Amy Dickinson - Ask Amy: Advice for Better Living

Dear Amy: I am a 21-year-old married woman, working at an internship and attending college full time to finish my associate degree.

I am very busy.

My husband was laid off about eight months ago, and because of this we had to move in with my parents.

Ive been trying to be the supportive wife as much as I can be, but things are becoming more challenging and stressful.

I come home from a busy day to find dishes in the sink and dirty laundry on the floor, and I end up having to cook and clean all night.

Im beginning to lose hope that he will ever find a job. Furthermore, I dont think he is even looking anymore.

Im beginning to resent him. I question whether I even want to stay married to him. Ive tried giving him ultimatums and have tried being supportive at the same time. I feel as if I am becoming the nagging wife I always told myself I wouldnt be, but I just dont know what else to do.

How do I save my marriage from a financial hiccup like this?

Nagging Wife

Dear Wife: A hiccup is a temporary glitch. If things dont change, this could be a way of life.

Ultimatums dont work if there is no real consequence attached. If your marriage is on the line, then say so.

In a healthy, functioning marriage both partners do a lifetime dance and they switch or share roles when they need to.

You two should sit down when you are not in the midst of a stressful maelstrom and talk about expectations and efforts.

Is your husband willing to have the housework done by 4 p.m. each day? Is he willing to hustle to mow lawns or wash windows to keep busy and bring in some cash? And if not, why not?

After your schooling and professional training, are you willing to go to work full time to support the two of you?

In addition to being helpful to the household (and respecting your parents home), stepping up will make your husband feel energized and useful and will help with his job search.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years. This year for Christmas we received a great little video camera.

You can imagine my surprise when, after some holiday cheer followed by some holiday whoopee, he disclosed that he had hidden the camera and filmed our sexual encounter. I was furious.

I went along with some of this stuff years ago, but it didnt diminish the requests. I thought we had settled this issue in a marriage counselors office, when I asserted that I was not into this sort of photojournalism.

The counselor encouraged me to be very clear and for him to understand that no means no.

I try to be cheerful or playful when my husband brings this up, but I also say it makes me uncomfortable.

His response is, What does it hurt?

Am I being overly sensitive, or does this grandmother have a right to say what she wants to do with her body?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: When your husband secretly shoots video of you and then asks, What does it hurt? your answer is, Me. It hurts me.

In a balanced marriage, that should be enough. You have discussed his peep show porn habit before, and you have stated that no means no. Try again.

Because this statement may be too subtle for him, you could attach a consequence to it, by conveying that this makes you so uncomfortable that it diminishes your desire to be intimate.

There might be a way for you to compromise to share an experience he considers sexually thrilling and you find fulfilling or at least, not demeaning.

Dear Amy: I am an active, physically fit 42-year-old man. I have always been an active person and married a lady 10 years ago who at the time was in shape and active too. Over time, my 40-year-old wife has lost interest in things we used to do together. She has gained 50 pounds over the past couple of years. Shes the same great lady I fell in love with, but I am no longer sexually attracted to her.

Dont waste your breath with the shallow lecture I understand that. But the fact remains that her weight is a sexual problem for me.

Would counseling help me? I love her, but I want a rewarding sex life also.

Shallow in Denver

Dear Shallow: Because you have self-identified as shallow, I will proclaim you to be otherwise. Shallow is: Youre fat. I dont love you because youre fat. Im leaving you to be a backup dancer for Beyonce. Thats not you.

You are also overly generous (perhaps) to assume that counseling for you will somehow cure your physical aversion.

Your wife has lost interest in activities that she used to enjoy. She put on a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. My armchair analysis is that she may have a medical problem, and you should encourage her to see a physician to have a thorough checkup. She may have undiagnosed thyroid problems, depression or myriad other issues.

Beyond that, marriage counseling will help you both communicate about this, and to do so in a way that is kind and compassionate and with respectful regard to your sexual desires and your relationship. If couples counseling isnt helping, you could see a therapist with expertise in dealing with men at midlife.

Dear Amy: This is a very delicate situation, but I need your help.

My husband has really bad teeth.

I knew this before we married, so its not a new situation. Even though his teeth are in terrible shape, if he brushes them like normal people his breath is at least acceptable. Unfortunately for me, he only brushes them once a day.

In the past Ive talked to him about brushing more often, and for a while he does, but he has gone back to the once-a-day routine.

His breath is unbearable. What do I do?

Nauseated

Dear Nauseated: If your spouse wont tell you you have bad breath, then who will? It might be easier if you didnt feel this was so delicate.

You are married to someone who has a problem that affects you and possibly people outside your household.

His problem is fairly easily solved by more frequent brushing unlike some people, who have chronically bad breath.

You should tell him, I know we talked about this before, but your breath is really strong. I really wish you would brush twice a day, honey. I can tell it makes a real difference when you do.