Amy Carroll - The Ego Tango

THE EGOTANGO

Thirdedition

SmashwordsEdition

First PublishedSwitzerland 2010

by Green ApplePublishing

Copyright AmyCarroll

All rightsreserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored inor introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form,or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording orotherwise) without the prior written permission of thepublisher.

This book issold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade orotherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulatedwithout the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding orcover other than that in which it is published and without asimilar condition including this condition being imposed on thesubsequent purchaser.

Cover designedby Allyson Ingerman

Interiordesigned by Kim Molyneaux - www.kimmolyneaux.com

Predator, Preyor Partner and Invisible Power Game are registered trademarks ofPat Kirkland Leadership Inc. www.patkirklandleadership.com

Images:

Little Girl onPhone Barbara Campbell

This was never meantto be a book. Because you are now reading it means there are manypeople to thank for making it a reality.

To Pat Kirklandfor her vision and persistence.

To those of youwho loaned me your guidance for structuring and your eyes forediting: Mike Carroll, Kevin Carroll, Bob Gignac, Jo Parfitt (atalented and professional editor), Ellen Snortland (a giftedwriter, performer and committed activist), Allyson Ingerman for thecover design, and my multi-talented business manager and bookdesigner, Kim Molyneaux, for always finding the perfect picture andRebecca Self for her ability to see big possibilities.

To the manyinfluences that have contributed to the concepts in this book,including the world of improvisational theatre, NVC (non-violentcommunication), NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), coaching, andLandmark Education.

To my manyfriends and colleagues who have supported, encouraged, and listenedto the multiple stories in and about this book: Robbie Kahn, KarenTse, Paula Cervoni, Dympna Coleman, Madelon Evers, Elli Von Planta,Danielle Gossett, Naima Meriah, Beth Mazzola, Monica Zumstein,Marlene Granger, Robb and Judith Correll, Gaby Mller, Ann Ambiaux,Zoran Todorovic, Tamara Mosegaard, Stefan Heinz, Lisa Sennhauser,Marie OHara, Lynn Denton, Dorna Revie, Kristin Engvig, RosemarieGermain, Katrina Burrus, Karen McCuster, Ania Jakubowski, RustyLivock, Christine Perey, and many more.

To my clientsand coachees for their trust and courage in testing out thesetechniques and sharing their own successes.

And finally tomy entire family and Ghislain for your love, laughter, and unendingsupport.

As a writingcoach and author, I deal with a lot of writers, their ideas, andthe final representation of those ideasbooks. Some are good thoughtheyre not what I would call evergreen. Folks in the news businessuse the term evergreen to describe articles they have onhand and can run at any time because they are keepers: alwaysfresh, always evergreen.

Amy Carrollswork, and now her book The Ego Tango, are evergreen. Why?Because we never stop relating to new characters in this playcalled life. New people create new challenges. We are always insome sort of dance of communication with people that we live, work,and play with. Amy teaches us to waltz with people instead oftangounless you choose to tango, which is a legitimate dance afterall. The problem is, if you tango as a default and can only do thetango even when the music is a cha-cha, samba, or even a polka, youmight be stepping on a lot of toes and listening to the beat of atune your family, friends, and colleagues cant even hear. You mustuntangle your feet if your business partner is tap dancing whileyou are jitterbugging.

You may havenoticed that life does not come with an instruction manual. Rather,we depend on life to teach us the lessons we need. But wait! Thereare some instruction manuals: books like this one that giveyou templates for re-choreographing your ways of relating.

My particularfield of personal safety starts with the absolutely essential andmost important tool of self-defense: your voice. I wrote my bookBeauty Bites Beast because I saw how ill-equipped manypeople areespecially women and girlswhen it comes to saying noto unwanted behavior, or to asserting themselves when another humanbeing is crossing their boundaries. You could say that females areoften rewarded for Prey behaviors, while males are rewarded forPredator strategies. While thats a gross generality with all sortsof exceptions, Carroll lays out the real challenge of all humanbeings regardless of gender: how to be a Partner. There are avariety of twists and turns when it comes to partnership, and mencertainly encounter rigid gender-based expectations that workagainst them as potential Partners. They are expected to beaggressiveor in Carrolls model, Predatoryeven if they dontnaturally behave that way.

Let me give youa specific example about the inspiration The Ego Tango hasgiven me in my own life. Our family just had a medical emergency.My cousin Kitty and I had to go help Bunny, another cousin. Weall grew up being very close, like sisters. Kitty is veryassertive; some might say aggressive. She couldnt understand whyBunny wasnt more vocal and assertive about getting the help sheneeded. Having just read The Ego Tango, I was able to helpKitty see that Bunny is like a rabbit that gets nervous aroundKitty who is like a mountain lion.

We all knowthat mountain lions consider rabbits a delectable dinner. Bunnywould get a glazed look in her eyes and look like she was about tobolt from the room whenever Kitty and I would come around. At acellular level Bunny was afraid Kitty would eat her!

While welaughed over this analogy, it made sense to Kitty who has sincebeen able to rein in her feline ways enough to offer partnership toBunny.

There is aBuddhist saying: When the student is ready, the teacherappears. The timing on reading The Ego Tango was likethat. The Predator/Prey distinction prepared me for an emergencyand made a difference for all of us. Im grateful to Amy Carrollfor her wisdom.

Learning aboutpartnership has benefits at all levels: personal, family, social,business and international relations. Who cant use more Partners?Carroll teaches us, with entertaining and accessible language, howto take what appears to be discordant music or clumsy dance matesand turn them into graceful colleagues in whatever it is that wewant to accomplish. This not only gives us a new understanding andmastery of partnership, it gives us a way to establish a new rhythmfor the dance.

With ampleanecdotes drawn from all sorts of environments, Ms. Carrollsdancing lessons will have you on the dance floor of life in notime. Wonderful! Fewer broken toes; more music and fun. And ifyoure in business, theres an added bonus: good partnership willalso help the bottom line. Let the dancing begin!

EllenSnortland

www.snortland.com

Altadena,CA

Communicating well cansometimes require a bit of fancy footwork. In any kind of personalor professional interaction, its easy to get caught up in what Icall the Ego Tango, which is triggered by the Invisible Power Game(IPG). In almost every exchange one person takes the lead,sometimes a negative one, and others follow, whether they intend toor not. Were usually unaware of the IPG, which causes much of thestress and conflict many of us experience in our communication.Were caught up in the Ego Tango.