Duane Swierczynski - The Perfect Drink for Every Occasion: 151 Cocktails That Will Freshen Your Breath, Impress a Hot Date, Cure a Hangover, and More!

I drink when I have occasion and sometimes when I have no occasion.

MIGUEL DE CERVANTES

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly, and they use too much vermouth. Steve Allen

Most of what Ive learned about drinking has been accidental.

There was that time in college when I was 19 and trying desperately not to get carded at a jazz club in Philadelphia. I tried to think of the most adult drink imaginable, something that would make the waitress believe I was a 25-year-old hard bop aficionado, not some underaged joker. After much deliberation to the wailing sax of a John Coltrane tune, I came up with the answer. Vodka and cranberry juice, I ordered proudly. The waitress rolled her eyes. I was shut down faster than a restaurant with a rat problem. I never heard the end of that Coltrane tune.

A few years later, I was nursing a miserable summer cold. In some fevered fugue state I recalled my grandfather Lous age-old advice about how Southern Comfortat least I think it was Southern Comfortwhen mixed with warm honey and a squeeze of lemon juicewas it lemon juice?would ease the symptoms of any cold. Being a bachelor, I didnt have any honey or lemon juice. (And I didnt think a silver packet of Ramen Noodle flavoring would do the trick.) So I skipped the fancy add-ons and had a shot of SoCo, neat. Bad move. Not only did the SoCo not ease any of my symptoms, it added a completely new one: extreme nausea.

I could go on and on. Years later stillwhen I finally thought I knew something about the world and my place in itI stopped by a coworkers Halloween party. My co-worker had a good 30 years on me; she was a respected veteran of the industry. So I decided against showing up in a costume. Excellent move on my part: Everyone at the partywho had, collectively, a good 492 years on mewas dressed in tasteful, casual evening wear. I was feeling very pleased with myself until someone asked me what Id like to drink. Id love a beer, I said. A beer? asked my hostess, with a hint of sadness and quite possibly pity. I dont think weGeorge, do we have beer? I dont think we have beer. My son Robert used to drink beer, but we havent had any around the apartment for a while now. As I waited to be shown to the Little Kids Table, I realized that Id worn a Halloween costume after all: pre-professional loser.

The thing is, everything Ive learned about drinking, Ive learned the hard way. If only there had been a book that could have tipped me off in advance, I could have avoided these tough lessons. If only there wereoh I dont knowsome handy, witty, affordably priced hardcover book published by Quirk Books ($14.95, ISBN 978-1-59474-507-2) that laid out a series of perfect drinks for every possible occasion, things might have been different for me. For instance, I would have known what to ).

Fortunately, things will be different for you. Thats because you, my friend, are holding a copy of The Perfect Drink for Every Occasion in your hands. (Note: If the above paragraph is missing or blacked out with a marker, thats because someone bought this book for you as a gift and doesnt want you to know how much he/she spent. Too badit was $14.95. Cheap!)

The Perfect Drink is the MacGyver of booze books: a truly handy tool that can bail you out of virtually any social situation with only a bottle of Absolut, some chewing gum, and six inches of string. How many times have you stood at a bar, wanting to try something new, but not knowing where to start? Or tried to impress someone with a trendy cocktail-of-the-moment but ended up ordering what you always order? Or been on tour with Don Rickles and he asks you to shake him up something, you blithering moron? These kinds of situations crop up all the time. With The Perfect Drink, youll always have your (gl)ass covered.

When I started writing this book, I vowed not to make yet another boring cocktail guide. Many drink recipe books are simply lists, with no context, no history, no rationale, and certainly no humor. (Unless youre the kind of person who giggles when you read the words Sloe Comfortable Screw.) What good is that? Who ever opened up a drink recipe book at random and said, Hmmm, gee, that Saskatoon Stinger sure sounds interesting. I believe Ill try me a tumbler of that! No. You learn about a new drink when youre out at a bar and a friend orders something interesting, because theres almost always a cool story behind the drink. Or you learn about a new drink when youre traveling and order an exotic native delight. Or you learn about a new drink when youre dating someone new and youre introduced to his or her favorite tipple. So consider The Perfect Drink to be your new best friend, or even an exotic vacation, of sorts. (Just dont consider this book to be your new loverbehavior like that is prohibited in most states.)

I hope you enjoy The Perfect Drink and can avoid some of the stupid mistakes Ive made and maybe even learn a little something about cocktails and responsible drinking. Which reminds me of the most important drinking lesson of all: Booze isnt the answer to everything.

But you know, it really does make the question seem less important.

CONVERTING MEASUREMENTS

If youre mixing a in Moscow or anywhere else in the metric world, a splash is still a splash. As for the rest, well, heres the math:

1 teaspoon = 5 milliliters

1 tablespoon = 15 milliliters

1 ounce = 30 milliliters

1 cup = nearly liter

Youll find mini-sidebars scattered throughout this book, paired with the appropriate drink. They come in three varieties:

THE DRINK TO AVOID IN THIS SITUATION: Booze no-nos. Just as there are perfect drinks for every occasion, there are some downright hideous choices for these occasions, too. Drinking the wrong cocktail can result in injury, death, a jail term in the Deep South, deportation, and/or a really embarrassing tattoo on a sensitive part of your body. Take our advice and just say no to these.

THE PERFECT DRINKING GAME FOR THIS SITUATION: Like vermouth, drinking games should be used sparingly. But sometimes a particular occasion requires a suitable diversion. Such as any event with your mother-in-law in attendance.

MIX IT RIGHT: These notes on specific liquors, garnish, and/or technique can vastly improve your drink. But if youre already mixing your fourth or fifth cocktail, you can pretty much skip these suckers.