Sally Gary - Affirming: A Memoir of Faith, Sexuality, and Staying in the Church

Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.

4035 Park East Court SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

www.eerdmans.com

2021 Sally Gary

All rights reserved

Published 2021

Printed in the United States of America

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ISBN 978-0-8028-7917-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

Portions of this publication first appeared in Loves God, Likes Girls: A Memoir. 2013 by Sally Gary. Used by permission of Leafwood Publishers, an imprint of Abilene Christian University Press.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations come from the New International Version (2011).

For my mama, who introduced me to Jesus

T he older I become, the more I realize that we accomplish nothing on our own. We achieve only on the shoulders of others. Thats the essence of this bookhow others have influenced my thinking and helped to bring me to where I am today. Most of all, I thank my parents for their ongoing influence in my life. Im thankful for all those Sunday school teachers and public school teachers who planted, tilled, and watered seeds along the way. Im thankful for those professors who shaped and refined me, and for the friends who educated me in all my academic endeavors. And to all those who are not specifically named in this memoir but who most assuredly impacted my faith and the process by which I came to be affirming, thank you. You are all dear to me.

Thank you to all those who have walked on the journey with me. Would that I had known years ago what I know now. How different our lives might have been. For all of the pain my lack of awareness may have caused, I am deeply sorry. Likewise, not everyone will be pleased with the words on the pages of this book. I ask for your grace and understanding, as I continue to offer mine. This is not the end of the conversation. Rather, it is a new beginning.

In 2013, Leafwood Press of Abilene Christian University took a great risk in publishing my memoir, Loves God, Likes Girls. The message of the book was greatly needed among its conservative readership, requiring tremendous courage for Leonard Allen, director of Leafwood at the time, to print. While my views have since shifted, the good that was accomplished through that memoir will never be forgotten. Thank you, Leonard, for your wisdom in opening a door that was unprecedented, and for starting conversations that were long overdue and, I pray, ongoing in our churches. Thank you also to Jason Fikes, current director of Leafwood, for your continued interest and support.

I am especially grateful for all the pioneers in the Christian LGBTQ movement, but especially for the voices of Justin Lee and Matthew Vines. Justin and Matthew have led the way in awakening fellow believers to the wrestlings of Christian LGBTQ people. I am indebted to their courage and the time and energy expended in ministering to the LGBTQ community and to the church. Im thankful for their friendship and for their willingness to go first, making it all that much easier for me to write this book.

Without human cattle prods who kept this book alive in me, I would not have been self-disciplined enough to finish. John Alan Turner, thank you for remembering that Im Seabiscuit, the champion racehorsecapable of greatness and yet often content to loll around in bluegrass and nap in the sunshineand still believing in me. Thank you, my friend, for continuing to talk to me about writing when others had given up. Thanks for inviting me to the writers retreat with you and the Runkels. That weekend in Seattle with all of you was a huge turning point in the completion of this book.

Thank you to those who have graciously allowed me to tell parts of their stories, because their stories overlapped with mine. Now I can no longer share my story completely without telling some of theirs as well.

Thank you to the readers of early draftsPat Bills, Mike Cope, Nancy Ulrich, and Gil Vollmering. I am grateful for your abiding friendship, and for the combination of candor and grace you demonstrate with me. Rare are those friends who will be honest, holding my feet to the fire, yet reassuring and kind. I am becoming a better person because of you.

Trevor Thompson, thank you for a conversation long ago that was a huge turning point for my faith. I will always be grateful. More recently, I am so appreciative of this opportunity to work with you, Laurel Draper, Tom Raabe, and the rest of the Eerdmans team. Thank you all for your sensitivity to this topic and for your desire to bring this book to life. For your willingness to be flexible in working with my schedule and the ministry needs of the CenterPeace e3 Conference, I cant thank you enough.

Most of all, I thank Karen Keen for the hours you spent editing my stories. For all the hours of listening to my stories and ideas for yet another chapter. For having the wisdom and courage to say, Less is more, Sally! For believing in me and for praying for this book to open hearts to God. For encouraging me when all the time, you, Karen, are the real writer in our family! For warmth, comfort, security, and inspiration. For making home wherever you are. I love you.

Oh. And thank you to Rudy, the miniature dapple dachshund who slept by my side as I typed every word.

I n writing this book I have relied primarily on my memory and, when able, the recollections of friends in the stories. Most of the names used in the book, but not all, have been changed for the sake of the privacy of those individuals. Sometimes certain details have been omitted or altered to protect anonymity. I have not created any composite characters for this book.

I n many ways it was a typical Sunday morning. I got up, showered, put on some clothes, and headed to church, as Id been doing for as long as I could remember. But there was something different about this drive to church.

God, I prayed. Im not completely sure about this. Sometimes the feelings I have for this womanfeelings that go much deeper than friendshipseem like a gift from you. The emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection I feel with her is so much more than mere physical attraction, and yet thats a part of what I feel as well. I cant stop thinking about her. I want to be with her all the time. Our conversations about ministry and Scripture and the similarities in our backgrounds in church just keep drawing me closer to her. Shes exactly what Ive always wanted in a partner to share my life with, mainly because of how much she loves you.

I continued praying as I turned onto the highway to begin the drive to church. But, God, at other times I feel like Im violating something sacred, something Ive been taught all my life is the vilest of sins. I dont know what you expect from me. How do I determine whether what Im experiencing with her is really from you or not?

I could feel the tension in my body, the shallow breathing, the elevated heart rate. Id felt those physiological responses to emotional stress at different points throughout my life, so they werent unfamiliar. This just felt bigger, more important to resolve.

I kept driving down the 635 loop around Dallas, inching my way over to the right lane to take the Jupiter exit, and, finally, I pulled into the church parking lot. Walking to the side door, I could hear the singing already under way, indicating I was running a bit late. I walked through the crowd, greeting people with hugs, searching for a seat. When I finally settled into my pew, I joined in singing with these people who had become family to me over the last several years. I placed membership with the Highland Oaks Church in 2014, when I moved from Abilene to Dallas to expand the ministry that I was doing with CenterPeace, a nonprofit organization I started in 2006 to equip churches, schools, and families to have more Christlike conversations on faith and sexuality.