Amy Sedaris - Simple Times, Crafts For Poor People

Simple Times

Simple times of yonder floating through my yesteryear.

The five & dime, an old church chime, simple times held dear.

Creaky wooden porch swings, main street marching bands,

Ice cream shops, thick muttonchops, and as always Grandmas hands.

A wizened chaotic tangle of stiff and knotted joints

Gnarledly curled, not quite unfurled, as she tries to point.

There is a simple tale to be told by Grandmas hands.

Worm-like veins dont speak in vain of all the years theyve spanned.

Shakily scooping ice cream from cardboard carton gallons,

Frail and brittle, twistedly little, are these feeble talons.

When being clutched by Grandmas claw, I feel no need to convince her

The simple times, conveyed in rhymes, by her cold and boney pincer.

Gene Woodchuck

NEW YORK BOSTON

Copyright 2010 by Amy Sedaris

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S.

Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may

be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form

or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system,

without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Grand Central Publishing

Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

www.HachetteBookGroup.com

First e-book edition: March 2014

Grand Central Publishing is a division

of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The Grand Central Publishing name and logo

is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

eISBN: 978-1-4555-8443-7

Designed by Lenny Naar

Hello, fellow crafters! What a wonderful opportunity for us to get to know

each other, but be forewarned, this will be the only opportunity, because after

this introduction, there will be little time for frivolous cordialities. Its

going to be all about cutting, gluing, and hammering. So lets take a moment

now, shall we? Obviously you know me, my name is stitched on the cover. Still

unsure? Perhaps this will help: I am the adorable best-selling author of the

thoughtfully hard-hitting tome on hospitality, I Like You . Im guessing that

information has cleared some cobwebs. As for me knowing you, why dont we

make things easy, and call you Twinkles. So, Twinkles, whats all this then

about me writing more books when we both know I should be resting

on my laurels? Well, after I changed the way the world entertains, I figured

why not do the same for crafting?

Its often been said that ugly people craft and attractive people have

sex. This book is not going to dispel that ridiculous fact. Rather, it will

accept the well-documented, scientifically sound research done on the subject

and move on, because regardless of how you look, this book is not here to

judge, it is about the joy of crafting!

Crafting, or making things, has always been a delightful pastime of

mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve

a lovely something that nobody needs. But is it okay to make things?

Its natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left

unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

But there is one urge that should always be encouraged to blossom the creative

urge! Yes, it is healthy to want to make things, but that desire without

guidance can lead to foreclosure, incest, and forest fires. Too often

instruction for crafting is gutter-learned. Convoluted half-baked lessons

picked up from street corners, back alleys, and scouting. Simple Times will

provide crafters with the proper guidance, much like a parole officer. But

this book is much more than a supervisor for crafting offenders; hopefully

it will also inspire you, helping to spark or trigger new creative thoughts

leading to a vast array of hastily constructed obscure d'arts.

Although this book is marketed toward sane, intelligent adults frankly,

thats where the money is should it fall into the hands of the mentally

challenged, it will do them no harm. Conversely, it will speak to them

directly, addressing their special needs. For any educated, well-adjusted

adult can glue Popsicle sticks together to create a cold plate trivet, but

try the same simple task while hampered by a defective brain, and you will

understand the full breadth of crafting.

This book includes an infinite* assortment of projects that utilize

a wide range of skills and are inspired by many cultures, spanning from

a Mexican Knife Sheath to a Mexican Sombrero. But most importantly,

these projects will engage everybody: the sane, the not so sane, those

hobbled with disabilities, those on the lam anybody whos looking

for a simple, creative way to kill a lot of time. And lets face it,

we all have some time that needs to be killed.

Sincerely,

* actual number of projects determined by amount

of space and authors level of fatigue