Denise Roy - Momfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace

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Table of Contents

To all who bring the passion of a mother
to their work on behalf of the children
and of the planet

You have to find a mother inside yourself.
We all do. Even if we already have a mother,
we still have to find this part of ourselves inside.

Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

Introduction

So there I was, twenty-seven-years old, waddling down the aisle to the front of the church to receive my diploma. I carried my eighteen-month-old son in my arms and my soon-to-be-born second son in my belly.

After four years of studying at a seminary, I was receiving a Master of Divinity degree. I wanted to be a minister, to put into practice the teachings and values of love, compassion, forgiveness, peace. What I was just beginning to grasp, as a very new mother, was that my spiritual practice was ultimately not going to involve preaching to a choir but, rather, preaching to my kids! It was not going to take place primarily in a church, breaking bread and sharing wine; more often than not, it was going to take place in the kitchen serving up graham crackers and chocolate milk.

As the mother of four children (and the foster mom of a fifth), I can attest to the fact that motherhood leaves stretch marks on usin so many ways! I have been stretched physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. My limited notion of what constitutes a family has widened, and I have been pulled (sometimes kicking and screaming) into the present moment. Through great challenges and even greater love, my heart has grown to hold more than I ever thought possible.

Motherhood continues to stretch me to this day, and I see no end in sight. It teaches lessons that many spiritual disciplines teach: the transforming effect of true presence, the importance of close attention, the need for deep compassion, the celebration of embodiment, the recognition of the sacred in all things, and the power of community.

Momfulness is the word I use for this spiritual practice of conscious mothering. When we mother with mindfulness and compassion and a willingness to let this vocation awaken our hearts and transform our lives, we walk a spiritual path. We discover that care for our children and family is not a distraction from sacred practice but is the very essence of it.

My husband and I conceived of the word Momfulness at (appropriately enough) our kitchen table, and since then I keep discovering more and more what it means to be Momful. My oldest son Ben calls it entering the mama zone. That may be as good a characterization as any. Words cant capture its full meaning, because Momfulness is best understood through experience. The reflections and practices in this book are designed so that you can deepen conscious mothering in your own life.

And so I invite you to join me in exploring the spiritual practice of Momfulness, whether in the midst of sticky kisses or at the point of sheer exhaustion, at the moment when your heart is broken or at the point when it stretches wide open, as together we cultivate a mindful, compassionate, mothering presence with ourselves, with our children, and with our world.

Momfulness

I want to be straight with you. Momfulness is not about perfection. It is also not about motherhood as bliss. Nothing is bliss all the time. I love being a mom, and at the same time, motherhood can be incredibly grueling and frustrating, often pushing me to my limits.

Momfulness is also not about adding another thing to your to-do lists. So if you think youre too busy to engage in a spiritual practice, think again. You can do this right where you are. If youre steeped in dirty diapers, if youre dealing with acting-out teenagers, if youre trying to balance work and home and it feels like you have time for neither, this is the practice for you.

You cant practice Momfulness by sitting on a meditation cushion all day (not that theres much danger of that happening!). Momfulness is practiced in the trencheswhile carpooling and cooking, working and waiting, crying and celebrating. Sometimes it will mean carving out moments of solitude and stillness so that you can listen to your heart and your deepest longings, but most of the time it will mean learning how to meditate in motion in the midst of your family life.

A Beginning Definition

So what is Momfulness? Let me offer a beginning definition, and then well briefly look at some of the key concepts:

Momfulness is the spiritual practice of cultivating
a mindful, compassionate, mothering presence.

Momfulness Is Mindful

Simply put, mindfulness is being aware of whatever is happening in the present moment without making any judgment. We observe what is happening here, now, including in our own body and mind. Are we feeling boredom? Anger? Fear? Delight? Are we telling ourselves how things should or should not be? Just notice it all. When we are mindful, we become aware and accepting of whatever is there.

Whats not so simple is the actual practice of mindfulness. I dont know about you, but I probably spend 98.9 percent of my life not having a clue about what is really happening in this present moment. As moms, we have gazillions of thoughts: we worry, we feel stress, we become attached to life going a certain way. We race from one job to another without being in touch with our bodies or with what we need. Many days we barely make eye contact with our family. We tend to live mindlessly, caught up in the world of our thoughts, judgments, and obligations. We think that this is reality, and we end up missing so much.

See if you can spend a day, or even a few minutes, eavesdropping on your mind. My guess is that youll discover a continual tape recording going on in your head. You might be thinking about something that happened yesterday, or you might be worrying about something that could happen tomorrow. You might be telling yourself that youre not good enough, smart enough, or thin enough, or that your child is spoiled. Just relax and be curious about it all.

In this book well be doing a number of practices that can help us be more mindful in our daily lives. These, however, are just a beginning. There are many other valuable resources that can help you develop a mindfulness practice, and I encourage you to explore some for yourself.

Momfulness Is Compassionate

The English word compassion comes from the Latin, meaning to suffer with. It is defined as a deep awareness of the suffering of another, together with the wish to relieve it. In Hebrew, the word for compassion is raham, which comes from the word rehem, meaning womb. To be compassionate is to feel for another with your womb, to hold the person with love, as you might hold a child in your womb.

In practicing Momfulness, we cultivate compassion, not only for others but also for ourselves. We increase our ability to see our own sufferinghow tired we are, how hard we are working, how much we dont know. We develop the capacity to forgive ourselves, to love ourselves, and to give ourselves some of what we need. Our hearts open, and we make friends with even the most difficult experiences of our lives.

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