Carroll - Can I sit on your lap while youre pooping?: actual quotes from an actual toddler to her father

AN EXPLANATION FOR THE EXISTENCE OF CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP WHILE YOURE POOPING? I think I can speak on behalf of parents everywhere in saying that babies are super boring. But when my daughter, Morgan, stopped being a baby and started talking, things got interesting. Talking is how she tried to figure everything out. And the way I talked back to her wasand still isvery honest and open. I considered it a noble way to engage with a curious child, but, in hindsight, it may have contributed to her early preoccupation with having David Bowies babies and, also, my imminent death. As a single dad (or whatever you call a man who spends half his time raising a kid by himself), I had no one nearby to raise my eyebrows at, or whisper Holy crap did you hear that? whenever Morgan said something especially weird or bizarrely insightful.

Instead, I wrote down the things she said and shared them with family and friends. After a while, it started to feel like this collection of quotes might be valuable, like a portrait or a home movie, so I organized them into this book. I dont know what kind of woman Morgan will become, but hopefully that woman will one day read the things she said and A) forgive her dad for finding yet another way to embarrass her, B) recognize herself in the crazy, amazing ways she looked at the world when she was just starting to figure it all out, and C) not hook up with super-old David Bowie. MATTHEW CARROLL
DECEMBER 2014 7:25 AM|THURSDAY APRIL 30|2009 Play me a harmonica song about a cat doing a backfloat. 6:22 PM|THURSDAY APRIL 30|2009 Im going to get big and you will get small and I will carry you. 6:58 PM|WEDNESDAY MAY 6|2009 Im going to grow up to be a woman, Benjamin will be a man, and Gordon will be a woman. 3:45 PM|SUNDAY MAY 10|2009 Some snakes dont bite, did you know that? 3:49 PM|SUNDAY MAY 10|2009 Its a good idea to pee in the swimming pool because you cant see it. 6:52 PM|SUNDAY MAY 24|2009 I feel quite sick. 6:52 PM|SUNDAY MAY 24|2009 I feel quite sick.

I think I am going to throw up on you. 10:27 AM|SUNDAY JUNE 7|2009 Im going to catch a salmon with my arms and eat it all up. Im going to eat the eyes. 10:57 AM|TUESDAY JUNE 9|2009 I need to take a break. 10:59 AM|TUESDAY JUNE 9|2009 I could ride in a wheelchair when I get bigger. 5:56 PM|WEDNESDAY JUNE 17|2009 Its OK if you pee in Rachels backyard. 5:45 PM|FRIDAY JUNE 19|2009 Cats lick themselves so they can throw up. 6:54 PM|FRIDAY JUNE 19|2009 Look at me! 7:22 PM|FRIDAY JUNE 19|2009 If I had a house with a backyard I would get a really big sloth and keep it there. 6:46 AM|SATURDAY JUNE 20|2009 Take a picture of my long tongue! 11:03 AM|SATURDAY JUNE 20|2009 Get a Fathers Day card for me. 6:21 PM|SUNDAY JUNE 21|2009 Can I sit on your lap while youre pooping? 7:35 AM|MONDAY JUNE 22|2009 We should take the doors off the Jetta because I want to have a Jeep. 5:26 PM|FRIDAY JULY 3|2009 It is going to take me a long time to grow up. 5:47 PM|FRIDAY JULY 10|2009 I want to drink out of an udder. 5:49 PM|FRIDAY JULY 10|2009 My mother slammed my fingers in the door. 5:49 PM|FRIDAY JULY 10|2009 My mother slammed my fingers in the door.

You should try that sometime. 5:50 PM|FRIDAY JULY 10|2009 Look at me! Im three years old! Take a picture! 4:22 PM|SUNDAY JULY 12|2009 Im going to wait right here in this wagon until you push me. 5:32 PM|SUNDAY JULY 12|2009 Im going to ride on your shoulders while you cook dinner. 6:22 PM|SUNDAY JULY 12|2009 Lets share. I go first and you wont get any until I am done. 2:09 PM|SUNDAY JULY 19|2009 If I am on my bicycle and a deer jumps out of the woods, I will move to the side and not crash into him. 2:10 PM|SUNDAY JULY 19|2009
DURING NAP TIME You forgot to give me water! You have to because my mouth is getting very hot. 12:14 PM|FRIDAY JULY 31|2009 I dont know how to say good-bye. 3:17 PM|FRIDAY AUGUST 7|2009 Im going to eat all your hush puppies. 3:17 PM|FRIDAY AUGUST 7|2009 Im going to eat all your hush puppies.

Its OK, they will bring you some more. 7:12 PM|FRIDAY AUGUST 7|2009 If I lean back on my Big Wheel it is a recumbent bicycle. 10:13 AM|TUESDAY AUGUST 11|2009 Do you have any hurts on your body? I can put this robot on your hurts and you will feel better. 10:14 AM|TUESDAY AUGUST 11|2009 Yesterday I petted a slug. 5:10 PM|WEDNESDAY AUGUST 12|2009 How about I eat this key lime pie and you get another pie for you to eat. 6:17 PM|WEDNESDAY AUGUST 19|2009 I did a big poop just like you.

Its a whole pile of poop. 7:31 PM|WEDNESDAY AUGUST 26|2009 Hot tubs are for old people. 6:30 PM|FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 4|2009 Why do you have hair in your nose? 6:20 PM|SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 13|2009 But I want to have diarrhea. Give me more berries! 5:00 PM|MONDAY SEPTEMBER 14|2009 I want you to make my hair into an Afro. 6:48 PM|WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 16|2009 This deodorant will make my armpits taste really good. 7:28 PM|FRIDAY OCTOBER 2|2009 I checked the computer and it said you are dancing wrong. 5:37 PM|MONDAY OCTOBER 5|2009 How do I watch TV on this old toy? 5:40 PM|MONDAY OCTOBER 5|2009 I asked the people at the restaurant and they said no sharing. 5:37 PM|MONDAY OCTOBER 5|2009 How do I watch TV on this old toy? 5:40 PM|MONDAY OCTOBER 5|2009 I asked the people at the restaurant and they said no sharing.

You will have to get your own food. 2:34 PM|SUNDAY OCTOBER 11|2009 I want to go on the space shuttle but I want you to come with me because I think the astronauts might bite. 6:15 PM|MONDAY OCTOBER 26|2009 Take a picture of me smelling this. 8:26 PM|WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 4|2009 The moon is following us. 7:15 AM|SUNDAY NOVEMBER 15|2009 I had a dream about a farm. 6:29 PM|SATURDAY DECEMBER 5|2009 When I get bigger Im going to have a baby and bring it to your house. 6:29 PM|SATURDAY DECEMBER 5|2009 When I get bigger Im going to have a baby and bring it to your house.

Youll need to get a baby carrier. 7:04 PM|THURSDAY DECEMBER 17|2009 Are hash browns nutritious? 12:07 PM|SATURDAY DECEMBER 19|2009 Are chicken wings nutritious? 7:26 PM|SATURDAY DECEMBER 19|2009 Im going to play chess while you poop. 9:56 AM|WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 23|2009 Soon I will be an adult. 12:35 PM|WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 23|2009 Its not too cold for gelato. 7:13 PM|THURSDAY DECEMBER 24|2009 I hurt my mind! 7:14 PM|THURSDAY DECEMBER 24|2009 It would be really bad if you had blood all over your face. 7:47 PM|MONDAY JANUARY 11|2010
AT BEDTIME Youre not my friend and youre not my dad! 7:55 PM|SUNDAY JANUARY 24|2010 Lets go watch Bambi and you can paint my nails! 8:02 PM|SUNDAY JANUARY 24|2010 Its my job to find candy. 5:51 PM|WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 3|2010 Sliders are hamburgers for toddlers. 6:26 PM|WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 17|2010 If a dog eats peanut butter and its mouth gets stuck and it cant breathe it will die. 7:42 AM|MONDAY FEBRUARY 22|2010 I dont want to be an astronaut anymore. 7:42 AM|MONDAY FEBRUARY 22|2010 I dont want to be an astronaut anymore.

I want to be a fairy. 6:36 PM|WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 24|2010 This is a lot of ice cream for a little girl. 7:02 PM|WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 24|2010 If you pick me up and spin me in the air we could be in the Olympics. 7:45 PM|WEDNESDAY MARCH 3|2010 Ice-skating would be easier without the ice. 4:07 PM|SUNDAY MARCH 7|2010 When Im a fairy Im going to touch airplanes. 6:03 AM|MONDAY MARCH 22|2010 I think Im going to be a vegan fairy. 5:43 PM|TUESDAY MARCH 23|2010 I want to clean up the cat vomit! 6:40 PM|WEDNESDAY MARCH 24|2010 Im going to change my name to Cinderella but its okay if my teachers still call me Morgan. 7:06 PM|WEDNESDAY MARCH 24|2010 I would like to have a pet shark, but it would eat us into pieces and then throw us up. 7:06 PM|WEDNESDAY MARCH 24|2010 I would like to have a pet shark, but it would eat us into pieces and then throw us up.