Jennifer L. Shawne - Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life Without Kids

MANY PARENTS AND UNPARENTS contributed to the content of this book. Although there is not room to thank everyone, I would like to acknowledge Jeffrey and Cathleen Chua Schulte, who make parenting seem almost (dare I say it?) enjoyable; Colin Berry and Blaed Kristin Spence, who know what theyre here on earth for and raising babies isnt it; Eric Salmon and Amy Cool Aunt Chapman, residents of one of the least childproofed homes in the world, as the death of beloved Mr. Pinchy proved; Robin they kinda look like aliens Goddard for her friendship and moral support; dog-baby comparison experts and comic geniuses Stephan Cox and Lori Culwell; the lovely Rosemary Pepper for kindly alerting me to important childfree developments in the news; Brian Misso and Ken Swyt, neither of whom will ever be a protagonist in My Two Daddies; Alison Bing, for listening; Marco Flavio Marinucci, for keeping me well fed; and photographer Julian Cash for capturing my playful side.

EVERYONE AT CHRONICLE BOOKS has been incredibly supportive and helpful throughout this process. Special thanks to my editor, Mikyla Bruder, for making this a truly rewarding collaborative effort. This book is much better for her ideas and insights. My appreciation also goes out to Leslie Davisson for her hard work and enthusiasm throughout this project.

SPECIAL THANKS TO MY HUSBAND, ALAN, for putting up with my frequent waffling and freaking out on the subject of procreation. Kudos to our small multitude of nephews and niecesC.J., Sam, Grace, Kate, Jack, Sophie, and Anna (phew!)who make being Cool Aunt and Uncle so much fun, and to our parents Will, Kathy, and Sandy, for not pressuring us to supply them with grandchildren.

Congratulations are in order!

THE DECISION not to have children is never an easy one, but now that youve made it, feel free to commence celebrating. Because while new parents happiest day may be the day their child was born, for you its the day your child isnt born.

HEY, THATS EVERY DAY!

SO, CONGRATULATIONS! Welcome to the club! This book will guide you through what to expect when youre not expectingfrom confirming your childfree status and communicating the big news, to the many lifestyle and career benefits your unencumbered state confers. Youll find practical advice on making the most of life in their world, appropriate ways to deal with OPCs (Other Peoples Children), even nonreproductive means of passing along your DNA. Helpful tips and ideas cover a wide range of hot unparenting topics, including how to convince your baby-lovin mate that threes a crowd, adopt a delightful child substitute, and ditch pals who turn into scary Zombie Parents. All of this is served with a generous helping of fun. After all, what could be more enjoyable than waking up late on a Saturday morning and realizing youve got nothing to do and nobody to look after other than your sassy little self? Nothing. Thats what.

YEAH, THERES SOME making fun of babies and parents in this book, too. Theyre such easy targets, who could resist? What you wont find, though, is any mean-spiritedness. Without kids screaming in their ears all day and emptying their wallets, childfree folks really have very little to be nasty about.

SO, ARE YOU READY to start making the most of life without baby? What are you waiting for? Turn the page!

Were so happy for us!

CHOOSING NOT TO have children is one of the most important and exciting choices you will make in life, and its certainly one youll want to share with the people closest to you once the decision is final. In most cases, your announcement will be greeted with squeals of delight, tears of joy, and congratulatory champagne toasts. Alas, a handful of people may cling to the outdated notion that having kids is right and good, while not having them is flat-out freaky.

IF YOU DONT WANT to let a few misguided fuddy-duddies spoil your happiness, youre going to have to embrace your childfree persona. Come out with a shout, not a whisper. You have a lot to celebrate! By saying no to offspring, you are saying yes to living your own life to the fullest. And youre in good company, as the list of childfree heroes in this chapter proves. Like Oprah and Dr. Seuss, your sunny outlook is sure to impress even the biggest skeptics. Who knows? You may become the inspiration for a whole generation of unparents!

Once youve told people that youre not having children, it can be awkward and embarrassing to change your mind, so youll want to be absolutely sure of your choice before sharing the happy news. This quiz is designed to help you determine whether you should tell the world or keep it secret for a little while longer. The good news is theres no rush. In fact, taking your time say three monthswill help you solidify your decision and spare you a humiliating about-face later on.

Your tubes are:

A) Tied.

B) Retired.

C) Flowing with fertility.

How long have you known you didnt want to have children?

A) Since I was a zygote.

B) Since last week, when that screaming sprog in the supermarket bit my leg.

C) Its not that I dont want to have children

Have you ever forgotten to use birth control?

A) Never! What a ridiculous question!

B) Yes, the scariest day of my life.

C) Oops, I did it again.

Your co-worker wheels his darling little whippersnapper into the office. Where are you?

A) Cowering under your desk. Wont somebody please make it stop?

B) Headphones on, volume up, eyes tightly affixed to the monitor.

C) Cooing in a clump with the rest of the baby-lovers.

If you were to tell your closest gal pal, Im having a baby! how might she respond?

A) Five minutes later, she might be able to stop laughing.

B) What, have you lost your mind?

C) One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble!

How many doors does your car have?

A) Car? What is car?

B) 25

C) 6+

What would it take to childproof your home?

A) A tornado, for starters.

B) A crackerjack team of experts.

C) Foam padding on a few sharp edges, et voil!

In your daydreams about having a child (however rare), to which of the following is your progeny most similar?

A) Rosemarys baby

B) Urkel

C) Mini-Me

Are you currently raising a dog or other child substitute? (For examples, see pages 12429.)

A) No way! Dogs are almost as much work as kids.

B) No, but Id like to someday. A friendly pup is a perfectly good alternative to a baby.

C) Yes, and Id love to have more. Im a born nurturer.

SCORING: Give yourself one point for every A answer, two points for every B answer, and three points for every C answer. Write your total here. __________ Now complete the following section.