HogWild - The Sh*tfaced Games: A Shot at Glory and Gold for the Wasted Warrior

Game 6

Beer-Run Sprint

Its time to make a beer run!

How to Play

Alcohol Athlete 1 holds a full cup of beer in each hand and runs to his teammate, who is waiting for his beers. If the runner spills any beer on the ground or floor (it helps to have a referee), he must stop immediately and chug one beer.

I suggest using a normal cup of beer and not the big stein they give you at Oktoberfest.

NOTE: In Germany everything is big: the beer, the pretzels, and the aspirations for global domination.

Then he continues the run.

After the hand-off Alcohol Athlete 2 runs to hand off to Alcohol Athlete 3, who runs toward the finish line!

This game can, of course, work with more or less runners so long as each team has the same number of Alcohol Athletes.

All members of the losing teams must chug a beer to prepare for the re-match!

For an extra challenge, dont let anyone use the bathroom. The running will get funnier as people are doing the pee-pee dance!

I wonder why the pee-pee dance works. I think theres a simple scientific explanation: when you shift your weight back and forth, the urine held in your bladder does not permit itself to be discharged from the urethra because it says, Oh, its been so long since Ive been dancing! This is fun! Finally, a chance to shake my groove thang! Im not leaving!

Game 7

The Jerk and Clean

The clean and jerk is a weightlifting competition. In college I once came back home to catch my dorm mate practicing this event. He was watching instructional videos on the Internet. Awww! Ha ha!

In this drinking game version you will be doing the Jerk and Clean in a race against your competitors.

How to Play

Each team has a player who will jerk and clean while his or her teammate will attempt to swallow beer.

Player 1 gets on his knees, ready to receive a nice head of beer. Referees oversee the action and shout, On your mark, get set, jerk!

Player 2 then jerks a closed can of beer ten times and pours it down into the mouth of Player 1 as fast as possible to win the race.

The winning team will be first to finish the entire beer and have a clean face with no beer on it. So jerk quickly, swallow fast, then clean your face!!

NOTE: I once saw a guy, after winning a weightlifting competition, actually bend down to kiss the weights. Man, if that guy is so affectionate with his weights, imagine what he does with his Nautilus Machine!

Game 8

Shots Fired!

There are many shooting games involving rifles and handguns. But Im not gonna have you shoot while drinking! Because if theres one thing this book is about, its personal safety.

So you cant shoot while wasted, but you will get the next best thing to shooting: the sound of shots fired!

How to Play

Begin by stretching to get your body limber for this athletic event. And by stretching, I mean stretching your throat open to chug a beer.

Each team gets an equally sized, large sheet of bubble wrapthe bigger the better.

The entire team helps to pop every single bubble. The first team to announce they have finished wins! But if the other team can find even one bubble that the first team missed, Team 1 is disqualified and Team 2 wins instead.

Every member of the losing team must drink a shot.

Play multiple rounds!

And remember, stay safe while drinking and safe while sha-boinking. In fact, put bubble wrap over your fun parts. That way when youre having sex, itll sound like youre making popcorn!

Game 9

Its a Horse Race!

There are many beautiful horse races and presentation events to honor the worlds greatest equestrian athletes. Think of the proud, refined history and art of horse riding as you proceed to act like a horses ass.

How to Play

Each team has one player down on all fours as the horse, with a second player riding on top of him as the jockey. The jockey must hold a can of beer while riding.

If the jockey falls off the horse, the horse must immediately stop and wait for the jockey to remount.

The first team to cross the finish line is the winner. The losers must neigh like angry horses and chug a beer.

Ya know, being a jockey isnt easy. Consider how difficult it is for him to find a beautiful and intelligent maiden to marry. Hes barely five feet tall, and his career is spent staring at the rear end of the horse in front of him. Poor guy. Maybe thats why jockeys are known to have quick, angry tempers. I knew a jockey who was hot headed yet cold as ice. He disappeared in a cloud of condensation.

Game 10

Giant Sloshed Slalom

Snowboarding giant slalom is a race against competitors down the mountain between the poles.

WINTER GAMES FACTOID: Organizers of the 2010 Winter Games were upset when snowboarders used the Olympic Torch to light up a joint.

This drinking game version calls for a flat, paved, open space such as a parking lot, empty street, or basketball court.

NOTE TO IDIOTS: Do not play drinking games on a flat, paved space that happens to be the roof of a building. Drinking and falling off a building is so clich. Its okay to be a drunk a-hole, but dont be an unoriginal a-hole!

NOTE TO SELF: Why did I just say a-hole when, clearly, anybody who has purchased this book will not be offended if I use a naughty word to reference the colons exhaust pipe?

How to Play

Two or more teams must race to be the first team to cross the finish line. Each team will have two participants.

Player 1 sits on a skateboard representing the snowboard. Player 2 pushes Player 1 to the finish line.

Player 1, while sitting on the skateboard, must hold a beer and completely finish it before crossing the finish line. The only place you may pour the beer is down your throat. You may only consume the beer while the skateboard is in motion. The speed you go is up to you.

If Player 1 falls off the skateboard, the team loses.

Remember: before crossing the finish line you must finish the beer or you are disqualified. The losing team chugs beers.

For an extra challenge create a course with flags just like the snowboard giant slalom that requires the teams to make turns. Or have the teams race around in a square shape from start to finish while staying inside the flags.

For extra fun, if you live in a cold winter climate, make the losing team perform fellatio on a snowmans green pickle dick.

CONSERVATION NOTE: After you eat the pickles, dont discard the juice in the jar! Freeze it to create pickle popsicles! Give them to all the kids who aggravate you!

Game 11

Beer Bobsleigh

Bobsleigh is the winter sport in which two men lay down to squeeze themselves romantically together into a giant penis.

How to Play

Make two or more ramps by using a half-pipe of PVC or something similar and nontoxic. You can also use a large, flat tray, a large basin, or a bath tub. Fill the half-open piping with beautiful beer. Tape a paper flag to a toothpick and stick it into a marshmallownow your marshmallow has a sail. Float the marshmallow in the beer.

Teammate 1 blows the marshmallow down the beer-filled piping or tray full of beer. Its extra cool if the piping goes around corners.