still firmly believe every family is made stronger by its dy sfunction.

Living a perfectly imperfect life is our calling. There is nothing about my life that has turned out how I planned. Michael B. Jordan is still not my husband, and Channing Tatum is still not the other man in my life. Student loans still dominate my life, and there are days when I consider packaged ramen noodles with cut-up chicken and vegetables a delicacy. Some days I am grateful that my plans never came to fruition, and some nights I sit on my couch or in a dark corner with a bottle of wine and question my very existence.

Too many times, Ive heard people in a position of influence or leadership say a version of the same thing: This, too, shall pass. While I appreciate the optimism, I want to rip the Band-Aid right off of this complacent statement and infuse it with a little more reality. Instead of This, too, shall pass, how about, This sucks a lot, and I am allowed to feel upset about it, grieve about it, and even scream about it, but I cannot wallow in it for the rest of my life?

When I was twenty years old, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The diagnosis came after years of sexual, mental, and physical abuse from a man whom I thought I would someday marry. The concept of This, too, shall pass made me want to punch holes in every wall in every room. PTSD literally does not pass. It does not go away; it will always be a part of you. The same rings true for so many other disorders and diseases that, I am sure, many of you keep buried deep inside. There is no cure for these conditions, but there is a way to move forward without having them own every part of your life. It took me more than a decade to stop allowing my PTSD to sabotage my life, but within that decade, I learned a lot about what the mind, body, and spirit are capable of, both fantastically good and terrify ingly bad.

We all deserve to live a life that doesnt make us want to crawl into a hole, but sometimes it takes a little work to get there. Ive spent almost twenty years working my butt off to become one of the few minority women in a leadership position as a healthcare and business consultant. For the past six years, Ive spent almost 90 percent of my time traveling across the United States for work. In one week, I traveled from Florida to Ohio to Texas to Oregon to California to Georgia and back to Florida. I have accumulated fifty million SkyMiles and hotel pointsthis is totally an exaggeration, but it seems pretty accurate. Ive made friends with all the TSA agents within most major airports, and I am a pro at fitting anyones luggage into any overhead bin, no matter what size.

With all of my traveling and my focus on my professional growth, I have almost purposely put little effort into sustaining a viable, intimate relationship with a man. I am surrounded by great friends across the United States, and I will always find a way to grab a glass of wine with strangers or people I love at least two or three times each week. What I fail at is taking the time to invest in a relationship with a man-like person that could possibly lead to marriage with someone like Michael B. Jordan.

My all-time favorite question is, Are you married? immediately followed by Do you have kids? When I give a resounding NO to both questions, my favorite response comes next: Oh, its OK, dear; you have time. What does that meanYou have time? Am I rotting away one ovary at a time? That statement never ceases to baffle me. While I may not have chosen to be unmarried in my midthirties, I am also quite aware I would make a terrible wife right now. By the time you start reading this book, I could very well be in yet another relationship. Who knows? They happen so quickly I cant keep track. At this time in my life, I am too self-focused to commit myself to an intimate rel ationship.

Did you know it is OK to prioritize yourself over other people? I knowits shocking to me, too! Do I want to be married someday? Sure, that sounds great, but I also know marriage takes work. One of the most important things Ive learned in my life is its OK to be honest with yourself about how much work youre willing to put into somethingin my case, a relationship. If I know Im not willing to put in the work, then why set myself and my partner up for failure? The effort you put into an actionin my case, datingis equal to what you get out of it. The result: actively dating in my midthirties with some of the most, shall we say, interesting male candidates. My friends love living vicariously through my relationship stories because you just cant make this stuff up.