Marcia Kester Doyle - Who Stole My Spandex? Life in the Hot Flash Lane

Praise for Who Stole My Spandex?

Marcia Kester Doyle writes with supreme wit. Shes brutally honest, blissfully funny, and an absolute blast to read.

AK Turner, New York Times bestselling author of This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store and Hair of the Corn Dog

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Curl up with a glass of wine, a copy of Who Stole My Spandex? and let the giggling begin. (Disclaimer: I cannot, however, be held responsible if a jet stream of wine shoots out of your nose when your giggles turn into full-fledged guffaws. Read responsibly.)

Leighann Lord, stand-up comedian and author of Dict Jokes: Alternate Definitions for Words Youve Probably Never Heard of But Will Definitely Never Forget

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This book is hilarious and heartwarming. You will laugh. You will cry. And you wont want it to end. Marcia is able to take even the most ordinary life situation and make it laugh-out-loud funny. Take a moment to treat yourself with the gift of laughter. Hide in the bathroom if you have to, but every midlife woman should read this book!

Vikki Clafin, author of Shake, Rattle & Roll With It

Marcia Kester Doyle describes everyday occurrences and middle-age realities with a slam-dunk of wit and humanity. The stories are varied and offer entertaining descriptions of topics not often thought of as funny: colonoscopies, menopause, teenagers, aging, and empty nests, just to name a few. Warning: will cause bursts of laughter at the beach and poolside.

Kimberly J. Dalferes, author of Magic Fishing Panties and I Was in Love With a Short Man Once

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No matter what life has dished up for her, Marcia Kester Doyle has an uncanny gift for seeing and sharing the humor or beauty in every situation. Im awed by her ability to make me both laugh and cry in the same book. Hold all my calls, Im meeting Marcia for take-out from the Burger Barn.

Leslie Marinelli, CEO of In The Powder Room and editor and co-author of the bestselling womens humor anthology, You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth

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Marcia Kester Doyles book Who Stole my Spandex? is the gift to myself that keeps on giving. I read it once, and then read it again and laughed every time! Its 100 percent relatable for anyone going through the change, and 100 percent hysterical.

Tracy Beckerman, syndicated humor columnist and author of Lost In Suburbia

Who Stole My Spandex? is required reading for anyone who enjoys laughter at any age. Marcia Kester Doyle has the ability to turn a seemingly everyday event, mishap, or unexpected issue into a cause for celebration and high amusement. She writes so honestly and entertainingly about her life and loves, channeling Erma Bombeck with humor, verve, warmth, and hard-won wisdom!

Jenny Isenman, humorist behind TheSuburbanJungle.com and Jenny From the Blog, on-air host for NBC, and writer at the Huffington Post, Yahoo! Shine, and The Stir

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With each new chapter of Who Stole My Spandex? , I laughed until I cried, and that was amazing. Marcia swept me away with her incredible ability to find the joy in even the most trying times. She may be the only person I know who could leave me wishing to survive a natural disaster because, like with everything else in her life, she does it with a beautiful balance of humor and grace!

Carolyn Coppola, author of Minivans Meltdowns & Merlot

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This book kept my sides splitting for days. If you are middle-aged or approaching middle age, I think this is the book to laugh down all the trials and tribulations that come with this wondrous time in our lives.

Donna Cavanagh, founder of HumorOutcasts.com

Its difficult to write humor, but Marcia Kester Doyle does it in grand style. This book is easy to read, provokes needed laughter, and makes you want to get together with Marcia for a road trip. It could be like Thelma and Louise, but without the messy driving-over-the-cliff scene. I look forward to more books from this author.

Elaine Ambrose, syndicated blogger and author of 10 books, including Menopause Sucks and Midlife Cabernet

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A comical glimpse at everything related to marriage, motherhood and middle age. Marcias brand of humor had me laughing the entire time. I particularly enjoyed her humorous insight on raising a family and all the calamities that ensue. A delightful read!

Stacey Gustafson, author of Are You Kidding Me?

Who Stole My Spandex?

Life in the Hot Flash Lane

By Marcia Kester Doyle

Copyright 2014, 2015 Marcia Kester Doyle

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License. Attribution You must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor (but not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use of the work). Noncommercial You may not use this work for commercial purposes. No Derivative Works You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work.

Inquiries about additional permissions should be directed to: marciakesterdoyle@yahoo.com

Edited by Sarah del Rio (sarahdelrio@gmail.com)

Cover Design by Michelle Fairbanks/Fresh Design

MarciaKesterDoyle.com

@MenoMother

The following chapters were originally published on the website In the Powder Room (http://inthepowderroom.com/) and are reprinted in part or whole (some titles changed) with permission: Nine Signs You Might Be a MILF (Jan. 2014), The Truth About Aging (Dec. 2013), Livin Large in Zumba Land (originally published under the title I Wanna Get PhysicalWith Mexican Food, Nov. 2013), Aviation Traumatization (originally published under the title The Reason Im Not In The Mile High Club, Nov. 2013), Gobble Be Gone (Nov. 2013), Not In My Back Yard (originally published under the title The Neighbors From Hell, Jan. 2014), In-Laws From Hell (Jan. 2014), Twelve Reasons Why Shes Your Best Friend (Nov. 2013), Ladies Restroom Etiquette 101 (Nov. 2013), Six Good Things About Raising Teenage Boys (Jul. 2013), and Six Good Things About Raising Teenage Girls (Jul. 2013).

Previously published as Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF,
Blue Lobster Book Co., 2014

Print ISBN 978-0-9883-9806-1

EPUB ISBN 978-0-9883-9808-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015918033

To Mac, for never letting me go a day without laughter, and for helping me to see the extraordinary in the ordinary.

In loving memory of my father, Stewart R. Kester, and my sweet sister, Cherie.

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Table of Contents

Six Good Things About
Raising Teenage Boys

Six Good Things About
Raising Teenage Girls

My Love/Hate Relationship
With Football

The Dos and Donts
of Valentines Day Gifts

Twelve Reasons Why
Shes Your Best Friend

White-Water Rafting and
Other Things Ill Never Do

Table of Contents

Six Good Things About
Raising Teenage Boys

Six Good Things About
Raising Teenage Girls

My Love/Hate Relationship
With Football

The Dos and Donts
of Valentines Day Gifts

Twelve Reasons Why
Shes Your Best Friend

White-Water Rafting and
Other Things Ill Never Do

Introduction

I COME FROM A GENERATION of shoulder pads, mullets, and the incredible synthetic fabric known as spandex. While Cyndi Lauper was busy convincing the world that Girls Just Want to Have Fun, I was combing the sales racks at Sears for anything containing 20 percent or more of this magical miracle material. The industrious little fabric with the futuristic name was the answer to the prayers of every fast-food-lovin Baby Boomer who couldnt afford a plastic surgeon.