Kathleen Ruddy - You Only See the Stars at Night: A Memoir Told In Tweets

There is no more reliable witness than each man is to himself.

Montaigne

ISBN: 9781483508146

To Natalie, the sweetest star of all.

You Only See The Stars At Night

April 29, 1952: I am born, early. My mother delivers me, her first child, at 6:15 a.m., in Richmond Virginia. It was a long labor.

My mother is Italian and beautiful; my father is Irish handsome and charming. Hes a pilot. Shes a homemaker.

June 1, 1953: My first sister is born. Her name is Mary Ellen.

September 7, 1954: My second sister is born. Her name is Barbara. We now live in Alexandria, Virginia.

We children grow up orbiting a warring ellipse created by a man and a woman who are deeply disturbed and angry.

My mother, an industrious homemaker, irons everything in sight, including her apron. Dad seems a vision of adventure.

My first experiment, age 3: I put a bobby pin into a light socket while Dad sits nearby reading a newspaper.

Christmas, 1957: My paternal grandparents, Marge and Pop Pop come stay with us for the holidays. I love Marge.

Marge knits an outfit for my new baby doll, dresses her in it, and puts the doll on the sofa for me to find in the morning. True love.

September, 1958: First day of school. I am to attend St. Louis Catholic Elementary School. Im excited to be going somewhere.

I wait for the bus at the curb in front of my house, sitting in a little chair I place there right next to the mailbox.

A girl who doesnt know how to wait comfortably and patiently has no future.

1958-1962: Catholic school, ugh. I know my parents thought it was best, but only sin and guilt are taught or learned.

Largely, the nuns are loathsome and the priests remote. Seldom fun, often scary, they wring my spirit nearly dry.

April, 1960: Another sister is born. Her name is Maureen. We older three girls like to dress her up like a doll.

1962: We move to Florida where I get to go to public school. I cant believe the difference: to learn in freedom is sublime.

No one talks of sin, they talk of space - the Space Program. For the first time, I am completely happy and my spirits soar.

1963: I love Florida but Mom cant stand it, so we return to Virginia. I am crushed by grief: back down into the mine.

1965: Eighth grade. A brand new junior high school opens in my neighborhood and I get to go there. Thank God.

My first boyfriend, Stanley Page, lasts 3 weeks. Why? He wants a girl whos a whole lot prettier and 10 times dumber.

I am a straight A student schoolwork is always easy for me. But suddenly and subconsciously, I begin to fail all my exams.

My parents and teachers are baffled. I dont have a clue. I get labeled a delinquent, not knowing all I want is love.

1966: Freshman year, public high school. I run around and end up running with the wrong crowd.

1967: On the last day of school I meet David, a sophomore. Hes nice. On July 3, we start going steady. Its a brand new day.

That summer I grow beautifully, settle down, and thrive. I am happy. David and I are happy together. All is well, at last.

1968: I get straight As and David doesnt mind. Hes an Olympic-level diver with an incredible body that I admire and admire.

June, 1969: David has graduated and is attending Northern Virginia Community College, studying computer programming.

He decides to go away with his friends for the summer, leaves me behind and doesnt look back but expects me to remain steady.

I am crushed by inarticulate. I feel abandoned. Dont know why. I get a summer job to earn some money, kill some time.

Grant, the manager of the shoe store where I work, takes a shine to me. I am flattered and I flatter back.

David comes home to a shockingly cold shoulder and blows a gasket. Im afraid to tell him the truth: I want to break up.

With no ego or sense of self (let alone, self-worth), I collapse into deceit and despair, trying to keep David and Grant at bay.

My jealous sister finds irrefutable proof (in my room) of my involvement with Grant and delivers the evidence to David.

(Only years later do I learn from David of this Old Testament style fratricidal betrayal.)

Wild, David comes looking for me with the resolve of a homicidal maniac. I get wind of this and run away, to Grant.

August, 1969: Grant and I run away and marry. He is 23; I am 17. This insanity feels like a terrible deserved destiny.

I return home to pick up my clothes. My betraying, jealous sister gives me her new dress as a gift. I dont know why for years.

For two years, I was full of hopes and dreams and plans for a happy life. Now Im miserable and on the run. To what? From what?

September, 1969: Grant and I go to Georgia to live with his sister, Ina, and her 5 children while her husband, Harry, is in Vietnam.

Grant sells shoes at Whites and I get a job working the soda fountain at Woolworths. I learn how to do laundry.

October, 1969: I am pregnant. I am bewildered. I miss school and my friends. I have no idea what is going to happen to me.

Grant likes to drink it seems. Beer for breakfast, a fifth of rum after work. He wets the bed at night.

My father didnt drink at all. (His father was an alcoholic.) My mother rarely drank a beer. I cant see the alcoholism in Grant.

But soon enough I do. He drives home drunk. He gets fired from work. I am lost in the fog of confusion and pregnancy.

December, 1969: I leave my job at Woolworths; visibly pregnant women are not allowed. I watch soap operas.

April, 1970: C-section. The agony is a shock. Its a girl, Renee. My mother visits and when she leaves I cry.

September, 1970: We move back to Virginia to live with Grants parents. His father and brother are alcoholics too.

Grant gets a job at a gas station. He and his father drink beer for breakfast. His mother never complains, is always nice.

I get a job as a secretary. I just want to be young again and free. My husband is a drunken slob. My family doesnt speak to me.

December, 1970: We get an apartment on the poor side of town. Grants mother, Nana, takes care of Renee while we work.

Sometimes I go to the public library and check out books on interior design. I long for a beautiful home, a beautiful life.

I think maybe one day I will become a decorator. Its just a fantasy: it looks like I wont become anything at all.

April, 1971: I am pregnant again - again unplanned and unwanted. No job and no health insurance. I am very low.

I dont clean the house. I dont do the dishes. I hardly notice Renee. I am depressed. I have no words, only dark feelings.

Sometimes a book can save your life. Somewhere I find Sisterhood Is Powerful, an anthology of womens liberation.

I see the bars of the cage. I see I am inside. I intend to get out. I have no help. I must make my own escape.

May, 1971: I call my local health department. I tell them I am destitute and need prenatal care. They give me a clinic appointment.

Then a flyer comes in the mail about Adult Education classes. My exit strategy begins. I will get my high school diploma.

Grant complains, doesnt see the need for me to go back to school. He dropped out in eighth grade. Nana watches Renee for me.

July, 1971: I take a chemistry class. Summer school it is, and me, a slightly older pregnant kid. I have a blast and get an A.

September, 1971: I take 2 classes: Government and English Lit. Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Stein, Pound, wow!

January, 1972: Im 19 years old and 8 months pregnant, cared for in the Charity Clinic at Fairfax Hospital. And I have a diploma!

Sisterhood Is Powerful and a high school diploma have changed my life. Next, I need a job.

February, 1972: A daughter is born; I name her Charity. No one likes the name. They dont understand what it means to me.