James Napoli - The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm: A Lexicon for Those of Us Who Are Better and Smarter Than the Rest of You

THE OFFICIAL
DICTIONARY
OF
SARCASM

This is the part of the book where the author thanks the eleven unpaid interns, who tirelessly proofread the manuscript; the dedicated agent, who slept with all the right people to make the deal happen; and the many long-suffering friends, who provided invaluable feedback throughout the process, as if they had any damn choice in the matter. Theres also usually a nod to some kind of spousal unit, who remained patient and loving during the entire time the book was being written and with whom the author has probably begun divorce proceedings by the time the thing actually comes out. Except it went to press before things got really ugly, so the meaningless recognition paid to someone the author now wishes were dead perseveres for eternity.

But none of this is of any importance, because nobody ever reads this stupid page anyway.

Th ough it hardly matters to a sarcastic person (who is most assuredly not in the business of making anyone feel better), those of you who appreciate sarcasm are a rare breed. Two major forces drive you: one is to provoke and the other is to seek the truth. Both of these life missions make people very uncomfortable. A provocateur is not always welcome at the finer dinner parties, and one who uses humor to get at what is really going on behind the words we use makes the man shake in his boots.

But you, who are now honorary members of the National Sarcasm Society simply by virtue of holding this book in your trembling hands, have never courted popularity. No, you are out there on the vanguard, waiting to eviscerate the innards of propriety and puncture the balloon of pretension.

Here, then, is your handbook. An A-to-Z guide to keep with you, should you ever need to set anyone straight on everything from beer to Bluetooth, from camping to karaoke, from Socrates to Spider-Man.

Use it as often as you wish, to challenge the tiny minds of the plebeian rabble with whom you come into contact on a daily basis. You have been waiting patiently for a dictionary like this to come along. And now it is here. Not that you give a crap.

AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over fifty to remind them that they will soon be dead.

ABBA: Swedish pop group whose catchy melodies are very useful in helping to illuminate which one of your friends is probably gay.

ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.

ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are a hundred times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.

ACCENT: A way of speaking that reflects the region of the world in which you grew up. Depending on where that it is and where you are when you use it, it could either get you beat up or laid.

ONE OF A MYSTERIOUS RACE OF MOLE PEOPLE WHO RESURFACE ONCE A QUARTER AND CHARGE YOU TO USE QUICKEN.

ACHIEVEMENT: A great accomplishment, often accompanied by a sense of triumph. Or, as it is known to 98 percent of the population, getting out of bed in the morning.

ACID: Something you definitely have to be on to appreciate Carrot Top.

ACNE: Natures way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.

ACTIVIST: A person who cares about the fate of the world, until reaching approximately twenty-eight years of age.

ACUPUNCTURIST: An alternative-medicine practitioner who gets to stab people and call it therapy.

AD HOC: A Latin phrase meaning Hey, look at me, I know a Latin phrase.

ADORABLE: 1. The quality of being darling or cute. Usually confined to forwarded e-mails about kittens. 2. A word used by women in bars to refer to a man they want to say something nice about while making it painfully clear that they would never in a million years sleep with him.

ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as kill-me-now syndrome.

SOMETHING YOUR SPOUSE CLAIMED TO BE WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED DATING, BUT THE BEN WA BALLS ARE GATHERING DUST IN THE CLOSET AND IN ALL THIS TIME YOUVE YET TO CRUISE THE BARS LOOKING TO SPICE THINGS UP.

A MEDIUM THROUGH WHICH PEOPLE WHO TRULY CARE ABOUT YOUR WELFARE (AND NOT AT ALL ABOUT MONEY) PROVIDE YOU WITH HELPFUL, EXTREMELY SUBTLE REMINDERS THAT YOUR BAD BREATH, BODY ODOR, CELL PHONE PROVIDER, AND MAKE OF CAR ALL HAVE TO GO.

ADVICE: The only thing in the world more unwelcome than a baby in a movie theater.

AFFABLE: A workplace-based adjective used to describe the suck-up that always volunteers to replace the toner.

AFFLUENT: A word that allows you to describe a rich person without incorporating the usual tinge of jealousy and resentment.

AGGRESSIVE: A forceful, go-getter attitude that is greatly admired in business unless you are a woman.

AGLOW: The condition of being flush with radiant emotion, such as one in the bloom of love. Or, it might just be gas.

AGORAPHOBIA: A sudden attack of fear, anxiety, or panicsuch as that brought about by the sudden realization that you forgot to clear your Internet history before leaving work today.

THE GLORIOUS, GOD-GIVEN SUBSTANCE THAT PROVIDES US OUR VERY BREATH OF LIFE WHILE ALSO CONTAINING THE DISGUSTING, CONTAGIOUS PATHOGENS THAT WILL ONE DAY KILL US.

AIRBRUSH: An artists tool invented by Playboy magazine to give your girlfriend an inferiority complex.

AIR-CONDITIONING : The glorious, man-made appliance that cools us in the heat of summer while blasting out recirculated air that contains the disgusting, contagious pathogens that will one day kill us.