Heidi K. Brown - Untangling Fear in Lawyering: A Four-Step Journey Toward Powerful Advocacy

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Brown, Heidi K. (Heidi Kristin), 1970, author.

Title: Untangling fear in lawyering : a four-step journey toward powerful advocacy / by Heidi K. Brown.

Description: Chicago : American Bar Association, 2019. | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2019000996 (print) | LCCN 2019002384 (ebook) | ISBN 9781641053532 (ebook) | ISBN 9781641053525 (pbk.)

Subjects: LCSH: Practice of lawUnited States. | Attorney and clientUnited States. | LawyersUnited States. | FearUnited States.

Classification: LCC KF311 (ebook) | LCC KF311.B76 2019 (print) | DDC 340.023/73dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019000996

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Contents

Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been
willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones:
Freeing the Writer Within

Also by Heidi K. Brown

The Introverted Lawyer: A Seven-Step Journey Toward Authentically Empowered Advocacy

The Mindful Legal Writer: Mastering Predictive and Persuasive Writing

The Mindful Legal Writer: Mastering Predictive Writing

The Mindful Legal Writer: Mastering Persuasive Writing

Fundamentals of Federal Litigation

Preface

Today I sit down to start writing this book. Day one. Page one. Its my sixth book. By societys standards, Im officially a writer, an author. All the stars are aligned. I have a book contract. I mapped out a writing schedule: two hours every morning for the next 60 days to complete the manuscripts first draft. I have a chapter-by-chapter outline and 100 already-typed-up pages of research material. I slept pretty decently, for a change. My usual 3 a.m. insomnia granted me a night off. This morning, I awoke, retrieved my iPhone from the living room, slid back under my weighty Anthropologie blanket, tapped open my Insight Timer meditation app, slipped my headphones into my ears, closed my eyes, and listened as a female voice greeted me with a chirpy, Hi, beauty! before she guided a 12-minute meditation on clarity, motivation, and confidence. Afterward, while a pot of Trader Joes coffee percolated in the kitchen, I wrote three longhand stream-of-consciousness pages (a creativity ritual inspired by Julia Camerons book The Artists Way) in my journal, a new one I bought a few months ago at a museum next to the Duomo in Milan. It has a brown cover with the Italian word marrone stamped in lime green ink. Brown, like my last name. My apartment is quiet, except for the occasional Brooklyn honking horn. Ive allocated the next two hours to begin to write this book that Ive been thinking about for a year and living for, oh, approximately 27 years since the day I stepped onto the grounds of The University of Virginia School of Law as a 1 L law student.

The blank page on my laptop taunts me. I dare you to start. I divert for a moment to craft an indulgent, philosophical, self-motivational Instagram post for my @introvertedlawyer account about how Im commencing this new huge writing project and am hereby putting it out into the universe. I attach an empowering new author photo captured by my photographer friend Krista. In it, Im striking a Wonder Woman pose in a Denver alleyway flanked with artsy graffiti: hands on hips, the flaps of my favorite leather jacket resting atop a vintage David Bowie T-shirt. An attempt to exude fearless writer vibe. Right now, in my apartment, staring at a blinking cursor, I hesitate. How am I going to do this? What if I dont have enough to say? What if people think its ridiculous? On cue, an Instagram meme pops into my feed: Its better to create something that others criticize than to create nothing and criticize others.

Just write it. Write about fear.

What exactly is fear? Before we embark on this quest to define it for ourselves in the context of the legal profession, lets start with a few official dictionary definitions:

An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

An unpleasant or strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.

A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

A feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events.

Profound reverence and awe.

This last one is interesting. Reverence and awe. Reminds me of a sense of wonder. Quite different from danger and threats.

I was pretty fearful for the bulk of my life. In high school, I was an A student, yet I feared failing. I feared criticismof my developing interests in and opinions about politics, religion, music, culturefrom my devoutly religious parents and grandparents. I feared the feeling of exclusion from the cool kids. Transitioning to college, I feared rejection, abandonment, and loss as I stepped into new relationship territory. Entering law school as a nave 21-year-old, I feared being cold-called by my intimidating law professors. I feared turning red and breaking out in blotchy hives when I got nervous speaking in class or performing mock oral arguments. After I survived three years of law school, passed the bar exam, and started a prestigious high-paying new job as an associate in a boutique construction litigation firm in the Washington, DC, metropolitan area, I feared making a mistake. I feared looking stupid. I feared not knowing or finding the answer. While I loved legal research and writing, and thrived in those roles, I feared taking depositions, going to court, and fighting with opposing counsel. Yet, I forced myself to do all these things. I absorbed and epitomized the mantras: Just do it! Face your fears! Fake it till you make it! I navigated many of these life and legal experiences successfully (by external standards), but I was anxious, depressed, and profoundly lonely much of the timefor nearly