Harvard Business Review - Mindful Listening

C hances are you think youre a good listener. Peoples appraisal of their listening ability is much like their assessment of their driving skills, in that the great bulk of adults think theyre above average.

In our experience, most people think good listening comes down to doing three things:

• Not talking when others are speaking
• Letting others know youre listening through facial expressions and verbal sounds (mm-hmm)
• Being able to repeat what others have said, practically word-for-word

In fact, much management advice on listening suggests doing these very things: encouraging listeners to remain quiet, nod and mm-hmm encouragingly, and then repeat back to the talker something like, So, let me make sure I understand. What youre saying is... However, recent research that we conducted suggests that these behaviors fall far short of describing good listening skills.

We analyzed data describing the behavior of 3,492 participants in a development program designed to help managers become better coaches. As part of this program, managers coaching skills were assessed by others in 360-degree assessments. We identified those who were perceived as being the most effective listeners (the top 5%). We then compared the best listeners to the average of all other people in the data set and identified the 20 items that showed the largest significant difference. With those results in hand we identified the differences between great and average listeners and analyzed the data to determine what characteristics their colleagues identified as the behaviors that made them outstanding listeners.

We found some surprising conclusions, along with some qualities we expected to hear. We grouped them into four main findings:

• Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks. To the contrary, people perceive the best listeners to be those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight. These questions gently challenge old assumptions but do so in a constructive way. Sitting there silently nodding does not provide sure evidence that a person is listening, but asking a good question tells the speaker the listener has not only heard what was said but that they comprehended it well enough to want additional information. Good listening was consistently seen as a two-way dialogue, rather than a one-way speaker versus hearer interaction. The best conversations were active.
• Good listening includes interactions that build a persons self-esteem. The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party; that doesnt happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical). Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly.
• Good listening is seen as a cooperative conversation. In these interactions, feedback flowed smoothly in both directions with neither party becoming defensive about comments the other made. By contrast, poor listeners were seen as competitiveas listening only to identify errors in reasoning or logic, using their silence as a chance to prepare their next response. That might make you an excellent debater, but it doesnt make you a good listener. Good listeners may challenge assumptions and disagree, but the person being listened to feels the listener is trying to help, not trying to win an argument.