Geena Davis - Dying of Politeness

To Dan

So to feel brave, act as if we were brave, use all our will to that end, and a courage-fit will very likely replace the fit of fear.

William James, The Gospel of Relaxation, On Vital Reserves (1922)

Contents

I toyed with the idea of writing a book a number of years ago and started jotting down things I could include. I just went back to look at my notes and saw that the very first thing I wrote down was Mrs. Morgans lawn.

Ive never known a Mrs. Morgan, nor do I have any memories of her lawn. Our lawn, yes. I remember one day when I was a kid, our neighbor Mrs. Perkins called my mother to tell her there was something seriously wrong with me. My dad had set me up in the side yard with the power mower, and I was pretending the blades of grass were enemy soldiers that I was mowing down in a ferocious battle. Naturally I had to speak up above the roar of the motor as I gave orders to my troops. But to Mrs. Perkins, at least, it looked very odd to see a young girl shoving a big lawn mower around while angrily bellowing at the grass. handbreak

Actually, there were a lot of calls to my mother to say that something must have been wrong with me.

* * *

I kicked ass onscreen way before I did so in real life. The roles Ive played have taken me down paths I never could have imagined when I dreamed of becoming an actor. They have helped transform me, slowly, in fits and starts, into someone of power. As my career progressed, I went all the way from playing a soap star in her underwear in Tootsie, to a housewife-turned-road warrior in Thelma & Louise, to a baseball phenomenon in A League of Their Own, to the first female president of the United States in Commander in Chief, and more. For everything I put into each of those roles, Ive taken away far more. Acting has changed me every single time Ive had the great good fortune to do it.

Some movies Ive been in have even inspired the people watching them to feel more empoweredlike, you know, Earth Girls Are Easy.

Ive been blessed to practice living a different life onscreena bolder, freer, and more authentic one than my own. And though my characters were bold before I was, that boldness rubbed off on me, and transformed me into a fledglingthen full-fledgedbadass. (I figure Im permitted to call myself that because the magazine The Mary Sue ran an article in 2013 with the headline Geena Davis Is the Most Badass Badass to Ever Badass.)

For people observing my life from afar, I imagine they picture my journey to badassery climbing upward in a nice even line:

However, this is the actual graph of my journey:

Setbacks are part of the process on any journey, of course, but the reason my road toward claiming my power is so meandering may, in part, be a result of growing up a cripplingly polite New Englander who was much too tall to hide.

I may be one of the few people who can honestly say they very nearly died of politeness. Two others are my parents, as youll see. This dangerous politeness was bequeathed to me early on. I was conditioned to think that I mustnt ask for things, must never put anyone out; so trained to be insanely polite that I learned to have no needs at all: even if someone was handing me an already poured glass of ice water, I was to say, No, thank you. Im not thirsty. Because otherwise, well, imagine what might have happened! I could have conceivably become the person who, every time she showed up, needed a freshly poured glass of fucking ice water, and who would want to be such a person?

My polite near-death came when I was about eight years old. My ninety-nine-year-old great-uncle Jack was driving his wife, great-aunt Marion, my parents, and me back to their house after a dinner out. The lovely old fella was occasionally veering in and out of the oncoming, if blessedly empty, traffic lane. Rather than saying anything out loud, like... I dont know, FOR GODS SAKE PULL OVER, JACK, WERE ALL GOING TO DIEmy parents simply moved me to the spot between them on the back seat, thinking, I presume, that when the inevitable head-on collision occurred, Id be killed a little less in the middle. (Never mind the fact that I was now perfectly positioned for a straight shot through the windshield.) Finally, great-uncle Jack full-on wobbled into the other lane and stayed there, straddling the yellow linebut this time a car was approaching.

Still, not a peep from my parents.

At the very last instant, with mere seconds before impact, Marion gently said, A little to the right, Jack. I still remember the distorted faces of the occupants of the other car streaking past us, inches away, as he swerved just in time. The lesson being: Even if there is death in the offing (or of the offspring), dont say something that could possibly be perceived as impolite.

* * *

I think the big task of my life is to close the gap between when something happens to me and when I react authentically to it. And miraculously, the characters Ive played have helped transform me, slowly, in fits and starts, into someone who can stand up for herselfand who on occasion knows how she feels about something right in the moment.

It wasnt until I played Thelma that I realized I may have wanted to become an actor so fervently because I could use acting to fill out the persona of someone confident in their abilitiessomeone I desperately wanted to be like in real life. Youve heard the term Fake it till you make itI would inelegantly paraphrase that as Act like it enough and it might just rub off on you. At the very least, people will think youre like that in real life.

Before Thelma & Louise, I felt plagued by the strong currents of self-effacement coursing through me, so I decided to try taking a self-defense class (with Impact, a great company offering these kinds of classes). In this class, you face up against a man in a huge padded suit, like the Michelin Manso you can fight him as hard as you can without any fear of hurting him. The first thing the instructor did was to have us stand in a line, and one by one the padded man would walk toward us. When it felt like he was about to invade our boundaries, we were to say Stop! One by one he approached my fellow classmates, and the differences in when they felt he was getting too close showed how strong or weak their boundaries were.

And when it was my turn? He ended up walking right into me, because, somehow, I couldnt manage to say Stop! in time. Evidently, I thought I had no license to tell anybody to stop doing anything.

But by the time I reached my forties Id become a middle-aged data geek and had my own institute on gender in mediaand I became a mom. I had my kids late in lifeat forty-six and forty-eight!and I thought it was wonderful that this happened after Id become more of who I was supposed to be. I could show them what it was like to be a strong woman and raise them to see women and men as equals.

For example, have you ever heard this riddle?

A father and son are in a terrible accident, and they are taken to different hospitals. When the boy is wheeled into the operating room, the surgeon exclaims, I cant operate on him, hes my son! Who is the surgeon?

An interviewer once commented to me that if anyone would know the answer it would be my kids, and I said, You got that right! So later, just for fun, I told the riddle to one of my five-year-old sons, knowing he would nail it.

He named every type of male relative that exists, then moved on to the neighbor before I stopped him to say it was the patients mother.