Matthew Latkiewicz - You Suck at Drinking

2015 by Matthew Latkiewicz

Illustrations 2015 Carl Wiens

Published by Running Press,

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

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Printed in the United States

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A portion of this books material originally appeared in the Sloshed column on grubstreet.com, New York Magazines Food and Restaurant Blog.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014953792

E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-5188-3

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Cover and Interior design by Joshua McDonnell

Interior Illustrations by Carl Wiens

Edited by Jennifer Kasius

Typography: Avenir, Archer, SansSerif

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CONTENTS

First, let me raise my glass and say an opening prayer: Cheers!

Now, we may begin.

The problemone of them, at leastis that most of us were never taught what or how to drink, not really, not unless you count watching your uncles down dirty martinis, or high school football players shotgun beers, or overhearing waiters advise your parents on wine-food pairings at fancy restaurants. That education, while helpful, will only get you so far. Drinking is complicated, which is to say that it is simple, but because it makes you dumb and clumsy, it feels complicated.

Add to this that booze goes hand-in-hand with many different types of human endeavors. We drink to socialize, to celebrate, to drown sorrows; we drink in large groups, in small groups, and while alone; we drink on vacation, during work, and while we eat; we drink inside and we drink outside; we sometimes drink a lot and sometimes just a little. And yet while all these different scenarios require different drinking mentalities, our under-education means that, most of the time, we are ill-equipped to know what type is needed when and where.

Well, no more! To help you navigate your drinking life, I humbly offer this book, You Suck at Drinking; Being a complete guide to drinking for any and all situations in your life, including but not limited to office holiday parties, weddings, breakups, and other sad times, outdoor chores like deck-building, and while in public, legally and illegally. For instance: Have you ever wondered whether you can order a drink at lunch with your boss? Have you ever felt intimidated by a bartender? Or drunk too much at a wedding? Have you pretended to know more about wine than you actually do? Or gotten caught drinking a beer in public? Or jeez, have you ever drunk with your coworkers and made a pass at someone you really should not have made a pass at? There are many decisions about what and how to drink that depend on when and where and with whom you are drinking, decisions made all the more difficult because, well, you are drinking. Fortunately, the strategies and correct answers to these questions are all contained in this book.

I have been giving advice on drinking for over ten years, first as the owner of a caf that served beer and wine in the fabled land of Montague, Massachusetts, and then in the international waters of the Internet and magazines as a drinks writer for such publications as McSweeneys, Grub Street, and Details. The book you hold in your hands is the knowledge culled from those years of experience, containing tongue-in-cheek advice, thoughtful reflection, and irreverent commentaryall in celebration of drinking.

Please note: I am not a bartender. This book will not provide recipes. I am also not a chef. This book will not instruct you on the intricacies of flavor and/or pairing your drink with food. I am, for better or worse (probably worse), a Drinker who writes about drinking. My research has been extensive, mostly accidental, often shameful. What I can teach you about drinking is probably not healthy or helpful in a life-goal-achieving sort of way. But we both know that you are going to drink and that you will make many mistakes along the way. So you may as well read this book and perform your drinking with as much care, attention, and forethought as when you play with your kids or do your taxes or whatever.

You Suck at Drinking is not so much a guide to alcohol as it is a guide to practicing good Drinkcraft. Will it prepare you to be the maid of honor at a wedding? It will. Will you learn how to drink to your advantage in casinos? You bet you will! What about childrens birthday parties? Let me put it this way: all possible parties, including child-centric ones, will be explored.

Give this book to a college graduate, to new hires, to the person with whom you are becoming romantically involved. Let them learn from the mistakes and hard-won wisdom of those who have come before them, from those who have learned how to handle their liquor. This is the book that folks should be given on that fateful day when they take their first drink; the book that will steer them correctly away from the siren call of flavored vodka that awaits many of those who drinkbut who are not yet Drinkers.