John Finch - The Father Effect: Hope and Healing from a Dads Absence

A s a pediatrician who has practiced medicine for a little over thirty years now, Ive heard just about everything that a child or adolescent can say about life and their parents. Ive listened to the hearts of thousands of children, and much of what I hear troubles me deeply. Ive heard girls as young as five years old cry over their missing fathers. Ive held hands with sixteen-year-old boys sobbing from anger they feel toward themselves for having driven away their dads. Young children and teens who feel the deep hole in their hearts from having no dad wonder if life is actually worth living. Children cant reconcile that they are not responsible for their fathers behaviors, because they lack full brain maturation and cognitive skills. They simply cant process the pain that even many adults have difficulty processing.

I have watched the divorce rates rise alongside the concomitant swell of depression, anxiety, increased sexual activity, drinking, drug abuse, ADHD, and learning issues in children and teens. Children who dont have fathers in their homes or engaged in their lives suffer terribly. Its high time that we as a culture do something for our kidsand that is, help their fathers. We must stop demeaning and shaming dads through movies and sitcoms. And we mothers must stop criticizing their every move, because if a father doesnt feel respected in his family, real disaster can ensue. As Emerson Eggerichs writes in Love & Respect, every man needs respect in order to live a healthy life and be a good father.

We in America are facing a national crisis. We see teenage boys in inner-city gangs killing one another because they are out of control. Why? They have no fathers. We see teenage girls having sex with boys they dont even like, because they long for male attention and affection because they have no fathers. The crisis of fatherlessness doesnt affect just the inner citiesit spans across America into the homes of middle- and upper-middle-class families who may have a father present but see him disengage. He may not do so willfully, but simply because he really believes that he has very little value in his childrens lives. How can he know his value if he is not taught, affirmed, or encouraged?

When fathers orbit or leave their homes, something deeply painful happens to the mothers and children who stay. The children feel the ground beneath their feet crumble. Women become angry and resentful. And the men who disengage end up in very dark places.

I am so grateful that John Finch knows this. I am sorry for the pain he endured as a child, but without that life experience, I dont know that he could have produced such a profound work as this very important book. With the keen skill of a surgeon, he peels back the coverings of fathers lives to expose the tragedy that lies beneath for many of them. He astutely walks men and women through their father woundedness by helping them look back over their lives and face their grief. John takes us through that process empathetically because he bravely walked through it before his readers. He turned inward first and faced his own father wounds. Therefore, he is the perfect guide for anyone who has lived with a disengaged, absent, or abusive father.

The Father Effect is an extremely important book because John puts his index finger on the pain points in our country, in the hearts of men and in the lives of children who grow up without their fathers. Best of all, he offers hope to all who read, for healing, redirection, forgiveness, and the knowledge that they can be great parents. They can raise great kids and lead a full and wonderful life.

The Father Effect, however, is not just for men. It is a book that every woman should read as well because they, too, suffer when they have bad or absent fathers. Women who are hurt by their fathers often grow angry, bitter, depressed, or anxious and usually carry that pain into their relationships with their husbands and children. Thus, the vicious cycle of hurt perpetuates itself.

We have a crisis on our hands. I dare say that if we as a nation dont begin to take the impact that fathers have on children seriously, we will see our children face far bigger problems, our families torn apart, and more children killed. When the family loses its father, it weakens and crumbles. And when families deteriorate, neighborhoods do as well. Towns then suffer along with states, and finally our nation weakens. Let us clearly see the breadth and depth of this fatherlessness issue in our country and homes. We are dealing with childrens lives and the health of a great nation. Let us be strong enough to resolve to care for men and teach, encourage, and inspire every father we know. If we want to leave a mark in this world, let us be about the business of following the instruction John gives us in this wonderful book.

Meg Meeker, MD

bestselling author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters and the countrys leading authority on parenting, teens, and childrens health

April 10, 1979

To My Darling Wife & Sons whom I dearly love,

I couldnt do something illegal & immoral to get money to pay the bills. It would hurt you all so much more and God might not forgive me. I know of no other way to keep from hurting you more. I dont understand why other than from my own weakness that this came to this. I ask for your love forgiveness and pray for Gods forgiveness. My last thoughts are of each of you and I pray that each of you Pattye, Larry, Scott, and John will live this life in truth and love and that you will know that I truly loved you with all my heart.

All My Love,