Patrick A. Means - Mens Secret Wars

Mens
Secret
Wars

At last, a book that really is honest about the real stuff men wrestle with. Thank you, Patrick, for having the courage to share the crucible of your journeyit encourages other men to stumble toward the grace-full, open arms of Jesus.

Ron Ross, founder and director, Overcomers, Inc.

Honest is the word that comes to mind. Flat-out honest. A rare and refreshing quality for a Christian book about men. If you are tired of all the pep talks about being a better husband and father, if you are weary of all the trying hard, trying harder, and trying your hardest, then read this book. It just might start you on the journey toward a more grace-full way of life.

Dale S. Ryan, CEO, Christian Recovery International

This book picks up where most other Christian books for men leave off. It charts a clear path to safety for the thousands of men in the churchand their familieswho struggle with secret pain. I believe Mens Secret Wars will emerge as one of the most powerful books on mens issues to be published to date.

Ronald S. Halvorson, RPI Publishing, Inc.

Mens
Secret
Wars

Patrick A. Means

1996, 1999, 2006 by Patrick Means

Published by Fleming H. Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

E-book edition created 2011

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-58558-095-8

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Scripture marked TLB is taken from The Living Bible, copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture marked NEB is taken from The New English Bible. Copyright 1961, 1970, 1989 by The Delegates of the Oxford University Press and The Syndics of the Cambridge University Press. Reprinted by permission.

Scripture marked NIV is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. www.zondervan.com

Scripture marked KJV is taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

The Life Rating Scale in chapter 4 is from Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez. Copyright 1992 by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez. Used by permission of Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.

Portions of this book originally appeared in STEPS magazine, the magazine of the National Association for Christian Recovery. Used by permission.

For Sarah and David, with love
and with gratefulness to God
for who hes made you to be

Contents

1. White Knights, Black Hats
Men and the Hero Subculture

2. If the Genes Fit
Rewriting Your Lifescript

3. The Elusive Father Blessing
Manhood without Models

4. You Cant Heal What You Dont Feel
Pain, Grief, and Anger

5. When the Hits Dont Keep On Coming
Adrenaline Addiction

6. The Search for the Magic Wand
Women and Sex

7. When Your Happily Ever After Isnt
Relationship Styles

8. The Long, Dark Trek into a Secret Life
The Secret Life Syndrome

9. The Rugged Journey Out
Leaving the Secret Life

10. Old Whines, New Wineskins
Life beyond the Quick Fix

11. Stumbling Heavenward
Shame and Grace

I am enthusiastic about presenting this new edition of MensSecret Wars. In the ten years since the first edition was published, the response has been humbling and encouraging. The emails Ive received tell me that the stories in the book strike a nerve: men struggle with stress and burnout, relationship dysfunction, substance abuse, and sexual addiction. Over the last decade, the seductive power of our sexually saturated society has taken an increasing toll on faith communities in the U.S. and Canada. Because of the explosive growth of the Internet, many Christian men who never before struggled with pornography are now fighting for their lives and marriages. Surveys show that 50 to 60 percent of Christian men have a problem with porn. Many believe the number is higher.

To help with the escalating problem of pornography and other forms of sexual addiction in the Christian community, I helped found Prodigals International in 2000. Over the next few years our Seattle-based staff worked intensively with hundreds of Christian men who had become ensnared in some form of inappropriate sexual behavior. We also provided counseling and support to the partners of these men. Additional thousands were helped in workshops and conferences we led across the U.S., Europe, and Latin America. Many men found freedom and many marriages were restored. All these experiences have confirmed the effectiveness of the biblical principles in Mens Secret Wars.

Given the culture in which we live, recurrent battles are also part of the itinerary on that trip to freedom. In this book, I share my own zigzag journey of recovery from the secret war that cost me my first marriage and my ministry. These last ten years have deepened my understanding of what that trek looks like. Ive learned that recovery is not about perfection; its about continuing to move in the right direction despite setbacks. Ive experienced both victories and defeats in my recovery prior to writing Mens Secret Wars as well as in the decade since it was published. God has used both types of experiences to humble me and to strengthen me. And he will use both in a powerful way in your life as well, as you allow him. Remember that thousands of men have walked this road before you and have seen God begin to give them freedom they never imagined possible. I hope to meet you on that road someday. God bless you... and welcome to the adventure!

Pat Means
Seattle, Washington
March 2006

To all the men whose stories appear in this book, for their courage in battling their own secret wars, and their willingness to share their stories with other men. Thank you.

To Roy Carlisle, Ron Halvorson, and Jack McGinnis, for their guidance and encouragement at critical times in my recovery journey.

To Dale and Juanita Ryan, for taking a risk and for modeling what it means to have grace in your guts.

To the men in our mens group: Jon, Dave, Dick, Van, and Craig, for helping to create a safe place where we all experienced the joys and terrors of true honesty.

To my parents, Mancel and Lola Means, for their unconditional love and unflagging support when I needed it most.

Nine years ago my world turned upside down. I was attending a ministry leadership conference in central Europe. In the middle of the night the phone rang. Even half asleep I could hear the strain in my supervisors voice: I need you to come to my room immediately. Its serious.

The next four hours were the start of a nightmare: a confrontation over the discovery of my extramarital affair, immediate dismissal from the ministry in which I had served for almost twenty years, and the beginning of a wilderness period that eventually included divorce and the loss of my family.