Table of Contents
In memory of my father, Hyman Eaker: The Best, who taught me you can always make more money; relationships come first. Youve got to know when to hold em and know when to fold em.
To my husband, Dr. Jeffrey M. Weil, who I treasure and cherish for all you have given and continue to give and teach me. Im so lucky I found you.
In memory of Thomas F. Fogarty, M.D., my mentor, friend, and guiding light, and the originator of the pursuer/distancer theory, whose wisdom has guided me, my parents, my brother, my husband, and my patients. The only need in life is connectedness.
And to my patients, whose courage in facing the infidelity and financial infidelity in their lives and relationships inspired me to begin this journey to light the way!
No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Freidrich Nietschze
There have been many terrible worries in my life but most of them never happened. So too with money.
Arianna Huffington paraphrasing Michel de Montaigne
FOREWORD
Betrayed! A word that strikes horror in the breast of humankind. We dont see ourselves as financial infidels! But are we? We dont see our partner or future partner as a person with the capacity to be financially faithless. But are they? Maybe we really are selfish. Perhaps we shouldnt feel betrayed if he looks at the top-of-the-line new cars after telling me to forget replacing the kitchen countertops. Right? So what if we soothe ourselves on snack food when she returns home with shopping bags akimbo. Its better than more of the same argument. Right?
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author and muse of Financial Infidelity, has written an outrageous, courageous, and mind-blowing book that peels away the innocence that blinds us to our own and our partners acts of financial infidelity. She invites us to peek through the places in our soul that are empty, frightened, and lonely, even as we relentlessly, endlessly stuff those places with things money can buy. Even when we end up no fuller than before. We will control, placate, abandon, shut out, lie, cheat, steal, deny, hide, and flee in order to feel satiated. We will do this to our partner. Especially our partner.
We dont see ourselves as financially unfaithful. Yet financial infidelity is the money we hide when we cant find our partners heart. It describes those acts we perform daily so as not to repeat our parents financial history. Or to replicate their financial history exactly. It is the money we hold on to so that we can feel safe, even if weve never felt safe in our lives. Financial infidelity occurs when we repeatedly ask our partner for an accounting or when we never ask where the money goes. Its there when we keep silent because theyll just be silent too, and what does that accomplish? It shows up when we fear being left and we have no choice but to buy what we can now, before were forced to move to a smaller apartment, downsize to a skimpier wardrobe, trade in for a cheaper car, or feel relegated to a home coloring kit for our hair. It shows up when we feel controlled, when we feel speechless, when we want our partners unavailable love, when we need to feel as happy as the people down the street who did buy that expensive car. Its the stuff we buy him when we need his comfort. Its the credit cards we ramp up, the land we buy in our name only, the new dress we stuff into the back of the closet and then insist weve had it for years. It is the way to dull the ache when we cant have what we really want.
When did things get this bad? Remember how great things were in the beginning? Perhaps he told you he would always take care of you. He meant it, at the time. She said she would never give you reason to doubt her. She meant it, at the time. At the time, we really could be honest about everything. We never felt so understood. At the time, I ached when he ached, laughed when he laughed, desired what he desired. At the time, we were the people we always knew we could be. We were the best. We want those good days back; we want those carefree laughs back even if we have to betray him to get them.
Eaker Weil explains why that kind of blind romantic love cant last. In the beginning, our brains flood us with the chemicals of desire. As long as we were under the influence, we saw each other through rose-colored glasses. We each felt as if we were the best we had ever been. If, for a moment, we saw a glimpse of less than the best, we minimized it, trivialized it, forgot it, excused it, gave it a positive spin, decided we could change it, or blamed ourselves for making something big out of something so small. The first time my fianc, Mark, and I went to the movies, he presented his great idea: Lets make our popcorn at home. Its cheaper than buying it at the theater. Great idea, I replied, overlooking the twist in my belly. The first time it snowed, Mark arrived wearing a coat so large he looked dwarfed. Its my big brothers, he crowed. Isnt it greathe gave it to me. Now I dont have to buy one. A smile strained through my grimace. Great, I said, and I thought to myself that I would replace it with a luxurious, hand-tailored one as soon as we married. Whats the problem? I reassured myself. Ill buy it as a wedding present. She loves me, he reassured himself. Shes thrilled I have my brothers warm coat.
Eventually, the chemicals wear off and the differences between us pile up. He sees my spending as frivolous; I see his scrimping as choosing money over my emotional well-being. Our worlds become awash in our differences. Our trust in each other frays at the seams. Financial Infidelity is about the inevitable power struggle we will have over money and the way out of that struggle toward reclaiming the trust and safety we once had for the asking.
Eaker Weil takes you step by amazing step through the language of the Smart Heart Dialogue (a derivative of the Imago Dialogue, developed by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, founders of the Imago Relationship Theory and Therapy). The Smart Heart dialogue is the way out of the struggle. Eaker Weils remarkable contribution includesbringing the highly charged area of money into the dialogue, providing a structure for speaking and listening that keeps both people safe and connected. She teaches you the language itself that ends the infidelities and restores us to our passionate, enlivened selves. The language she models is the Language of Attachment. We learn the words that stop the wounding, the deceit, and the hiding. She teaches us the language that restores our mutuality, empathy, and clarity. Once learned, this language will open the floodgates to financial and emotional healing, and growth, and freedom.
You have a right to know why I think this book is different from every book Ive ever read on financial success. Within these pages, you will discover that money is a metaphor for emotional hunger. Whether were spending too much money or wrapping our lives around the money we save, we wither in a relationship that struggles over money when what we need is love. Financial infidelity is what we do when we cant find the love and intimacy we crave. We think well be happy when weve paid off the mortgage, even though the mortgage never made up for the lack of love. Money never looked like love, smelled like love, or touched us like a lover. Financial Infidelity is what we do to survive, not thrive.
