John Moe - The Deleted E-Mails of Hillary Clinton: A Parody
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- Book:The Deleted E-Mails of Hillary Clinton: A Parody
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(Or maybe she doesShes crafty like that.)
Remember that time Hillary Clinton admitted that she deleted thousands of e-mails from her ultra-secret personal e-mail address while Secretary of State? Thousands of e-mails, she claimed, about her daughters wedding? Well, people arent buying it: Hiding the truth says The New York Post. Conspiracy or incompetence? asks Al-Jazeera. Hillary Clinton Dont Give a Sh*t claims Wonkette. Clearly, these e-mails need to be released immediately.
Now, thanks to John Moe and WikiLoox, the lost messages have been retrieved and placed in this dossier. For the first time, well get a look inside HRCs well-coiffed head, reading intimate conversations with family (Bill, Chelsea), friends (Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Oprah, Beyonce), and frenemies (Obama, Palin, Putin) alike. Well also learn essential details about her private life, from her pop-culture obsessions to her thoughts on yoga, baking cookies, Scandal, and much more.
Make no mistakethis is a book of critical national importance. Following her journey from mother-of-the-bride to commandress-in-chief, well see how HRC handles the most challenging situations she might face in the White House, including how to respond to people who reply all to e-mails and how to wrangle pantsuit retailers as they compete, with increasing desperation, for her attention. Along the way, we will finally get the portrait we needthe one our country deservesof the woman we may soon call Madam President.
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Clinton, Hillary RodhamMiscellanea. 2. Clinton, Hillary RodhamHumor. 3. Electronic mail messagesHumor. 4.
United StatesPolitics and government2009Humor. 5. Women presidential candidatesUnited StatesHumor. 6. Presidents spousesUnited StatesHumor. Title. Title.
E887.C55M64 2015 327.730092dc23 2015026687 ISBN9781101906071 eBook ISBN9781101906088 Book design by Elizabeth RendfleischIllustrations by Cindy LuuCover design by Tal Goretsky First Edition v4.1 a
We are a group of ingenious cyber freedom fighters who comb the remote recesses of the deep Web to gain access to secret governmental documents. Then we release those documents to the world. We believe that there should be no secrets in the world. As for our membership, we dont want to give anyone our names because we dont want to get into trouble. We are not Democrats. We are not Republicans.
We think the whole system is rotten and corrupt. We dont read corporate newspapers. We dont watch the news on TV. We dont keep up on things. We dont know whats going on. But we believe in one thing: freedom.
How we got these e-mails is not important. Maybe we were tipped off by some important Washington insider. Maybe we saw an interview with Hillary Clinton and she had the login and password written on a note on her desk. Maybe Hillary Clinton is one of us. Shes not, of course, but wouldnt that be amazing? But again, she is not part of our group. So read on, my friend.
Read on for freedom. Love, WikiLoox
Now Im ready to serve in this other job while you serve as President and live in the White House. I will live somewhere else. And that is fine with me. I can live a lot of other places. Thats no big deal. Its fine.
I am eager to get started in my new role and excited to do my part to help establish peace and harmony between the United States and other nations, just as Ive been eager to establish peace and harmony between you, the President, and me, just the Secretary of State. Im totally okay. HRC P.S. I may use this e-mail account from time to time. Thats fine, right? January 20, 2009 TO: HRC FROM: Barack Obama RE: It being fine Madam Secretary, Thank you for your note of encouragement. Im perfectly fine with you using a personal e-mail account.
I mean, who cares, right? I dont think anyone would really get upset about it even if they found out. Besides, this way we can exchange information about the secret inner workings of power. Im talking about stuff like Area 51, who killed JFK, and our secret plan to personally break into peoples homes and steal their guns. Kidding! Well hire people to break into the homes. Kidding again! Seriously, though, Im excited to find out about UFOs. And Bigfoots.
Bigfeet? Actually, come to think of it, Im not sure you get to know all those things. Maybe its just a President thing. Bill probably knew about it when he was President. And Ill find out because Ill be President. But you might not find out ever at all. Since youre not President.
Again, really looking forward to what we can do together! Barack 
January 22, 2009 TO: Campaign advisors FROM: HRC Subject: Just for laughs Hi all, Been thinking we really need to get the whole team together for drinks and catch up on what weve all been up to since the campaign. Obviously, given my profile, it couldnt be at Chilis or anything, but there is a secure bunker beneath my office. We could sit around the table there. And drink. And talk. Fun, right?! Also, I had a really crazy idea.
Wouldnt it be a riot if we did some polling to see what would happen if I ran against Obama in 12? Just to be silly! And to find out! Totally random idea, I promise you. You must tell absolutely no one that Im very seriously considering this completely crazy nutty notion! Ha ha! Because Im not. Yes. I am, though. Not. Do it.
HRC January 23, 2009 TO: Campaign advisors FROM: HRC RE: Just for laughs Well, I didnt get replies from any of you on this. I guess everyones super busy! Me too! Please delete this thread. HRC
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