Janet Dr - Get Married This Year: 365 Days to I Do

365 Days to I Do

get
married
this year

Janet Blair Page, PhD

Creator of the acclaimed I Will Be Married in a Year course

Dedication

Dedicated to my clients and students. It is their successes that have fueled and inspired my desire to write Get Married This Year in order to help many more women find their dream mate.

Acknowledgments

My deeply loved daughters Tasha and Liz and sons-in law Eric and Ian have been my idea people, critics, supporters, and fans. Mary Beth Chappell, my agent at Zachary, Shuster, and Harmsworth, has been extraordinarily generous with her time and caring and has been indispensable to creating and finishing the book. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, and the friends who are family to me have indefatigably been asking me how the book is going for years, have always cared about the answer, and provided continual support. Special thanks to Jim Black, Dr. Len Buccellato, Ken Spooner, Marie Masters, and Dr. Cedric Suzman for their guidance and for keeping me on track and to Mary Cobb Bugg Callahan, founder of Evening at Emory and creator of the class concept.

Introduction

After having some difficulty drawing her out in conversation, Sarahs date told her that she reminded him of tofu: no personality unless you flavored it. He said he meant to be funny. Sarah reported him to their singles matching service.

Vickie was excited to go on a blind date set up by mutual friends, but halfway through the first latte, she made her dating requirements very clear. She expected flowers at least twice a week, phone calls twice a day, and on weekends she intended to spend Friday through Sunday at his place. Her date decided not to take the job offer.

Mary Jo wanted a connected and committed relationship, but tended to unload every problem, neurosis, and life disadvantage she had onto a potential date the minute they met. The mere availability of an appealing man triggered her barrage of bad news her spotty employment record, estranged dysfunctional family, and sometimes off the chart Adult Dysfunctional Disorder behaviors. What she saw as putting everything out in the open right away, men saw (quite accurately) as her attempt to discourage them from asking her out.

In a misguided attempt at seduction, Amie stood in front of her lover naked and told him that he had better make it good because it sure hadnt been very satisfying the last time. His performance was limited.

Believe it or not: life really is stranger than fiction. These stories are real. I know because Ive met the women involved in each and every one of them. Not surprisingly, the techniques described above had an abysmal success rate, which made the people using them feel like complete romantic failures. Now, behind such major bloopers and even more minor ones are almost always insecurity and a lot of anxiety that have to be dealt with. But with a little help and some fear busting, dating skill building, and communication training even these dating-challenged ladies got on track and found their perfect partners. And if they can do it, so can you.

How can I help you find your happily ever after? In 1984, I began teaching a course at Emory University in Atlanta called Before a Year Is Over, Ill Be Married, and it was a hit from the very beginning. You may not realize it, but while the way people meet and date has changed drastically over the last three decades, the problems that women face in their relationships havent changed at all; women still feel as though theyre not meeting enough eligible people, or if they are, they keep facing the same relationship roadblocks over and over again. As a psychotherapist divorced, widowed, and remarried myself Im not only able to empathize with many of these women, Ive personally been on the same path, and have my own backlog of bloopers. But Ive also experienced the joys of a good marriage, and its the most wonderful way I can think of to spend a life. That said, you can trust me when I tell you that changing the way you think about and approach marriage is easier said than done. But my hope is that you can learn from the mistakes that my students, clients, and I have made before making your own. This book offers the depth of experience that Ive gathered in the hopes that you will be able to use it to find a happy, healthy, and lasting relationship with the man of your dreams.

In the chapters to follow, youll learn everything you need to know to become happy with yourself, to get your life ready for a lasting relationship, and to find, court, and keep a man. Youll learn how to meet eligible, commitment-worthy people who are both desirable and available, and youll work to define what eligible and commitment-worthy actually mean for you. Youll also understand how to market yourself, become a smart shopper, develop your action plan, and feel confident that youll stay with your partner for the long run. This is a personal journey and a personal book; youll have to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what you really want, need, and desire. As such, this is also a very interactive book so be sure to always have a pen or pencil handy. I encourage you to answer the questions on these pages; make notes, highlight, do whatever you need to do to get the most out of Get Married This Year and yourself.

Youll notice that the marriage track described throughout the book is divided into twelve sections each section represents a month. But you dont need to get married in a year, or thirteen months, or fourteen months. Simply getting married off isnt the goal here. Instead, focus on marrying well. The importance of setting a time frame for your goal is in direct relationship to your achieving it. This twelve-month deadline pushes you to make time in your life to meet, date, court, and mate. So start your work with the idea of getting married in a year, but dont worry if your time frame turns out to be longer or shorter. A great deal depends on where you already are in your search.

If you still think a deadline and time frame sound desperate or hurried, think about this: if you were looking for a job, youd take the time to make sure your rsum was in order, youd look terrific for the interview, and youd be sure you had all the skills the company was looking for in great abundance. Finding a suitable mate may be the most important job search on which youll ever embark, so youll want to make sure your self-marketing skills are at their peak.

With all of the positive changes youll be making to reach your goal, the coming year should be the best of your life (so far). In these twelve months, you have the opportunity to learn more about yourself and your relationships with others. The lessons you learn will be helpful in your future marriage, but youll also reap the benefits in your work and friendships. Gather supporters around you; but please remember that you are your own best friend. The attitude you carry with you makes all the difference in the world, so congratulate yourself on every accomplishment. Your core challenge is to accept and embrace the necessity and excitement of a new beginning. And remember, love isnt simply a state of being or a feeling love is an action verb. So start working and good luck!

PART 1

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

One thing you know about your dating life is that what you are doing now isnt working. Pieces of it may be successful, but something about your attitude, self-confidence, self-awareness, time allocation, selection process, and/or social networking (online and in real life) leaves room for improvement. And self-improvement is just what youre going to learn in this chapter. Prepare yourself for a scrupulously honest assessment of yourself and what changes you need to make, your current happiness and satisfaction levels, interpersonal skills, and capacity for giving and receiving love in your life. Some of it may be hard, but if youre honest with yourself along the way, youll be glad you decided to go along for the ride. The changes you choose to both make and act on will not only benefit you in all areas of your life, but will also ensure that with every step you take, you increase the probability of success in attracting a dream mate with similar capabilities to relate and love. Lets get started!