Debra Johanyak - Say What You Really Mean!: How Women Can Learn to Speak Up

Say What You Really Mean!

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Johanyak, Debra, 1953

Say what you really mean! : how women can learn to speak up / Debra Johanyak.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-4422-3005-7 (cloth : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-4422-3006-4 (electronic)

1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Communication in organizations. 3. Communication in management. 4. Women--Psychology. I. Title.

BF637.C45J645 2014

155.3'3336--dc23

2014030096

TM The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to the memory of John Holodnak, my father, who imparted to me the importance of seeking knowledge, and to the memory of my mother, Leone Holodnak, who taught her four children to put words to good use. From my sister, Rebecca Oberg, I have learned the beauty of subtlety and restraint, whereas my brother, J. Scott Holodnak, models the perfect blend of a direct manner with a polite approach. The memory of my brother, John, inspires me to continually choose my words wisely.

Say What You Really Mean! has evolved over many years of personal experience in dealing with people who do not express themselves clearly. That includes me, on occasion. Those whose language utilizes fuzzy descriptions, limited details, missing explanation, a puzzling tone, an unclear message, or mysterious silence have raised questions that I have long sought to answer about the ways in which we communicate. Sometimes I was the one who failed to clarify a time, a reason, or a purpose. I have used the silent treatment to good and bad effect. I have been the target of silence with no clue as to why. My questions to others have drawn vague replies, deepening the mystery of meaning, without further efforts from me for clarification.

Many times I have listened to friends complain that they dont know what someone expects of them. Or they lament that a supervisor on the job has given unclear instructions.

Why dont you ask for more information? I suggest.

Their answers range from worrying about making a bad impression to having asked three times but are still receiving unclear information.

I hear loved ones make business phone calls who fail to ask the right questions. They come away with limited information and various uncertainties. Call back, I urge them. Explain the whole story. Get all the facts.

In the workplace Ive witnessed miscommunication that leads to mistakes and occasional conflict. If we could just say what we really mean instead of adhering to restrictive social policy or failing to speak directly, we could enhance communication so that it becomes more productive.

This book is my attempt to call attention to ways in which women communicate indirectly. There are a variety of reasons why this happens, but becoming aware and taking steps to speak directly can enrich verbal interaction for improved results. As we learn to speak up in appropriate ways, we can more quickly and effectively explain goals and obtain desired results.

From teenagers to business professionals, women can learn how to change the way they express themselves and become more goal oriented. This books ten chapters address ten issues that explain how and why indirect communication can go amiss. Each chapter includes Suggested Strategies for communicating more directly to get better results.

This book would not have been completed without the generous assistance of several professional editors and reviewers. I would like to acknowledge the instrumental editorial feedback from Charles Harmon. His patient guidance and keen eyes identified areas that needed clarification or enhancement. Robert Hayunga provided excellent production guidance and assistance in moving the manuscript toward publication.

I hope that readers will find useful ideas on how to identify and change indirect communication patterns to become more effective communicators. The knowledge I have acquired over many years I offer to readers in hopes of clarifying their personal and professional interactions.

Say What You Really Mean! is published with the help of several professional associates, good friends, and beloved family members whose input and assistance have contributed greatly.

Charles Harmon was instrumental in guiding the development and completion of the manuscript. His thoughtful attention to detail and timely reminders helped to keep the project on task.

Practical and technical support is indispensable. Robert Hayunga was readily available to answer my frequent questions and provide necessary information during the production process.

Michael Johanyak offered insightful direction to useful sources on the role of semiotics in social communication.

Sarah M. Carafelli designed the facial figures that are included in several chapters to illustrate important communicative principles. Her artistry, which adds a creative interpretive component to this work, is appreciated.

Discussions with my sister Becky, brother Scott, and children Jason, Matt, Stephen, and Bethany, have rendered much food for thought on this topic.

Why Dont We Say What We Mean?

Most of us spend a fair portion of each day trying to express ourselves meaningfully to others. We share information, ask questions, make requests, and issue commands. But often it can seem like others just dont really understand what were trying to say. They might get part of it, but they dont respond in the ways we want them to. This book is designed to help you come across clearly to others and achieve your personal and professional goals.

Generally, we hit the message mark more often than not. If someone fails to catch our meaning or fails to follow through as expected, we patiently resign ourselves to explaining things one more time or trying a different mode of expression. But lets face facts: Its frustrating when someone doesnt get it. After the second or third attempt, patience wears thin. You want to scream, I cant say it any plainer than that!

But many times we could and should speak more clearly. In fact, the way something is said can interfere with what is said and cause static in the communication flow. Each day we navigate conversational exchanges that can benefit from a direct approach based on a foundation of honesty. Even brief dialogue can be handled in ways that build up or tear down a relationship. Closeness can be cultivated in commonplace interactions where our lives intersect.