Brown - Body of Truth: How Science, History, and Culture Drive Our Obsession with Weight--and What We Can Do about It

PRAISE FOR BRAVE GIRL EATING

Brown tells the story of her familys battle with anorexia, the demon that suddenly possesses her bright, pretty daughter, Kitty. Brown carefully amasses facts about anorexia and the effects of starvation in between bouts at the dinner table as Kitty refuses to eat and, occasionally, hides her food. At the crux of Browns affecting and informative memoir is the idea that anorexia can happen to any family and that it can be defeated through determination and love, even though Brown recognizes that permanent success can be elusive. Booklist

As a woman who once knew the grip of a life-controlling eating disorder, I held my breath reading Harriet Browns story. As a mother of daughters, I wept for her. Then cheered.

Joyce Maynard, author of Labor Day

What sets this book apart is the authors incorporation of clinical research findings from the field of eating disorders into the story of one familys struggle... [A] compelling story of family strength and an inspiring story for all of us committed to treating individuals with eating disorders.

Evelyn Attia, MD, Director, Center for Eating Disorders, Columbia University Medical Center, Weill Cornell Medical College

One of the most up to date, relevant and honest accounts of one familys battle with the life-threatening challenges of anorexia. Brown has masterfully woven science, history, and heart throughout this compelling and tender story. Brave Girl Eating was fortunate to have one brave family.

Lynn S. Grefe, Chief Executive Officer, National Eating Disorders Association

Harriet Brown is an intelligent, elegant writer and this book offers both solace and useful information for families struggling with eating disorders. Audrey Niffenegger

Also by Harriet Brown

Brave Girl Eating: A Familys Struggle with Anorexia

Edited by Harriet Brown

Feed Me!: Writers Dish About Food, Eating, Weight, and Body Image

Mr. Wrong: Real-Life Stories About the Men We Used to Love

Copyright 2015 by Harriet Brown

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210

Set in 11 point Fairfield LT Standard by the Perseus Books Group

Cataloging-in-Publication data for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

First Da Capo Press edition 2015

ISBN: 978-0-7382-1770-3 (e-book)

Published by Da Capo Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

www.dacapopress.com

Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the author or Da Capo Press. The author and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book.

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail .

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated, with love, to all the women in my life, but especially to my daughters and to Ellyn Satter

I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat.

Lance Armstrong, to the wife of a former teammate

CONTENTS

Thanks to Rebecca Garden, Pamela Reilly, Erik Ness, and Stephanie Fetta for reading chapters along the way and giving me excellent feedback.

Thanks as always to Miriam Altshuler, who truly midwifed this book into being. She believed in it from the start and insisted I get it right. I hope I have.

Thanks to my amazing editor, Rene Sedliar, who is a woman of uncommon perception, insight, and foresight, and to the whole team at Da Capo.

And finally thanks to Jamie, who puts up with my worst qualities and brings out my best ones.

On a sticky summer evening back in the 1990s, I sit in a chair in a therapists office and cry. My body, I tell her, is too fleshy, too hungry, too uncontained. It doesnt look like the bodies I see five hundred times a dayonline, on TV, in magazines, and on billboards. It doesnt look the way its supposed to, the way I want it to. There have been years when it did, when I weighed and measured and wrote down everything I ate, worked out twice a day, pummeled my body into shape. Inevitably, though, it reverts to its natural state. Like now, when its thirty or forty pounds heavier than I want it to be. Than it should be.

Im here because I want someone to fix me. Specifically, to tell me how to regain control of my body (and, yes, the brain that goes with it). This therapist runs a ten-week program thats supposed to help people with eating issues. I hope shes going to teach me how to control my appetite again, something I was better at in my twenties. Now, more than a decade later, after three pregnancies and a whole lot of living, I just cant seem to do it anymore. So I sit in the chair, leaking tears of self-pity, and wait for the therapist to break out the Kleenex and reassure me that yes, its OK, shell help me lose weight, we will take care of this together.

She does hand me a box of tissues. But she doesnt murmur soothingly. Instead, she leans back in her chair and looks at me. This woman in her fifties with spiky dark hair, a soft stomach, and stocky legs bridges the space between us with an expression I cant quite read. Pity? Sorrow? Judgment? Sweat slides down the back of my neck as I wait for her to save me. A long moment goes by, and then she says something unimaginable, something that will change my life, though I dont know it yet.

What if you were OK with your body the way it is right now? she asks.

I stare at her. What I want to say is Are you fucking nuts? I mean, thats why Im here, because Im not OK with it. Does she want me to have a heart attack or stroke or get diabetes because Im too fat? Does she know how much time Ive wasted crying in front of the mirror? Does she think I want to look like her for the rest of my life?