Kathy Bertone - The Art of the Visit: Being the Perfect Host/Becoming the Perfect Guest

2012 by Kathy Bertone

Cover and part opener illustrations Shutterstock

Chapter opener illustrations 2012 by Macrina Busato

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2012934285

E-book ISBN 978-07624-4493-9

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Book design by Amanda Richmond

Typography: Lomba, Gotham, and Samantha Script

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This book is dedicated to

MY HUSBAND CHET OBIELESKI,

WHO MAKES MY LIFE BETTER BECAUSE HE IS.

I WISH TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO MY FAMILY: MY FATHER , Richard, and my mother, Beverly, who taught me that good manners are best expressed by how you treat others; and to my brothers, Peter and Kurt, their wives, Joyce and Laurence, respectively, and their children, my nieces and nephews Bertone: Katherine, Cristina, Alexander, Kurt, Peter, and Zo.

And to my dear friends: Meile Rockefeller, who, after seeing the outline assured me how valid and needed the book was and advised me to make it lighthearted and entertaining. I tried, Meile.

Karen Knab, whose contributions and continual support, through all the emotional ups and downs, were invaluable as always.

Karen Harper, best-selling author with over fifty books to her credit, who out of unselfish kindness gave encouragement when needed the most.

Jeannie and David Zook, who always had a house available to which I could go and write.

Maryann Jones, charming person and hostess after my own heart.

Thomas Troost, friend without whom I could only write.

John Douglas, editor, who gave an unknown writer her first column.

Thanks to new friends and family for whom I am so grateful: Debby and Joseph Sellitto; Pierrette DeCinti; Courtney Harden; George and Mena Gerstein; Susan Inscoe; Jennifer Burke; Christine Watts; Tammy Chase; and Madeleine Abissidan.

And my mother-in-law, Regina Obieleski, who is missed everyday.

And finally, several extraordinary people: Diane OConnell, first editor, who expertly knew what to do with the manuscript and the nervous author; Geoffrey Stone, editor at Running Press, who encompasses all the qualities of a true gentleman and a great editor: style, ability, and kindness; production editor Cisca Schreefel; and copyeditor Martha Whitt, ladies and professionals both.

My brilliant literary agent, Deborah Ritchken, who said, I get it and then quickly and efficiently found it a home. Without her I would not have the honor of thanking anyone.

And because I run the risk of never being invited to anyones home ever again I want to thank my future hosts in advance for their understanding of my intent in writing this book. You should have seen it before I was encouraged to lighten it up.

And to you, hosts and guests everywhere, who, like me, wish to make time together with loved ones the best it can possibly be. I hope you enjoy this book. I loved writing it.

D ONT WE ALL SECRETLY WISH FOR A CURRIER & IVESLIKE world where our homes are warm and peaceful and the people in them courteous, compassionate, loving, and happy? Although not often possible, we can, and should, try to give our guests an environment as close to that idyllic vision as possible.

E. B. White said, I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. If you substitute my guests for the world you have a good idea of the reality of hosting friends and family for an extended period of time. It is a tough job and a significant investment of time and effort.

If you are looking for the Two-Minute-Guide-to-Good-Hosting, you will not find it here. I just dont think anything done in that amount of time can be any good. Not cooking, not sex, not hosting. It took God six days to create the world and then there was the needed rest. It may take more than two minutes to prepare your home or plan meals for your guests.

The best times in our lives should be the time we spend with the people we love, but I know it often doesnt go smoothly. No matter how much we love our friends and family, even the thought of the upcoming invasion can sometimes leave us breathless. That need not be the case. The tips and suggestions included in these chapters will make you prepared, ready, and therefore relaxed and able to truly enjoy your guests, whether they are arriving alone, or with children, grandparents, or pets. So take a deep breath and know you are not alone. These chapters will help ease the anxiety of any upcoming visit whether you are having guests to your home for the first time or the five hundredth.

I KNOW MANY OF YOU STRUGGLE WHEN GOING TO A FRIEND or family members home as a houseguest for any length of time. Ive heard the stories and felt the frustration. You are uncomfortable either because you are unsure of what to do and how to do it, or, just as important, what not to do. Or it may simply be that you dont like or are uncomfortable with the people you are going to visit. That doesnt make you (or them) a bad person. I was the same way at one time. That is no longer the case.or

There are a few of you who are completely confident, your love for all your friends and family reciprocated in spades, you are the perfect guest and all your visits go swimmingly. Right.

As I am writing this introduction, I am watching with awe and respect the patience of a twenty-something-year-old mother as her baby throws his bottle on the floor for the fourth time. I wonder about her fears and concerns as she prepares to visit her in-laws or grandparents.

I overheard a conversation between four women as they discussed a friend who can no longer get around easily but is flying from Boston to California to visit her daughter and to see her first grandson. I know there will be issues both she and her daughter will face and I hope they both find information in these pages that will be helpful.

No human can be the perfect guest for any significant length of time, but we can try to get as close to perfection as much of the time as hosts, pets, or children will allow. Some will say, Stop trying to obtain perfection! But I say, why not at least strive for it? We will never reach it, of course, but trying will make our time with friends and family better, and thats what we really want because its them we really care about.