Carolyn Klassen - Hell No to Hmmm Maybe: Considering counseling? Making an informed and thoughtful decision

Hell no to Hmmm Maybe

Considering counseling?

Making an informed and thoughtful decision

By Carolyn Klassen

Hell No to Hmmm Maybe

Considering counseling? Making an informed and thoughtful decision

By Carolyn Klassen

Published by Carolyn Klassen, Winnipeg, Manitoba

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations without prior permission from the author, except as permitted by copyright law. For permissions contact:

Please note that this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external website which cannot be verified for accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication.

Note: This book is for informational purposes only and does not provide professional advice. It is not intended to replace the professional services of a therapist.

ISBN: 978-1-7751751-8-6 ebook

To the wise souls who showed up for therapy. You who taught me that even when it feels brutal to walk through the counseling door, you could courageously do it anyway. Your insights have taught me so much.

And to Mary who, over the years, has drunk gallons of coffee with me every Thursday morning. Our little table is a sacred space of deep belonging for me. You have loved me, challenged me, and laughed with me. You are inspire me. I am a better version of me because of Thursdays with Mary

Hell No to Hmmm Maybe

Considering counseling? Making an informed and thoughtful decision

You have a supportive community around you

Section I

1 Who this book is meant for

Y ou may not need to read this whole book. You have some concerns and so youre wondering if you should go to therapy. Youre curious to see if this book can address the internal barriers that interfere with making an appointment for therapy. Someone who cares about you wants you to go for counseling and you simply have never thought therapy would be for you.

Look at the table of contents and check out the chapter titles that resonate with you. This is one of those books, where Im hoping that even reading 4 or 5 pages makes it worthwhile. For some of you, buying this book to study a single chapter might be worth it. It could change your life. If it does, write me to let me knowIll read it and get back to you. I promise.

Read just what is relevant.

Maybe someone handed you this book to say, I think you should go for therapy, and I know you will hate the idea so here is a book to prove you are wrong.

Thats harsh.

Its difficult for anyone to have someone that cares about you tell you that you need help.

That probably stung a little.

Or a lot .

The temptation is to feel offended. You might even feel the hurt of feeling judgedif you can get past the irritation of being ticked off.

If someone handed you this book, and it carries with it an implied or explicit message that you should be in therapy, you will probably hate reading it.

No one enjoys being told what to do. I feel for you.

It will be offensive if someone gave you this book as a strong hint, or maybe even as part of an ultimatum: Read this or else! The natural reactions of resentment, anger, frustration, or distrust are real. And they arent comfortable.

But what ifjust, what ifsomeone gave you this book because they care so much about you, they are willing to annoy you? Because they want you to get help even more than they want to be liked by you.

You know that, deep inside every one of us, there is a profound longing to be liked. It is no different for the person who gave you this book. That person didnt get up this morning asking: What can I do today to get you furious with me? I suspect they may have given it a sober second thought as they analyzed the pros and cons of getting this book to give to you. They weighed the risks.

The person who gave you this book knew you might pull away, and yet they gave you this book because they feel that the possible payoff could be worth it.

Receiving and reading this book may be a softening into the fact that they care about you. They care so much about you they went out of their way to find this book, buy this book, and then risked your anger to give it to you.

What if that person who gave you this book has a perspective that you cant possibly have, and because of their different viewpoint, has an ability to recognize something you cant know?

Perhaps this book from a treasured person in your life actually says this, in code: I love you and I care about you and I want better for you, in paper form? You may not agree with the thinking behind the giving, but maybe you can still feel the love?

If youre willing to consider that this book is in your hands because someone cares enough about you to invest in the relationship, maybe youll respond to that expression of care by reading even a chapter or two.

Perhaps you picked up this book because you realize while you dont want to go to counseling, there is this little niggling feeling that maybe, just maybe , it could help. Maybe you picked it up because you are managingbut your world seems more work than it should have to be. Perhaps youd like to be closer to loved ones but cant work out how to pull it off. Or maybe youre annoying people and you cant figure out how to stop pushing away those you care about. Maybe youre just feeling stuck. What you had planned didnt happenand now you dont know where to go next.

It is possible the burden of those anxious feelings or the heavy dread of depression has just become too much. It is possible the meds arent doing what theyre supposed to do. Now the doctor has suggested therapy and you dont know if it is right for you.

The panic attacks are too much. The triggers stir up feelings that are too powerful. The leaden feeling is making getting out of bed too hard. The joy is gone, the patience is short, and the anger an all too ready sledgehammer to push people away.

You cant imagine that therapy will do any good, but whats happening right now isnt so effective either.

The barriers inside of you persist in making the task insurmountable. But there is this little piece inside that is aware there could be more. That inner Yoda knows that talking through something that you might never have whispered aloud would be a release for you. You would have let go of a tremendous burden that you didnt know was so heavy until it was gone.

There is a little part inside you that dares to question the North American message that says, I can do it all by myself. Because, sometimes, when you are honest with yourself, you admit that doing it on your own hasnt been all that successful.

Do you, somewhere silent deep inside, have a part that just doesnt want to do this all alone anymore?

Im wondering if youll consider reading just a chapter or two, the ones that feel like they might be most relevant.

Maybe your partner has said: We go to couples therapy, or were done.

Now, thats a kick in the gut, isnt it?

Its difficult to do something that youve seen no value in, especially with a gun to your head. I call the one giving the ultimatum the dragger one spouse drags the other to therapy. The spouse, by default, is the draggee .

Being the draggee in therapy feels awful . It just does.

Trust me, its no picnic for the therapist either .

You are concerned about being blamed, for being labelled as a bad spouse. Well, it wouldnt feel fair, would it? And being blamed and labelled certainly would not help anyone understand who you are underneath all the stuff your spouse complains about. Its likely that your spouse has been suggesting therapy off and on for years, and youve always put it off. Not now, or I dont feel like it, or Its not that bad. Lets just try harder.