Helen Ellis - Being a Distance Son or Daughter--A Book for ALL Generations

BEING A DISTANCE
SON OR DAUGHTER

A Book for ALL Generations

Helen Ellis M.A.

First published in New Zealand by Distance Families Publishing

Helen Ellis, 2022

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior permission from the publisher.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Cover and illustrations designed by Cath Brew at drawntoastory.com

Cover photograph: Shutterstock

ISBN

978-0-4736234-0-1 Paperback

978-0-4736234-1-8 Paperback Print on demand

978-0-4736234-2-5 E-book Epub

Disclaimer

Some of the quotations from contributors have been edited for reasons of clarity. Names of some contributors have been changed for reasons of privacy.

PRAISE FOR
Being a Distance Son or Daughter a Book for ALL Generations

What an amazing reference document for distance sons and daughters! It covers all aspects of life (literally from life to death!), common issues facing expats (such as multicultural families), and things which happen in all families (crises and relationship breakdowns) but take on added complexity with geographical separation. It will sit on my bookshelf ready to be consulted when I need a solution or a perspective that takes into account the particular situation of a distance family.

Bridget Romanes
Principal, Mobile NZ
www.mobile-relocation.com

Im so glad that Helen wrote this book. Being away from parents is a challenge that accompanies so many in their expat experience (myself included!). Helen walks us through this journey with empathy, insights and reflections from researchers and her own valuable experience. Ill recommend it to my clients and I will consult it very often.

Gabriela Encina
Psychologist/Online Counseling for Women Abroad
www.gabriela-encina.com

How I wish Id had this book when I started living around the world as a Distance Daughter! Ellis offers rich reflection, useful resources, strategies for stronger communication, and paths to deeper connection with those we love. Essential for anyone considering a move overseas, or for any parent with expat children.

Margaret Davis Ghielmetti
Author of Brave(ish): A Memoir of a Recovering Perfectionist
www. margaretghielmetti.com

Helen Elliss book Being a Distance Son or Daughter a Book for ALL Generations leaves no stone unturned. This is a deeply comprehensive look at the challenges of being a distance son or daughter, including straight talk on anything from finance, in-laws, holiday visits to death. The gift in this book is that being armed with these informed perspectives allows us all to make the most of our relationships, no matter where we are.

Sundae Schneider-Bean, LLC
Intercultural Strategist and Podcaster
www.sundaebean.com

I have been a global citizen for much longer than I was a stationary citizen. Not fully belonging anywhere is a feeling I am comfortable with, and even crave if I stay too long in any one place. My husband and children understand this feeling, even if they experience it somewhat differently. My family and oldest friends love telling stories about my newest location but really know very little about my experiences. It has always been this way. Until I read Helens book, I was unaware that the way I felt and bumbled through my oldest relationships was common to serial expats. This book provided insight into how others have found solutions to navigate distant relationships in a way that can be mutually satisfying. As my own adult children start to scatter around the globe, I have the advantage of being able to experience their joy secondhand, combined with new knowledge on managing our future distant relationships. What an excellent life resource!

Ana McGinley
Author of Parental Guidance: Long Distance
Care for Aging Parents
www.parentalguidance.info

With Being a Distance Son or Daughter Helen manages to bring to life not only the different generations and points of view but also the reflections and learning that can come out of these complex relationships. This book is a wonderful addition to the mobile community and Helen shares with us intimate stories to bring light and give us tips on how to keep up with the changes in each life involved in this big family living apart but together.

Carolina Porto
International Transition Mentor
Author of Lar Mundo Afora and Un Hogar Lejos De Casa
www.carolinaporto.net

An incredibly rich and comprehensive resource for Distance Families! Ellis covers detailed aspects of expat family life and unpacks complicated emotions along this journey with empathy, depth, and reflection. This book often moved me to tears; some scenarios, especially those of navigating visits back home, were all too familiar as a distance daughter for over 20 years. This book belongs on the bookshelf of every expat who moves abroad!

Mariam Navaid Ottimofiore
Author of This Messy Mobile Life

Being a Distance Daughter and sibling now for over 23 years, I thought I had a pretty good understanding and enough experience on how to navigate my relationships. Helens book gave me new perspectives, different levels of understanding and an insight into topics and situations that I may or may not encounter in the future. Helen does not shy away from saying it as it is; the reality and raw truth of how one may be thinking or feeling, but not necessarily openly acknowledging, left me pondering on the past, present and future of my distance relationship with my parents and siblings. Thank you, Helen, for writing such an honest, thought provoking and supportive book. A must-read and one I will refer to often. I wish this had been written years ago!

Navine Eldesouki
Founder of Coffee with an Expat
www.coffeewithanexpat.com

To my family near and far.

Contents

FOREWORD

One of my greatest intellectual joys is when I come across something that sparks a Wow! Thats eye opening and thought provoking response. I had that reaction with Being a Distance Grandparent , Helen Elliss first book in her series about family members living abroad. Much to my delight, I experienced it again while reading the manuscript for this book, Being a Distance Son or Daughter .

The subtitle for both these books is A Book for ALL Generations , as it will be again for the forthcoming third book in the series, Being a Distance Grandchild . For that matter, although Helen focuses on an understanding of the relationships between out-of-country family members in unique and significant ways, I envision the series subtitle could be A Book for ANYONE Interested in Relationships .

As someone who has studied and written about relationships for many decades myself, I know that Helens academic background, research, personal experiences, insights, and a compilation of others anecdotes come together in powerful ways to help anyone be better at moving around a relationship.

Here is what I mean about moving around a relationship. If you are standing in front of a statue, for example, Rodins The Thinker, and I am standing behind it, our respective views in describing what we see will be quite different: one is seeing a pensive pose; the other is seeing buttocks and a spine. It is not until both of us have viewed the statue from shared angles and perspectives that we can begin to have a full appreciation of how each of us is experiencing what viewing the statue means. In other words, have empathy for the others viewpoint.