House - Drown the Boy

DROWN THE BOY

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Kyler Doss

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Fish n Chip Newsprint House

Smashwords Edition

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Copyright 2013 by Kyler Doss

All rights reserved

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ISBN 978-1-938181-11-5

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DROWNTHE BOY by Kyler Doss

Nothing will get you closer to a boy you likethan drowning him in Shepherd's Pond.

I found out how real the drowning scene iswhen I pulled a kid out of the pond last year. Now I can't stopthinking about him, and I want to go back there with him. I knowwhat that means - that I could kill him - but it's the only way Iknow how to get close to him.

He was about the same age as me, which was 15then, 16 now. I haven't seen him since that night in November, andtoday is the first day of July. During the months that have comeand gone, I've thought about what he was doing in the water. I wantto know if he was drowning by accident or if he was trying to killhimself. And I want to know if he thinks about me the way I thinkabout him. I don't have any idea who he is other than he told mehis name was Larry.

This afternoon I'm back at the pond. I seemto come here a lot these days. I'm standing in the deepest place,but you need to know there's not a single drop of water this timeof year. It fills up with the heavy rain in October. Come November,you can count on about 5 feet of water. Around Christmas, itfreezes over and a lot of the kids go ice-skating on it.

The place I'm standing is about where thatkid was when I got to him. This day gives me nothing but silence.No water, no voices. The boy I found is gone, but I am not going toaccept that as my fate.

I was drowning here once myself when I was 7.It was by accident because I wasn't even supposed to be here. Andthe thought never occurred to me that someone would actually wantto drown. I came here alone at sunset, and I never told anybodywhat happened. Probably because I would get in trouble, but alsobecause I felt like a moron for falling in.

It was a high school kid who fished me out.We were the only two people at the pond at the time. He offered totake me home to my parents, but I told him I was okay. I never sawhim again. If he was like the other kids around here, then he gotout of town as soon as he graduated and never looked back.

I did tell him thank you, so it wasn't likewe had any unfinished business. He seemed nice. I remember how helooked in my face like no one ever did. I think he was happy that Iwasn't dead. It felt good, him holding my shoulders. I felt closerto him than I ever thought was possible. I liked him a lot. Then hesaid goodbye and told me to always be careful.

I walked home thinking about his advice, andI got caught in a rainstorm. That was lucky because I didn't have astory to tell my parents about how I got all wet. But when you'reout on the open land, there is no place to hide. So if you comehome with your clothes soaking wet, nobody asks any questions.

We ate our dinner the night of the rainstormlike everything was normal. I remember thinking that as long as thehigh school boy didn't talk, no one had to know I almost drowned.It wasn't something I wanted to talk about. It was between him andme. He had taken care of what happened, and it didn't need to goany further.

That's kind of how I feel now about this kidthat I got out of the pond last November. I haven't told anybodymuch about it. I'm protecting his secret, and I guess I'mprotecting mine, too. I don't want a reputation for being involvedwith one or two cases of drowning at Shepherd's Pond, especially ifthere is a third one to come, maybe the one that ends it all.

If the high school kid told anybody aboutsaving me, he didn't know my name. I'm just glad he didn't ask mefor it because I would have told him the truth. The truth wouldhave gotten me in trouble, but I would not have had the good senseto lie.

So now I'm trying to figure out what to doabout the kid that I myself saved. I can't seem to just let it go.I want something out of it, something weird. Like I want to tellhim that the two of us, him and me, could go there this comingNovember and drown ourselves together. That's not exactly what Ishould want to tell him but when it plays in my head, sometimesthat's how it plays.

The other way it plays is that I tell him Iwant to get to know him. It sounds so cheesy. Which is why I end uptelling him we could drown together. The drowning seems morerealistic. He would say yes. I suppose I could drown him first,with a promise I would drown myself second, then never do it. Thatwould be cheesy in its own way, but at least it would put an end tothe obsession I have for this kid.

I think I really like him. It was so darkthat night you could hardly see his face. But his voice soundedlike fear, like somebody who needed me in the worst way possible. Iliked that idea, and now I associate it with him. I sort of needhim, too, in the worst way possible. Maybe he could drown me andthen go on about his business in the world. If he is a sophomorelike me, his place in the world is a couple years away. I wonderwhat he wants to do with his life.

Me, I don't want to do anything. I'll do whatI have to, but the only thing I want to do does not involve money.I want to find that kid. And then it seems like somebody has todie, although I hope that isn't really true. It's just that I can'tsee any other way out.

When I picture myself telling him I like him,the movie just stops. It won't play beyond a point. I don't want tohear his answer because I might not be the one he's lookingfor.

I'll tell you what I want in this world. Iwant to make a connection with somebody, somebody a lot like him. Ihave this belief that it's not possible, but that doesn't changethe way I feel.

You could say I made a connection with thehigh school kid who saved me from drowning. I suppose so. Maybe youhave to save someone from drowning before they will like you. Thekid that I saved, he owes me one. He is obligated to like me.

If I took a wild guess, I would say his hairis a light color. And I would say he brings a deep blue spirit tothis place. This is farmland. And where it isn't irrigated, this isdesert. I would say that boy is the focus of my life becausesomething intense happened between us and I want something intenseto happen between us again.

I've been searching for him at school. I lookin the faces of the kids in the hall, and I pay attention to thevoices of everyone in my classes. So far, nothing. I know he'staller than average, but that's about all I know. I'm gettingdesperate because school is almost out, and it was in school whereI thought I could track him down.

When he told me his name was Larry, I didn'treally believe it. I ended up working at Larry's Burgers Deluxe,though, just because of him. I mean, the restaurant is the onlyhint of a connection that I have to him in this world. Whenever Iwalk in there, like I will in a few minutes, I see that name upagainst the blue sky, many feet above the highway.

My walk from the pond is almost done. Therestaurant sits on the two-lane highway outside of town, across theroad from a restaurant that sells hot dogs. I don't really likeworking at Larry's because Josephine, the manager, is such a lousyversion of a human being, but I do it for the kid who told me hisname was Larry.

I did ask some people at school if they knewof a Larry almost my height and with hair that was a light color,which I shouldn't have said because it sounded suspicious. Like hishair color would mean something to me. I don't know, maybe itdoes.

Anyway, they wanted to know why I wanted tofind him. I didn't want to tell them that, so I stopped askingaround for a while. But I did say it out loud when I would visitthe pond and imagine those conversations.

I would say, "Because I don't see how I canlive without him." Yeah, I kind of surprised myself with that, butthen not when you consider how far away I am from everybody I everknew. I get along fine with my parents and my teachers, plus a lotof the kids at school. I know Chuck and Geoffrey and other kids,too. On paper, I'm not supposed to be anywhere near as lonely as Iactually am.