Joel Goldstein - No Stone Unturned: A Fathers Memoir of His Sons Encounter with Traumatic Brain Injury

Without everyday heroes, there would be no book, no comeback to celebrate. Jeff Salt, first on hand, and the rest of the New Paltz Rescue Squad rapidly stabilized Bart, calling for a helicopter to Westchester Med, where Dr. David Harter and his neurosurgery team operated without parental consent, do-or-die. Nurses in the PICU and NICU and chaplains Rosemary Parandelis and Anne Gentile kept Bart alive after all-night surgery. Later at Helen Hayes Hospital, the fourth-floor crewnurses, aides, and therapistsworked doggedly, lovingly, to bring him through the early stages of coma emergence, teaching him to talk and take those first trembling steps.

Other health professionals deserve special mention: Dr. Scott Groudine, Dr. Michael Compain, Dr. Scott Marsel, Dr. Nicholas Mezitis, Gail and Ricky Kriesberg, Leslie Callis, Mary Ellen Zacharov and Joanie Arbusto, Josephine Todaro, Melinda Pearson, Tim Hickman, Ralph LaCasio, Dr. Ingrid Duerme, and Dr. Louis Calabro.

The love of close friends Marlene and John Kennedy, for all purposes Barts aunt and uncle, made retuning home more bearable. The good counsel of Jan and Dan Stivers helped ease Bart back into school. Our Mujigae familys prayers and acts of love were godsends. Special thanks to Ashlee Danford, Kaili Stanley, Dr. James Chang and Jane Chang, Paula Nowak, David Quinn, Tamis Groft, and Heather Murphy. Parsons Child & Family Center director and long-time Mujigae booster, Raymond Schimmer, was ever a staunch friend.

My employers at Cambridge Corporate Services, John Dockery and David Blaum, were supportive, patient, and helpful. With bosses like them, the world would suffer far less quiet desperation. Others did their partLou and Lisa Badalato, Arlene Siev, Cheryl Storm, Elias and Elise Zappas, the Koutopoulos family, Joe Vacarro, Marianne Drussano, Jane Derenowski of NBC, Elias Neofytides, my sisters Judi Marsel, Cathy Buckwalter, Candace Groudine, and Gloria Shepherd and brothers Mel Marsel and David Goldstein. Special thanks to Fr. Rick Curry, SJ, for prayers, inspiration, and practical help.

New Paltz High School was the stage upon which much of Barts struggle played out. Heartfelt gratitude to Coaches Defino, Tegeler, Ciliberto, Matter, Phelps, Acosta, and Veder, as well as Mary Kay Fiore, Allan Podell, and the fine special ed staff, JR Ridgeway, Dave Moore, Pam the bus driver, Patti Matter, Maureen Zadrowski, Nurse Krivda, Serena Wunderlich, and the administration and staff.

Warm thanks to the staff of Maria College, Albany, folks with the courage of their convictions, especially Deb Corrigan, Sister Jean Roche, and Prof. Sandy Jung. Phoenix Hammond, Danielle Uccellini-Roadcap and the crew of University Heights, Rob Korotitsch, Mike Cognetti, Brian Roman and the staff of Living Resources, and Len Travaglione, Joan Gold and Sue Cavallaro of NPRS all took Bart under their wing. Countless others, most forever unknown, whove prayed for Barts recoverythank you all.

Without the invaluable contribution of Hilary Claggett, a senior editor at Potomac Books, there would be no book. Dr. Joel Fisher and Bill Kelly both made notable photographic contributions. Finally, a boundless debt of gratitude is owed the Old Breed, my parents Eva and Morris Goldstein, and Aunt Ethel and Uncle Norman Cohen, whose examples taught me most of what I know about being a parent, and a mensch. Forever first and last in my heart, partner-in-life Dayle, daughter Cassidy, and of course the hero of our family saga, Barty boyLove ya, Fam.

Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way. Abraham Lincoln

Without pretending to be an expert, Id like to offer some tips that may help others facing terrible challenges like TBI. Its plain that there is no foolproof way of fighting, no surefire formula, no ready roadmap to follow in case of catastrophic illness, so youre sure to make mistakes. Dont be too hard on yourself, or on others. Faced with a crushingly powerful adversary, one can only try doing ones best. So, for what theyre worth, the following are my suggestions for better fighting.

Live for the day, one day at a time. Resist the seductive tendency to dwell on what might have been or to worry and obsess about the final outcome. The twin sirens of past and future, if indulged, will surely lure you off course. Besides, theres nothing much to be done about either. Be like the marathon runner focused on just the one mile at hand. Its not that you shouldnt make future plans, just dont fret about them or invest too much energy. Remember, todays the day, the Olympic Games.

Its best to forgive, though most of us feel the impulse only waveringly if at all. Ive personally struggled with this demon, but when successful, its been like laying down a heavy burden. What a relief to finally forgive the boys and their parents for moving on with their lives, and wish them only the best. Like most things, forgiving gets easier with practice. As the author of some costly mistakes, and often prey to ugly, hateful feelings, Ive forgiven myself and hope for as much from those whove paid the price.

Count your blessings daily. If things are too bleak, or youre so blitzed that nothing springs to mind, keep a log and at bedtime review three good things that happened during the day. When not enough good things are happening, make them happen! Treat a stranger to an act of kindnessthat counts as a good thing and is a reminder that youre not helpless, but can still make your mark. The Dalai Lama once said if you want to make someone happy, practice compassion. And if you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Surround yourself with positive people. The worldwide conspiracy of decency has members in every community. Seek them out. Theyll buck you up, inspire by example, and keep you in psychological and spiritual training for the long haul. Join their ranks. If you dont know enough of them, find resources at support groups for TBI or whatever else ails you or your loved one or other assemblies of people like churches and synagogues, though beware negative types haunting their halls. The idea is to find people wholl help you stay brave and strong so you can be there for the ones really counting on you.

The corollary to the last point is to avoid negative people. This is not as simple as it sounds, since they may include family and other loved ones. Negative is a comprehensive category including whiners, naysayers, melancholic and depressive types, cynical and sarcastic wise guys, put-down artists, selfish blowhards, pessimists, and many others. If they make you feel lousy, they will sap your strength. Youre in for a long, hard fight; these dour, toxic folks make it harder, often without malice, just by being themselves. If its too emotionally taxing to drop them completely, then cut way down on exposure time. If you are of a negative bent, follow this suggestion all the sameyou need it more than most.

No one is strong enough to successfully wage this kind of struggle solely by triumph of will. Find a wing to nestle undera safe, calm place, a spiritual haven. Daily prayer, for those inclined, is best. I cant imagine getting by without it. But meditation, positive thinking, kything, and visualization are good too. For some, inspirational music, poetry, and reading are just the thing.

If your heart is breaking, try singing a different song. The old hymn How Can I Keep from Singing? eased me out of some very dark spots. Find a song or two or many that give you a boost and bring you back to a hopeful place; then, if need be, literally force yourself to sing. (In the shower or even in your head is fine.) Keep a CD of your songs handy in the car.

Laugh a lot. If youre not naturally inclined, push yourself: rent movies, go visit funny friends. Theyll lighten the load for sure.