Joan Anderson - A Weekend to Change Your Life: Find Your Authentic Self After a Lifetime of Being All Things to All People

Contents

PRE-WEEKEND:
UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED FOR CHANGE

FRIDAY:
THE IMPORTANCE OF RETREAT

FRIDAY EVENING:
RETRIEVE YOUR RAW MATERIAL SELF

SATURDAY:
REPAIR BODY AND SOUL

SUNDAY MORNING:
REGROUP BY FINDING BALANCE AND BOUNDARIES

SUNDAY AFTERNOON:
REGENERATE BY EMBRACING YOUR SECOND JOURNEY

POST-RETREAT:
RETURN

To the weekend women who strive to grow and change.
May you become tomorrows mentors.

Acknowledgments

Developing a self and changing my life all started with an original group of seekers from suburban New York: Cheryl Lindgren, Judy Greenberg, Hazel Kim, Joya Verde, and Virginia Dare. Thanks for agreeing to search for ourselves together. And then came the numerous weekend retreaters who returned to their homes (in some forty-nine states) and began to tell the story of changeby giving speeches, talking to a friend over a cup of coffee, at their book clubs, or by organizing a workshop to coincide with my visits. Together we have given birth to a new movementthe unfinished woman movement. To all of you I will be forever grateful.

In Arizona: Joyce Anne Longfellow, Sally Arnold, Bernice Grassel, Bunny Perkins, Yvonne Rojas, and Barbara Hoffnagle. In California: Susan Jeannero, Sylvia Bays, Charlotte Hollingsworth. In Georgia: Kathy Wheeler. In Illinois: The founders of Maggies Place, Barbara Benson and Nancy Powers. In Pennsylvania: Barbara DeFlavis, Martha Enck, Betsy Miraglia. In Florida: Julie Debs and Susan Pinder. In Michigan: Sue Ann Schredder, Dawn Shapiro, Char Firlik, Julie Morton, Tonja McCullough, Peggy DePersia, Linda Masselink. In Minnesota: Nancy Jorgenson. In Massachusetts: Sally Hunsdorfer. In Nebraska: Anna Anderson. In Iowa: Alice Book. In Louisiana: Vicki Armitage. In New Jersey: Cincy Cutcliff, Terry Maricondo, Elaine Ottoway, Kyle Sabitino, Cathy Cohen.

Special thanks to Jody Donohue for offering her ad agency to promote my work. Also to Pat Haney, who used her videotaping skills for some of my speeches, and to the Chatham Bars Inn, which gave me lodging when I needed to get away. Producing a book as well as a program takes a team. Stacy Creamer, my editor, believes strongly that women need a push to grow and change, and, as such, she has been a great supporter of the premise of my program; Liv Blumer, my agent, supported my voice as a memoirist, and now has gotten behind my new voice as a mentor; and my assistant, Debbie Ebersold, has been a wonderful conduit between me and the weekend women, holding the logistics of my weekends together while I was busy writing this book. My deepest gratitude goes to Rebecca Anderson, my advisor in all things editorial, who traveled with me to get the pulse of todays woman and then insisted on addressing issues that could make a real difference in the lives of women wanting and seeking change. And last but not least, to the Salty Sisters, a group of women who met over a weekend and continue to affect each others lives via e-mail, regular visits, and vacation retreats. You are the proof of Margaret Meads sentiment: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

A Note from the Author

In this book, I draw on the voices and stories of many of the women I have met over the past nine years. Some examples are composites, some are drawn directly from my weekend workshops, and some are based on interviews I conducted for this book. In all cases I changed the names to protect the privacy of these women, who are still growing and changing.

Introduction

Most women in their thirties to their seventies are asking the same question: How, after being all things to all people, can I become what I need to be for myself?

Impossible, I hear some of you saying. Its just too much work.

I could never unload enough of my obligations to address the question fully, say others.

Well, perhaps. But you see, I was once so emptied by answering to everyone elses needs and expectations that I was desperate. Simply showing up for life no longer sustained me. I knew that I needed to listen to my heart and start taking better care of myself. But, like you, I didnt know how. Then, one day, I took a leap of faith and ran away from home for a time. I have not looked back since.

My flight was a pure gut reaction. I was halfway to a hundred and I figured it was now or neverlisten to my own voice or continue simply to follow the pack. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew there were myriad unheard longings, ideas, and plans that I had grown used to ignoring. It was time to set them free. Escape seemed to be the only answer. Going to a place where I could be aloneapart from friends, family, and outside influenceswould help me start again, get back in touch with who I was and wanted to be.

Certainly there was a price to pay. My decision to move by myself to Cape Cod was really unpopular, if not downright threatening to most people in my life. Aside from one confused and angry husband, many friends and acquaintances called me selfish, while others concluded that I had simply turned into an aggressive feminist. I bristled at the abrasiveness of the latter label. Couldnt they see that I was simply at a turning point and in need of new direction? Still, their judgments fed my fearsit certainly seemed that I had lost all compassion, and was even going a bit crazy. All I knew for sure was that I was tired and empty. The soft side of me had been buried by a culture that insists we do rather than be, and I didnt much enjoy the life I was leading.

After a year spent alone, trekking through the dunes and hiking along the beaches of Cape Cod, I gradually gained some clarity, reconnected with my intuition and instinct, repaired the wounds of self-neglect, and uncovered a fresh slate upon which to design the rest of my life. Along the way, I realized that the barbed labels cast my way had very little to do with me. They reflected everyone elses fear of change and of not being able to lean on me. My job was to save the only life I could savemy own!

During my year alone, I was fortunate enough to meet a wise old woman who became my friend and mentor. Joan Erikson was married to the famous psychoanalyst Erik Erikson and had collaborated with him on the theory that ones identity is formed through an eight-stage life cycle. In addition to her work with her husband, she was an artist, a listener, and a seeker. She showed me how to dance beyond the breakers, to pick up the dropped stitches of my life, to live in the moment, to nourish and love my body, and to never stop embracing adventure. Her friendship sustained me during my difficult journeyshe buoyed my flagging spirits with her laughter and love of song, she kept me company on particularly dark and lonely nights, and she helped me find a sense of purpose beyond my despair by encouraging me to be generative and share my experiences. I hold dear her most significant lesson, that we all have a responsibility to help ourselves to whatever wisdom and support come our way, and then, most importantly, to pass it on.